Bella : What ifs are for Us ✔️

Chapter 5: I Love You. Do You Love Me?

What was Jacob thinking? I was getting nervous by the minute. But the resolve inside me was stronger. I held on while the sun's rays painted my already fake platinum blonde braids orange and Jake decided in front of me, what I would do next.

And it wasn't just any decision...it was the decision of my life.

My freaking bloody life! He was holding the key to it. If he...

Jake sighed. "Bells...I—I don't know what to say. I mean I—You know me and Angela—

I nodded. "I know. Jake...I never wanted you to feel pressured. I never want you to be unhappy. I—Just tell me the truth Jake. Just...I need to know. That's all."

My voice was getting heavier by the minute. I knew what would come next. Jake's behavior and mannerisms were as clear as water to me. He was rubbing his neck and his face was scrunched in discomfort.

"I—

"Jake, just say what's on your mind." I looked into his eyes. "Just tell me, Jake."

His shoulders slumped and he breathed out in frustration. "Why—Why now?"

I looked him in the eye. "Now or never, Jake." Is all I said and his eyes stopped twinkling completely. My throat felt heavy but I ignored it. It seemed like I was ignoring every emotion inside of me. Oh well. It'd bite me sometime later but best later than now.

Jake looked over towards the sun his shoulders slumped and when he looked back rolling on his heels, I knew the answer. My heart sank.

"You know...I've never told this to anyone before..."

I felt my broken heart mend for but a second when Jake threw it to the volcano.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I—I don't love you. I—I love someone else."

"Is it Angela?" My voice was a tad husky but I had managed to sound tranquil even when my heart was being consumed by raging flames of heartbreak. He smiled faintly.

"Yes."

It was then I saw the light in his eyes. The light of hope. The light of love. The beacon of shore. The beacon which would never be there for me. I was lost. I wouldn't be found.

What is lost must remain lost.

With those words playing in my mind I sighed with relief. "Thanks, Jake."

He looked at me with a puzzled expression which quickly turned to delight when I explained to him this was all a test to see if he loved Angela or not. He passed. Surely, he passed.

And seeing him smile while my Rome burned, I felt like Nero cheering for the destruction of my own life. The destruction of my own happily ever after.

The day went by fast. It was a whirlwind. I forgot Jake even existed. I forgot everything while I watched my Rome burn. My heart ached but it was a good ache. After all, destruction meant I could move on.

Move on like a vagabond. A vagabond with no sense of direction.

The cruelty struck me anew when I pulled up on the driveway. It wasn't like I would be seeing this place for the last time and it made me lose it.

I broke down in tears in front of my front door. Tears overwhelmed me while I made dinner. Tears enveloped me while I slept without eating a single morsel. Tears...complete and utter destruction deserved my tears...

I chose. Now, I had to live with the choice.

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Today wasn't any special. The days passed like grey slabs. I forgot about Jacob every day. Every day I saw him anew and my tears wouldn't stop when I got home to forget I ever knew him.

The monotony of it all was getting to me. Just how long was I going to stay like this?

For a long...long time...

The echoes of my mind spoke and I sighed. Still, I felt like I'd manage. This world would keep me going. There was no other answer. Torture was love for me. At this point, I knew no difference.

Just hold on.

I held on. But I knew it was futile. My life was running in harmony. My lungs were burning with air. My heart was beating with blood. But my mind...my mind was dead.

Soon my body would register the death of my mind. And I was awaiting it's time. Soon, my heart sang with each beat. Soon my lungs whispered with each breath.

Soon. But my Mama's voice said different.

Live, Bella. She said. Live to see another day. Death does not come to those who wish for it. Death comes to those who live for it.

And so, it stayed. So, the hope began. And so, my thirst for life remained ablaze.