Jaemin the Icy Prince on Campus - Na Jaemin NCT

20. I Don't Want to Let You Go

So here I am again, at the train station, you beside me.

You'd think my heart would have grown harder, stronger, with each goodbye we say.

But it hasn't.

Instead, it's worn so thin, a frail thread of pain, compared to the first time I whispered goodbye to you.

My heart is breaking now, looking at you, looking at the misery in your eyes...

My long hair blows into my face with a breeze, and you brush it away. 

You take a breath, the words floating out on a whisper laced with pain. 

"I love you," you say.

Hearing it aloud, from your mouth, makes my throat thick. I allow a second for the pleasure to sink in, for that euphoric warmth to spread from my chest to my face, all over my body. 

You love me, and you must have told me that close to a million times, but every time I hear you say it, it's like the first time I'm hearing it, and my breath just gets knocked out of my body, and I think in wonder, why me? Why did you pick me, of all the girls to love? Because you can have anyone you want. Why me? I'm not special. I'm not beautiful. I'm not smart. Why me?

I open my mouth, and the words come out in a rush, "Why me?"

You look at me, and your brow furrows in surprise.

"You can have any girl you want. Why me?"

You pause, and you don't say anything for a moment, your hands brushing my face gently.

"I don't know," you finally say. "It's always been you. From the start. From the beginning. I love you, everything about you, your..." You falter, searching for a word, and finally say, your voice hushed, reverent almost, "...essence..." 

Your voice trails away.

I have tears in my eyes.

"But you've always known that, haven't you? My heart doesn't function right without you, food doesn't taste the same and the air gets too thick, and I can't breathe properly when you're not there. My mind is always wandering back to you, because - because I'm all wrong without you, because I'm in love with you..."

Your words linger in the air, long after you have spoken, and my paper heart tears a little more. 

"You should have the world. You should have the universe, the sky, and every star in it." 

I can see every fleck of pain in your eyes, the frown lines etched in your skin, the anguish in your tensed muscles and jaw. 

"I wish I can have you with me. I don't want you to get on that train. I don't want to let you go. It kills me every time I have to let you go. It's killing me now," you whisper. 

You draw in a shuddering breath, wincing like it pains you. 

"I hate it, I hate this damn station, I hate this ugly train, I hate saying goodbye to you."

My tears are falling faster.

"I love you more than life itself. And the only thing that keeps me going is that I'm working to make a better life for you, for us, our future. So you just hold on to that thought, Kim Mina, and don't you ever forget how much I love you. Don't you ever forget that, don't you ever let that thought go."

I turn my head and try in vain to hide the endless stream of tears streaking down my cheeks. 

"Don't cry, darling," you say, your voice breaking. "Oh God. Please. Please, don't. Don't. I can't bear it."

You swallow, holding me tightly, desperately, as I cry into your embrace, my tears soaking your shirt. 

I take a step back, and the soles of my shoes make a harsh scrapping sound against the hard, indifferent concrete. 

"I can't do it," I whisper. "I can't keep doing this. It hurts so much. So much." I clutch a fist into my chest.

You kiss me gently. "You can do it. Remember what I said. I love you. Hang on to that."

You kiss my hands, lifting one palm, then the other, pressing your lips in the middle of each.

"Take care of these, they're holding my heart..."

I stumble towards the train, and climb up the steps. The soles of my shoes drag against the cold metal. 

I can't do it. 

I feel your arms on my back, warm against it, I hear your whisper in my ear, laced with longing and pain. 

"I love you. So much. I love you. Go on. You can do it. Just a step more. I'm with you. Remember that. All the time. Forever. Don't you ever forget that. Don't you ever let me go."

Someone looks at me, as I crouch in my seat, my face turned blindly towards the window.

Who knew one day it would come to this, my heartbreak on display, for the world to see?

You are standing very still, looking at me.

Once my train moves, once I am out of sight, I know you will break, and your bravery will crumble to dust. I know that you are brave only now, when my eyes are on you. 

I know that you are brave only when I am with you.

I scrape my thumbnail down the armrest, wishing for the prick of a sharp edge to distract from the pain in my chest, my delicate fragile heart, ripped right down the middle by the sadness in your face.

My heartbeat thunders in my ears, in rhythm to the juddering of the train as it starts to pull out of the train station. 

I lift my hand, and smile and wave at you through a haze of tears.

You smile, and wave back, and you swallow, maybe holding back your tears.

And then you are out of sight, and I am alone, shaking with silent sobs, scalding tears flooding my eyes, running down my cheeks.