Jaemin the Icy Prince on Campus - Na Jaemin NCT

51. Forever

My phone beeps in the car.

It's Leean.

He's at my house.

He's waiting for me.

Oh, my God.

I swallow.

"What is it?" Jaemin asks, frowning. He senses my every mood.

"Leean." My throat is dry. "He's here. At my house, waiting for me."

Jaemin stiffens.

"I thought he was in London."

"He flew back." My voice is barely a whisper. "He wanted to surprise me..."

I text Leean. My fingers are trembling. On my way home. Be there in twenty.

Okay, he texts back almost immediately. I miss you so much. I love you.

"Tell him about us." Jaemin is scowling.

"I'm going to hurt him. Again." I can't breathe, just imagining Leean's face crumbling.

"It's me you love." Jaemin is gripping my hand tight. He's afraid I'm having second thoughts.

"He's a nice guy. Nicer than you. Heaps nicer."

"Fine. So, he's nice. You need something more than nice."

"Nice is exactly what I need. I need something normal, and easy."

"That's not what you need. Trust me."

I try to turn my face away, but he won't allow it. I feel his thumb trace across my cheek. I try to push him away but end up pulled up against him, his other hand on the steering wheel.

"He's not enough for you."

"Says who?"

"Says me." He presses a kiss to my cheekbone, and I shiver. "You love me. You want me. Admit it. Stop being a little liar."

He's right, of course. He's always right.

"Tell him you're mine." His grip tightens on mine. "You're mine. I'm not letting you walk out of my life again."

I suck in a breath. I groan.

He lifts my hand to his lips and kisses it.

"You're beautiful when you're nervous," he tells me. "Thrash it out with him, and when you're done, come back to me. I'll be waiting."

We pull up at my house. I get out of the car first, and Jaemin climbs out off his side, and stands beside me. He is bristling with jealousy and resentment. He hates Leean, he hates that Leean and I shared a past together.

I am Kim Mina, and I am going to rip a man's heart into pieces today. Again. He is a survivor of my tainted, acrid love for Na Jaemin. He’s a hundred yards from where I am, standing in my doorway. Leean. My heart hurts, and all I can do is stand like a coward and watch him.  It has been three weeks since the last time I saw him. His parting words to me were I love you. I suck sticky air into my lungs and watch his face change from joy to shock to a crushing defeat in seconds; his shoulders sag, his face falls. He is looking at the man beside me, his eyes fixated on the hand draped so possessively over my shoulder. I recognise the expression on his face; it is numb horror, it is the same way I looked at Jaemin when Luna had her hand tucked in his.

"Leean..." My voice is ancient, weak; my heart cracks open with pain. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Leean. The same words I spoke six years ago.

Leean is a graceful, ashen ghost. His mouth opens and shuts. He looks like he is dying. Or maybe, he is already dead.

Jaemin wraps his arms around my waist and speaks into my hair. "I'll call you. I love you." He kisses me hard on the lips, his eyes on Leean. Leean's face. Oh, God, his face. I will never forget his face as long as I live. It is the face of a man broken beyond repair. I have scarred him for life. He will never get over me. Jaemin turns, and gets back into his car. His car pulls away, and Leean and I are left, staring at each other on the empty lane.

Leean is unshaven. He must have been in too much of a hurry to see me.

"We need to talk," I whisper.

We are at a secluded bridge. He drove us all the way here, and I got out first, and he followed from behind, slowly, like an old man. He hasn't spoken a word since he saw me and Jaemin, and that kiss that trumpeted so arrogantly, She's mine. Not yours. Never yours.

We stand leaning against the bridge, looking along the river.  It is beautiful, even though I don't get any feeling of peace. A gentle little breeze is blowing against my face. Tears roll out of my eyes. 

"I'm sorry." I whisper. "I'm so, so sorry, Leean."

He is staring straight ahead of him, looking utterly wretched. 

"It's my fault," I say. "Hate me all you want."

"I could never hate you, Mina." His voice is sad. "I love you."

The glow from the drowsy sun is on his face, the breeze blowing his thick black hair. He looks desperate and magnificent, handsomer than Jaemin, more wonderful than a picture of a male centrefold.

"I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you. Can't you choose me instead of - him?" He looks at me, his eyes alit with that steadfast, loyal love. "You liked it when I kissed you, didn't you? We had good times together. You were happy with me. He broke your heart, don't you remember?" He is breathing hard. "You're taking him back, after all the things he's done? He dumped you, Kim Mina - not once, but twice. He fucking married another girl - " He breaks off, slamming his fist into the iron railing.

"I love him," I say simply.

He goes very still.

"I might have known that," he says bitterly.  "I  might have guessed that nothing I've said today could matter to you." He's saying almost the same things he said six years ago.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I'm so fond of you, and so very grateful. But I don't - I don't love you.  Oh, Leean, dear, I'm so very sorry." I put my hand over his fist.

He closes his eyes, and inhales. His heart is breaking. He fights to hold it in. He doesn't want to say things that will hurt me, because that's the way he is. Even in his greatest pain, he thinks of me first. I am despicable. I don't deserve the love of such an honest, kind man. I am his first love, and I may well be his last. A man like Leean loves once, and he loves with all there is in his heart. He is like me. Like Jaemin. We love once, and forever. We are steadfast and stubborn in our love. And when we can't be with the ones we love, we are in torment. A love like ours is all-encompassing, all-enduring. It is a love that lasts forever. It is a love that irreplaceable. The first, and the last. The one, and the only.

When he opens his eyes, he looks calm, normal again.

"That's all right," he says, staring in front of him again. "Don't be sorry. You can't choose who you love, can you?" His mouth twists. "What a savage thing love is. You fall hard, and you sink in so deep, you can never get back up." He puts a hand on my cheek, and says softly, "And, above all, love is gracious. So, the one thing I want more than my own happiness is for you to be happy, and if it takes Na Jaemin to make Kim Mina happy, then so be it."

He steps forward, and hugs me gently.

"Be happy, my darling." I feel his kiss on the top of my head. I am crying, my tears falling thick and fast. "All I want is for you to be happy. I love you. Don't cry."