Jaemin the Icy Prince on Campus - Na Jaemin NCT

24. Love Isn't Life, Kim Mina

"But I love you."

My voice was thick with pain.

"I love you. And you love me."

Your face was white, taut.

"I know. Don't you think I know that? I love you. I will always love you. But I have to let you - us - go. My father comes first."

"You would marry someone you don't love for his sake?"

"Yes." The word was stark, brutal; it ripped through my heart like a bulletshot, and I drew in a sharp intake of breath.

"Surely there is another way..." I whispered. "There has to be another way..."

"There is no other way. Unless you want to see my father in handcuffs and caged in prison like an animal." Your voice was flat, toneless.

"You love me..."

"So what if I love you?" you cried in anguish, and the tears spilled down your face. "What is love? Can love save my father? Can love dry my mother's tears? Who cares about love, anyway?" Your voice was trembling, your hands fisted into balls at your sides, the knuckles showing white. "Love isn't life, Kim Mina. Relationships, marriage, they don't run on love alone."

Your words tore into me, cut me open, bled me dry.

I understood what you were saying.

Our love wasn't enough, it couldn't keep your family from falling apart. 

Only a girl that I didn't know could. 

She, not me.

I was powerless in this great big world called Life.

"So when are you getting engaged to - to her?" I said through frozen lips.

"As soon as she wants it. Whenever. I don't care."

"And the wedding?"

"Whenever. Today. Tomorrow. Next year. I don't give a fuck."

You had never cursed in my presence. This was the very first time.

"I see." My voice was very quiet. "So what we did just now was a - a goodbye?"

You looked at me. All the anger in your blazing eyes died instantly, and in its place was a sadness so deep it brought tears to my eyes.

"Yes." It was a mere whisper. "Something for me to remember you by. Something for you to remember me by. A precious memory to hold on to when things - when things get rough..."

You reached out, and drew me to you very gently, and then I was crying, my tears were falling like rain, and I would never heal, I would never be whole again.

"Don't think about me anymore. If you must, think of me as the asshole who messed up your life." You kissed me sweetly, tenderly, heartbreakingly. "Promise me you'll forget me. Promise me you'll find a nice guy, someone good, someone who'll take care of you..." I heard the harsh sobs wrenched from your throat, your breaths rasping, struggling to keep them in, I tasted the salt on my lips, your tears mingling with my own, and, oh God, it hurt so much. So much. My heart was breaking, breaking, breaking, shattering into pieces...

"I promise..." I lied, and clung to you desperately, memorising you, your face, your lips, your arms, every inch of you. Remember. Remember. Remember. You must never forget. Remember. Forever and ever. Don't ever forget.

"I'll never hold you like this again. I'll never kiss you like this again." Your voice cracked a little. Your heart was beating very fast. You held me tightly, your wet cheek against mine, breathing me in, memorising me, like I was memorising you, for all the long, cold days and empty nights ahead.

"I know. I understand."

"I'm sorry, Mina. I'm so sorry. I let you down. I'm breaking your heart. When it's the thing I've sworn I'll never do. Forgive me. Please, forgive me."

"It's not your fault. The world is messing with us, it's jealous because we loved each other so much." Already I was speaking in the past, as if you were already gone from me, and our love had never been.

Our lips clung for the last time, and then you broke away first.

"The moment I walk out of that door, I'll try my damnest to forget you, Kim Mina. The moment I walk out of that door, I'll cut you out of my life."

"Okay," I said, smiling even though my cheeks hurt. I had to keep smiling, no matter what. You were hurting so much, and I didn't want to you to hurt anymore. "I'll bet you'll forget me in three days, maybe less."

"And if you're smart, you'll do the same, Kim Mina. Don't wear your heart out for a jerk like me."

"I won't." I continued to smile, even though my lips were beginning to tremble. "I'm not going to wear my heart out for a jerk like you. There's no way in hell I'll do that. Just watch me."

You blinked once, twice, and your fists clenched tighter at your sides.

"You're on your own now."

"I'm on my own." I echoed brightly, my tears spilling over, running down my cheeks.

"There's no more us. Just a you. And a me. Two people living next door to each other. Neighbours."

"Right, got you. No more us. Just a you. And a me. Two peo - "

I couldn't go on anymore. My throat was choked with tears.

I stared at you miserably, crying.

You took a step towards me, your face anguished.

I shook my head.

"No," I whispered. "Go. Just go."

You closed your eyes.

Determinedly, you turned your back on me.

"I'm going." You said, your voice raw, hoarse. "Goodbye."

"Jaemin," I said softly, as you reached the door.

You turned one last time.

"I hope you'll be happy," I said, smiling through my tears, the way I always smiled when I waved goodbye to you from the train, telling myself, it's okay, I'll see you again. 

Only this time, I was saying goodbye to you for keeps.

You paused, and looked at me slowly, your eyes lingering over my face, as if you were trying to consign every bit of me to memory.

"Happy?" Your voice was bitter. "Happiness doesn't factor in my life anymore. The moment I step out this door, I've lost any chance at it. Because happiness goes hand in hand with you..."

I saw the door close in a blur of tears.

There, I have come to the end of my page. 

The words are heavy today. 

Misery is lodged in every syllable. 

There was no swaying it, or reasoning with it. So I indulged it, breathed it, sang with its song, and waited for its sting.

But there is more to come. 

For misery delights in more misery, it feeds and gorges on unhappiness.

So be warned.

This is only the beginning...