Challenge: How to lose 20 kilos?!

Day 3 - Should I trust him?

I have trust issues.
The fact that my ex husband left me overnight after 5.5 years of dating and 1.5 of marriage did not exactly help to overcome them.

Then the guy after him just lied in my face about being single.

So, really, should I trust Umberto when he says he's a serious guy with moral and family values and that he will wait to meet me in September and has zero interest in meeting any other girl?!

Uhm.
Well, yesterday I sent him the link of this song: https://youtu.be/R96iuNkIzn8
I thought it was fun because it's in Italian, right?
It's a duet, a man and a woman. The man tries to seduce her with kind words, - "miele" as they say in Italian -but she resists and doesn't believe him.

But apparently Umberto didn't like the joke.
Because "Parole, Parole" means the man is saying many things, compliments, sweet words but in the woman's head it's pure bullshit.

How do I feel?
Not the best. I'm sorry I offended him.

Last night I also thought I have 4-5 weeks before I potentially meet him, exactly what I wanted to avoid! A countdown before meeting a guy... and I'm not even sure I'll like him or he's who he says he is.
Grrr.

Anyway, maybe I'll never hear from him anymore. Don't care, need to focus on my day, my wellbeing and my self-love.

I don't need another dude to shit in my life.
If I never hear from him anymore: good riddance!

At 1 PM I sent him a text to say I am sorry if I hurt him somehow with the song.

3 PM and no answer.
I feel like Bridget Jones...

I also realize that AGAIN I'm kind of starting to put my happiness in the hands of someone else.

This is so wrong.
My happiness shouldn't depends on someone else's behavior but my own.

*
5 PM... silence treatment??

6 PM: still nothing. Yeah, I totally literally obviously don't care at all 😫😠🤥

6.04 PM: He replies, he was at the beach all day and that's it. Not sure he's still "into" me.
All good.

10 PM : we text back and forth, he didn't care about the song but wants to know more about me, wants to know what is important for me in a relationship (well, I was the first to ask).

11 PM.
All my previous relationships were perfect disasters and I met all this men online... should I see a pattern or worse a red flag here?

Food today:
Lunch : 5-6 carrots, 1 bowl of the zucchini soup
Dinner : beans, 1 bowl of green vegetables soup, cherry tomatoes.

I haven't been hungry at all today, I haven't thought about food of any kind.

I did a Jon Gabriel meditation today on "digestion".

Truth is it was hard for me to digest the very last breakup and I couldn't stop eating to cope with my emotions in the past 2 months.
No surprise I gained 12 kilos 😔

But the good news is it's never to late to get back on track!

*
11.37 PM.
Not sure why but all the sudden I feel super hungry and I want desesperately to EAT, or even worse, I want to binge on biscuits and chocolate:(((
Bad bad bad.

Why, really?
Because this guy I know from nowhere says he likes me but we have never seen each other for "real" and I'm wondering if he's just bullshit or if he could be "the one".
Or if I decide to trust him... what if he was a liar like all his predecessors and this story all ends in me suffering and crying and not having a baby and a family?!

Ppfff.
He's in Saint-Tropez with friends. Then he's going to Formentera and then Sicily. Why am I even giving this totally random dude my attention?!
This is insane, and insane like in not sane at all.

So that brings me back to the craving I  suddenly feel.

My inner diabolic voice running in my head says: " of course this guy is playing with you! They all do. And you know why? Because you are not worthy of love. And you are way too fat and ugly to be loved any day soon. So you'd better binge, get even fatter and you'll prove my point."

How sad and depressing is this?
My ex husband lied to me and played with me. Richard used me to have a distraction out of his boring life.

If I stay fat, am I avoiding the possible pain of a relationship and a liar?

I trusted all my previous lovers and they ALL were liars.
How can I even trust this one?

I feel so bad right now about myself and I just want to eat to anesthetize those feelings of fear.
Fear of being alone, fear of being hurt again.
I don't thing I have the strength to deal with one more breakup.
I'm done.