room 207 | shyland ✓

twenty one

[6 months later, june 3rd 2019]

ryland's pov

my hand began cramping as i took a shaky breath and scribbled the final paragraph of my english essay. this was my last exam of junior year, and then all that was left of this crazy school year was next week, which merely consisted of a few days of packing up our lockers and returning school textbooks. i glanced over at the other side of the auditorium, where every senior of bridgebrooke high sat with their heads down and eyes full of worry and stress as they turned from one page to the next. i felt slightly satisfied that shane wasn't the first person my eyes fell on. progress, i labelled my healing yet bleeding heart. progress.

so, to conclude, perhaps romeo and juliet is the epitome of twenty-first century heartbreak, and maybe not much has changed since the 1500s. albeit late night phone calls and indirect instagram posts, it truly can be argued that the pinnacle point of shakespeare's writing stays prominent through the ages: that, however strong the feeling may be, simply being in love is just not enough.

i dropped my pen to the table and read through the final sentence before exhaling as i closed my eyes. three minutes left until finals were over. i scanned the group for my brother, eager to see whether he had turned up or not, and my breath hitched when my eyes fell on the wrong boy. the seniors were sitting their maths final, and after today they never had to set foot in a school class room again. graduation was next week, and then it would be summer and everything would be changing again. no matter how many times i try convince myself that him being gone would be good for everyone, including myself and him, it still made the bruises along my heart throb as though they each had their own individual pulse.

looking at him almost knocked the air out of my lungs, the hairs on the back of my neck standing alert. he was glancing around the room, paper closed in front of him, ballpoint pen hanging loosely from his lips. on his back was his jean jacket - the one with the furry fleece inside that i'd borrowed for the majority of our relationship. the one he kissed me in behind the bike sheds. the one i covered my sobs with on the floor of the bathroom cubicle. the one i carefully placed back in his locker six months ago as i curled my toes to stop myself from breaking down right in the middle of the hallway.

i exhaled and studied the waves in his hair, adrenaline trickling down my spine because i hadn't even given myself the liberty of taking in his appearance in the last half a year. after today, since for austin's graduation where i was planning to fake sick, i would never see him again. that sensation sent my stomach wobbling as though its entire contents resembled a shipwreck.

my brother and i had been on inexplicable terms since that fatal night in which the tightly and intricately woven braid that shane and i had embodied for so long became a tangled, unravelled mess. for the last half a year, i have managed to save my breath and the only time we ever interacted would be when his shoulder brushed mine as we passed on the stairs. our parents had given up on calling family meetings and petty mediation sessions trying to get us to talk to each other, accepting that until one of us was ready to cave, the house would stay silent and sombre. we were both stubborn: austin couldn't get over the fact that i had sex with his best friend, and i couldn't get over the fact that he had beaten shane within an inch of his life and then proceeded to tell the whole school every single detail and every little secret that had been disclosed in our text messages.

the second part of my junior year was the roughest two semesters of my life. i threw myself into my school work and my friendship with garrett and andrew only grew stronger. we hang out every weekend and sometimes on school nights, and sometimes i wonder whether they can tell how rigid my mind goes when anything that could remind me of him gets brought up in conversation. the beach; football; theatre. anything really, yet there was this unspoken rule of thumb between the three of us that stood out like a red marker pen: never, ever, no matter what the circumstance is, does anyone bring up shane.

as far as i was aware, he didn't exist. i'd blocked out the last four months of my life and pretended that none of it had ever happened, and this was the only way i could see myself getting over him, yet tiny little triggers like discussing what play the drama club were planning on putting on this summer sent every single kiss and every single touch flooding back. then suddenly i'd be drowning, choking on emotions as they filled my lungs. yet this was the only way forward.

the school bell rang, signalling the end of both exams, and i jerked out of my reverie, my eyes slamming back to my finished essay. my heart was thumping against my rib cage and i swallowed any desire to jump up and engulf him in a hug. to press my face into his shoulder and feel his lips on my neck as he pressed tiny kisses on my skin. to tell him that i was proud of him and to tell him that i knew he could get through these exams and to tell him that i missed him. god, i missed him, and no matter how hard i tried to distract myself, i think i always will.

i was never going to see him again. ever. this suddenly hit me, mentally knocking me off my feet. never again. anxiety swam in my gut and as everyone stood up from their chairs, i looked over at him for one last time, just to remember exactly what he looked like. it seemed as though he went to do precisely the same, because when i finally found his unreadable face amongst the hundreds of ecstatic teenagers who were so over the moon to be done with school, our eyes locked and all the blood rushed to my head. a dizzy and sick feeling overcame me, because - after vowing to avoid his gaze or presence at every moment possible - my eyes hadn't dared to meet his ocean green ones in half a year. the feeling itself held the omnipotence to make the earth turn on its axis.

now would be the right time for closure, i soon realised, as we stared at each other with students rushing past us, never breaking our gaze. the perfect moment to just hold each other one last time, or to even just hear his voice, was at arms reach. so flawless and faultless and irresistible that i nearly grasped it with both hands. yet suddenly a group of jocks, all my brothers friends - including austin - slammed into me purposefully as they ran out the auditorium doors, and whatever little transfixing moment we were having disintegrated into tiny forgotten touches all along the exam room floor.

and i walked away, whispering goodbye under my breath and squeezing my eyes shut so tightly that i saw stars.

a/n: i'm an indecisive little bitch. this was gonna be the last chapter but i've decided to split up what i wanted to do in this chapter into two parts. chapter 22, the final chapter, will be out very soon. i've had a shitty day today but sitting down and writing this has been an amazing distraction, and i've really been able to reflect on how different of a place i was in back in april when i started writing this book. and despite not having a great day today and receiving some disgustingly horrible texts, i've realised how grateful i am for all of you. make sure to vote and comment and tell me what you think -- this chapter was short and had literally no dialogue in it but its crucial to the story soooooooooo bare with me :)