🌊 Kim Junkyu
Pouting my lips as I stare in space, with my chin on my palm... I can't help but to heave a deep sigh. Why is he like that? Hmp.
"Ya, Junkyu. Are you done on what you are doing?" Seunghun-hyung nudged me with his elbow.
I went back to my senses and stared on the pieces of papers scattered on my study table. What am I doing again? Ah right, I'm cutting out the letters I made for the kids in the hospital. We'll bring them the toys tomorrow, since it's weekend. He dropped by the hospital 2 days ago to check on the numbers of the patients in the hospital that are younger than 10 years old.
"Almost done." I answered. And continued what I am doing.
"I know you miss Shiho, but focus on that first. You can think of him anytime you want after that." he teased me with a mocking grin on his lips.
I just rolled my eyes and focused on cutting the papers again. I just saw him earlier and here I am again, being pestered by the thoughts of him. Can he just let me live peacefully? Like, let me see him everyday. Let me hear his voice every damn second of my life- Mommy, I just wanna be with him. Is that too much to ask? I still don't know why I'm acting like this, okay? Maybe I just need someone to comfort me and it's him that all I could think who could do that? Or maybe the thought of having 'someone who loves you' excites me and that's hella selfish.
He has nothing to do with this confusion inside my head, or even in my whole system. It's all because of me. I can't even understand myself. Or maybe I do and I'm just not accepting the thought of it?
"You know what, I'll do it. Shoo!" Seunghun-hyung take the scissors from my grip and tapped my hand. "You kept on spacing out. What's wrong?" he asked in worry.
"I don't know too, hyung." I shook my head.
"Is it because of Shiho? What's bothering you?"
"Hyung... I really can't understand. Is it selfish?"
"What is?"
"Am I selfish for wanting to have someone to love me?"
"Maybe no, maybe yes. Kyu, if it's Mashiho we are talking about... It shouldn't be like that. It is not selfish to wish having someone to love us, because it's what we deserve. But if you only want to have Mashiho because he loves you, and you don't love him... That's selfish, Kyu." he said and turned to me.
"So I'm selfish?"
"I don't think so..." my brows furrowed at his response. "Let me ask you this question again... What do you think about Mashiho?"
"Still the same... But-" I stopped as I can't find the right word.
"But what?"
"I don't know how will I say this... But I always look forward to seeing him despite knowing the fact that he's avoiding me. I always want him close, I always want to hear his voice. I always want to stare into his eyes, to see his smile. I just want his presence with me. Hyung, I'm confused." I'm getting frustrated causing my tears to fall.
"Confused of what, Junkyu? It's actually obvious..." he smiled, "It's obvious ever since after he left."
I look at him with my confused expression. It's obvious that what?
"It's obvious that Mashiho is special for you."
"Because he's a younger bro-"
"Junkyu, that's not how you care for a younger brother. If you only see him as a younger brother, why the hell would you pin him against the wall? The two of you actually look like a couple flirting in the mall that time." he chuckled and eyed me teasingly.
"The next time I call you dumb, don't you dare deny it." he rolled his eyes and gathered the pieces of paper on my study table. He said he'll finish cutting those in his room and will let me analyze my feelings.
I roamed my eyes inside my room and it landed on the pile of his pictures on the lower division of the table. I reached for it and look at it. Is it really what I think it is? Is hyung right? Am I really inlove with you? Mashiho, answer me. Am I really inlove with yo- The next time I call you dumb, don't you dare deny it. Dumb Junkyu. Why the fuck will you ask Mashiho? He even thinks you're still not over Noa...
Find your happiness and embrace it, Kyu. You told me not to depend my happiness on other people, but I won't deny, ever since he left, you became my happiness.
Go out, explore, you'll see how many people loves you. I chose not to go out, I chose to isolate myself because I know, there's no one who could make me feel better than you do. I chose to lock inside my room because your love is already enough. I chose to lock inside my room because I believed that that would be the only way for you to come to me... And I was right. You came.
Even before you left, you're already special to me. But it grew deeper after you left, making me realize everything you've said before. You left, making me think about you each and every day. You left, and I fell. I fell inlove with you.
-----
We just came home from the hospital, and here I am staring at the box that contains other gifts that Noa gave, contemplating whether to burn it or just throw it... Maybe it's better to just throw it? I won't damage the ozone layer. Lol.
"I see..." I looked up and saw Yedam leaning by the door frame, nodding his head with a mocking smile while looking around my room.
I followed the trail of his gaze and it stopped on the wall... Well, it's not just a plain wall. I decided to just put Mashi's photos on the plain wall of my room instead of putting it in a scrapbook.
"Is this whipped culture?" he mocked.
"Like you for Dobby. Now, help me with these. We'll throw it." I passed the box to him which he immediately held.
"Are you really gon' throw these?" he asked.
"Yep. It's just dead bouquet of daisies, boxes of chocolates, and other shits." I shrugged and went down the stairs. I heard Yedam sighed and followed behind me.
Going back to the house after we threw the box, Yedam and I just talked about Mashiho. He asked how I realized that I'm inlove with Mashi, why I fell inlove with him and such.
"Mashi's actually not hard to love, to be honest. He's such a great and lovable person. Why I fell inlove with him? I don't know too. Maybe because of his eyes? The way he made me feel I'm worthy of everything good in this world? The way he makes me loved everytime he holds me, he looks at me? I don't know, Yedamie. I just knew, I love him." I may be did a speech but who cares if it's about Mashi, I wouldn't mind talking for the whole day.
"I've never seen you that whipped before, hyung. Whenever we ask you why you love Noa-hyung, you always say it developed through out the years we've been together. But the way you answered the question why you love Shiho-hyung... You must be really inlove with him." Yedam turned to me, seems like waiting for an answer when we heard a beep.
What are they doing here?
