The Unexpected Zodiac (#Wattys2018)

author's note #2

//warning: anxiety mention & depression mention\\

hey guys

I know this isn't a chapter, but I feel like I owe you all an explanation for why I am taking a break on this book/writing in general

You see, the end of my senior year/the majority of my senior year wasn't the best and I kind of wasn't in the best spot and I really didn't realize that until a few months ago

Yea that's where all the drama kinda plays a part in my life and in the book updates

So I think it's pretty obvious that I'm struggling with some sort of anxiety and depression; I mean I have mentioned previously that I get anxious a lot and have felt depressed and that my mental health is something I really want to try and work on to better myself

Now all of this is important to why I'm on a break, but not really in the way you think. I mean it kinda is, but not fully

So here's the tea ☕️ // and before anyone comes at me; I have been thinking about talking to you guys about this and this girl has blocked me basically on every app so I have the right to talk about it//

Basically a couple of months ago my best friend and I had a fallout. No big deal, this happens all the time. However, when I went to talk to her for the first time in APRIL to talk to her about how some things she had done to me throughout the entirety of our senior year caused me a lot of anxiety and made me equally as depressed, she told me she understood and that she didn't realize that she was doing that. After that chat, we called it a day and yea.

Now fast forward to May; at graduation I wanted to ask her if we could go and get some coffee to talk because I didn't want to let things be left on bad terms. She said yes and I was happy because that was all I wanted. However, there is more here. Basically, our other friend — who I introduced her too (that's the important part) — wasn't really talking to me since we stopped being friends and I was afraid she didn't wanna be friends since I was invited to a movie and then this dude said that I couldn't go because of said friend and idk drama shit. But at graduation this friend asked for me to go to my other friend's — who I was still friends with, I know it's confusing I'm sorry — graduation party and everything I had thought before was kinda wrong at that point. So I went to the party and had fun, got along with everyone (realizing now that I said that I hated the girl's friend and that's probs why she hates me now whoops) and then after that is where Shit. Goes. Down.

Okay now we are in June. So go back to my best friend who I had wanted to meet up with; I had asked her around the end of June if she wanted to meet up, and she said sure and we planned a date. Important part here, never planned an actual place nor a time. And on the date we were supposed to go, we didn't. Now I wasn't really surprised because I was hella scared and busy that day and she was going on one of her many trips that summer. But what happened, happened and yea that was that.

Now in July is where everything kinda fell apart. I don't know where I was having an anxiety attack (this is like a week long type of thing...or something that lasts longer than a day; so panic attacks are like short, anxiety attacks are long periods of time) and this one was a week long one I think and in the midst of it, I messaged her—and it wasn't pretty.

I told her that she was a trigger for my mental health and that I didn't appreciate that while I was talking to her about my mental health and being so open and vulnerable, she just doesn't care or listen.

Basically in that message I was trying to tell her that she hurt me, and she had done it in a way that I won't forgive her, because I physically don't know if I can.

After this, she told other people that I blamed my mental health on her when I clearly said trigger. And other people are thinking that I am faking my mental health.

Now the blaming part isn't what hurts the most; it's the faking. Why would I fake something that clearly is stopping me from living my life? Why would I fake something that has made me life in fear and sadness for my entire life?

That part hurt the most, and that's why I can't forgive them.

This past summer I have spent worrying about all of this drama and it has caused me to have so many panic attacks that I can't even count how many; and I'm really not here to need your pity, but I'm here because I need to know that what these girls did was not right.

But I think you guys should know this, because it was the main reason I wasn't motivated this summer. I was busy with work, but I was also with dealing with this and my mental health.

I'm not giving up on any of my writing, nor am I quitting Wattpad; I just need a break to try and focus on getting better. I'm starting college in the next week and that itself it already giving me a lot of anxiety and I have to meet my new roommates and move away from my family (not that far but still)

I appreciate every single one of you that has read this and has waited patiently; and those who have sent me messages, I appreciate those too. You don't even know how much those mean to me to see that you all care and that someone is reading my stories.

I really want to give you guys something soon, but in the meantime I'm going to try and sit and breathe and focus on what's important

And that's my own well-being

Thank you if you read through this whole thing, I know it's kinda lengthy for an author's note, but it's important.

Thank you also if you continue to read my story and wait for the next chapter to come out.

I can't wait to bring them out to you :))

I love you all so very much, but you already knew that

goodbye