The Broken Hearts Club

It Hurts to Think

    If there were an award for rolling your eyes, I'd definitely have it. At this point, it was just a regular part of my day. It, of course, wasn't meant to be rude. But, goddamn, people these days were so annoying. That guy earlier, for example. Just stay seated, listen, and if you can't offer anything then say so. I know my poem was utter trash, at least I can say I tried. It was just so disturbing how much people craved attention, whether good or bad. I wouldn't lie and say I never asked for attention sometimes. Especially in high school. That was only to gain attention from colleges.
    And maybe from some good looking girls.
    Hey, I'm only human.
    And yes, I didn't believe in love. I'm not cold hearted though.
    "Evan, do your parents know you are going to therapy?" Jasmine asked, appearing somewhat concerned. "You better hope my dad doesn't find out, he wouldn't want me dating someone sick minded." Ah, there that concern goes.
    "It's not therapy, more of a recreational relaxer." I answered her.
    "Sounds childish," she replied, popping her gum, "they have drugs for that."
    "Not everyone is a druggie like you," I muttered under my breath. Jasmine appeared so held high that no one would ever think she took pills or smoked. If you got a wiff of her up close, you'd assume otherwise. 
    "So, party tomorrow night, you're taking me."
    I rolled my eyes but laughed, "Is it an actual party or one of those kiddie parties we went to last time."
    Jasmine crossed her legs, we were on my couch, "Hey, don't ask me how the high schoolers get better beer than the dorms."
    "Fair, but seriously though, we should be hanging with people our own age."
    She grunted, "You make us sound like we're 50."
    "We're close enough."
    She stood up, grabbed her purse and started walking away, "Chelsea wants to meet at the mall. Pick me up tomorrow at 7:, don't be late."
    And like that, she left.
    I laid my head back against the couch and sighed. Jasmine wasn't always so bossy. She used to be nice until she figured out what money was and tasted alcohol. Yes, she was annoying. And yes, I could easily find someone else. Maybe someone to have a decent conversation with. But alas, we must keep up appearances. Plus, she was talented in other aspects. 
    I allowed my mind to drift, finding myself wondering about Victoria. She was cute, and seemed to keep a conversation without getting distracted by her phone. Only thing was that it was obvious that she would fall hard. With Jasmine, it was okay if I ghosted her for a week. With Victoria, I wasn't sure if she'd be alright with a benefit only type relationship.
    I shake that thought. Yeah, she's hot, but also young. I didn't know her. My assumptions could be completely wrong. 
    I'd be breaking up with Jasmine soon anyway, once I get into college, and we'd be going separate ways. Then I'll start looking for a new fish to get hooked onto me.
    In the end, I could care less if I die alone and family-less. I could care less if I died now. Sure, I'd miss the chance of moving far away and living the 'dorm life', but who really cares? We are all just a day away from death. What's the point of spending what we have living on a schedule of getting a job, getting married, having kids, then retiring in Florida. It's so boring.

    I bury my head into a pillow. I hate feeling so incredibly empty. Hollow. Alcohol doesn't work. Neither do pills. Hence why I am trying this 'club'. Just to find a little hope in holding on.
   If I disappeared, would anyone really notice? Maybe.
   Would look horrible on mom's campaign posters to get reelected as mayor. Having your son die. Makes you sound like a terrible parent. Even if it's not their fault that I'm like this.
    I find myself craving the age of 5, when everything was good. When mom and dad still pretended to have feelings for each other. No, they never loved each other, but then, I forced myself to believe they had somewhat affection for each other. Now I see that they didn't.
    If love does exist, it would only be love of self. It would be wanting the best for yourself and no one else. It would be selfish.
    

   I'm just so tired of being awake at this point.
   Love is useless. Life is pointless.