To Be A Rebel

Chapter 46: I'm Not Perfect

I close my eyes as Maxine finishes fixing me up. Her steady hands secure my bandages, and I try not to tense up too much, since I know I'll be running again within the next few days since we have to find that Viking artifact Evan was talking about. He's here in the base with us, and he's gotten a less than warm welcome. Even with his reasons, he did abandon us.

I know we all have reasons for doing stupid or bad things. I have to apologize for my stupid behavior to Sam, if I can work up the courage and get over the shame to do so.

Once I'm cleared, I stand, stumbling out of the room and down the hall. I start to head towards the stairs, since I've been sleeping down on the lower levels since my fight with Sam. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable by sleeping in the same room as him when he isn't sure he can trust me, when he isn't sure I'm me.

That's why I don't want people to know. They won't see me as me anymore. They'll think of me as Moonchild, or as me under her control. I just know they will. And then Janine will put me in a straightjacket or lock me in the panic room at nights with Tom. 

And my kids... what would Milo say if he knew? I remember after I first got free from the mind control. I screamed at him and told him that I didn't deserve forgiveness because I blew up an entire flotilla, killed thousands. I killed Caleb. And yes, it wasn't my fault, really; It was because of Moonchild, and just how will he react when he finds out the person who commanded me to kill all of Comansys and destroy my own home, kill my best friend and nearly kill the man I love, is still inside my head. Or at least, a part of her is.

They'll take my baby away from me. They will keep Adora and Phineas as far away from me as possible. They'll try to lock me away and then I'll just be dead weight. Even after all I've done... they'll think of me as crazy and I'll just be shoved aside, no use to anyone. I may be considered Head of Runners, but Janine never really gave that title back after she stripped it from me. What else could she strip from me? My runner designation?

The thought of having someone else taking my designation, taking my name, replacing me... I have to lean up against the wall for support, and it's only then I realize how hard I'm breathing, and that I've broken a sweat, and my heart is pounding.

Panic attack. That's what this. I've had enough of them to recognize the early stages of it. I need an inhaler. We have one somewhere in the base. I actually know exactly where that somewhere is, since I'm the only person who needs an inhaler, but I don't take it with me since I haven't had a panic attack in months.

So now I have to decide whether or not I want to risk going into the coms room and facing Sam looking like a hobo, because that is what I look like. I mean, I'm clean, because I had to be in order for Maxine to thoroughly clean and stitch me up after pulling the bullet out, but I'm still red faced and blotchy and my eyes are bloodshot and I can barely breathe.

I can barely breathe.

I need my inhaler.

I turn back around and shuffle back towards the coms room, and to my relief, Sam isn't in there. Still, I feel the all-too-familiar pressure in my chest, building and building, the lack of air making me feel dizzy and afraid. I rush over go the coms deck, looking around and behind the monitors, in the drawers, under the briefing notes, but it's nowhere to be seen.

"Please, please, please, please," I beg, searching and searching, the pain in my chest almost unbearable. It must be around here somewhere. I spot it I the bedside table right before I fall apart.

A sob leaves my mouth, and I gasp, trying and failing to get air into my lungs. I fall to my knees, instinctively wanting to curl in on myself, but the stretching only pulls at the stitches in my shoulder. I feel as if I'm dying. I almost wish I was, what with the constant fear and pain rushing through my head.