Stay Awake With Me [Destiel, College!AU]

9. Party

Cas re-set his alarm every night, based on what time he was going to sleep. Sometimes he would start having a night terror before it went off, and the loud beeping wouldn't do a thing to wake him, but sometimes it would go off and Cas would wake, having only been asleep for an hour. He could fall back to sleep then and very, very rarely, did he have another terror. It was the only thing he could really do to help himself. He was trying to get better. To fix himself. The money situation got worse and worse and soon, he found himself accepting baskets of food from Balthazar. He gave them back when they first started arriving, but slowly, he lost the energy to do anything. 

Balthazar would invite him out for dinner sometimes. To some fancy restaurant where he would pay for everything.

Cas often sat across from Balthazar with his head in his hands. The romantic candle that sat between them made his heart ache. You're single now, buddy, he reminded himself. You can be with someone else if you want to… Cas stopped that thought as soon as he realised where it was going. He didn't want to be with anyone. Ever. He didn't want to be responsible for injuring someone else. 

Those dinners were often quite awkward, though thankfully, Balthazar never talked to Castiel about anything more than the weather, or something he'd learned in class. Cas was glad to have the Englishman's company. That voice constantly chatting away somewhat distracted him from the hole in his heart. He hadn't realised it, but he supposed the hole must have been there long before Dean had come along. Dean had filled it. And now it was there once again and it hurt.

When Cas had trudged into the café after walking out on Dean, he'd been a mess, hair all ruffled, shirt untucked and tears streaking lines down his cheeks.

Anna had ran up to him and thrown her arms around him. "What happened?"

Cas could hardly breathe, but somehow he'd managed to tell her. 

Anna had pulled back from him then and glared at him, a 'you're dead to me' look in her eyes and her mouth pressed into a thin line. She'd flicked her long red hair over her shoulder and spun on her heels. She came back to the seat Cas had collapsed in and handed him a mug of steaming chocolaty goodness. She'd sat down opposite him and narrowed her eyes.

Cas chugged down the warm drink and slammed his head down on the table.

"I spat in that," Anna said suddenly. "I hope you get sick."

Cas' eyes flickered from the empty mug beside him to the mischievous and angry look in Anna's eyes.

Anna had ignored him for a while after that. Not that there'd been much of a person to ignore.

Cas pulled back from everyone. He hid. Even when he was sitting in his classes, he was only just managing not to burst into tears. Might as well give up the education now…. Not like anything is sinking in…

He would have given up too, if Balthazar hadn't dragged him out of his room and forced him back into the world.

As Cas sat in the park, thinking about the two months that had passed, he saw a familiar face in the distance. 

It was Sam. He was smiling cheerfully and clutching something in his hands. He wasn't smiling at Cas and the smile faded as he got closer.

Cas looked around for Dean. He wasn't sure whether he wanted to see him or not. He didn't. Dean was nowhere in sight.

"Hey, Castiel…' Sam said awkwardly. "You left this at Dean's place."

It was the sweater Sam had given him for Christmas. Cas took it from him and looked down at it. His hand automatically went to the small silver angel hanging around his neck. Just touching it made him feel better and worse at the same time. Better, because Cas felt he was doing what was right for Dean, but worse, because Cas missed him with all his heart. "Thanks… Sam?"

Sam had been about to leave, but he turned back to stare down at Cas. He looked angry. He was staring at Cas like he was the worst human being alive.

"How is he….?" Cas mumbled. He felt like curling up into a ball as soon as the question passed his lips. He didn't want to know. The answer could only hurt.

"How is he?" Sam looked taken aback by the question. "He's pretending to cope. He fell apart, Cas." Sam put his hands on his hips and pursed his lips together.

Cas blinked up at the sky. It was cloudy, but bright and he had to squint. He liked the sky when it was like this. It was something he could just stare at. It wouldn't change; the sun wouldn't suddenly come out and blind him. He could just stare up at it and get lost in the shades of grey. "He'll be fine." Cas hugged the sweater to his chest and smelt it. It seemed like a strange thing to do, but it smelt vaguely like Dean. I mean, it had been sitting in his apartment for over two months now.

Sam shook his head sadly. "You're an idiot."

Cas looked up again. 

"The reason you left, it was stupid. Dean could help you, if you only let him!" Sam turned and walked away, shoving his hands into his short tan jacket.

Cas wanted to just sit there with his thoughts for a while, but Balthazar had already seen him and was jogging over. Cas tugged the black sweater over his head and tried to look happy. Balthazar wouldn't shut up if Cas looked as bad as he felt.

Balthazar stood back a bit to admire Cas' attire before grabbing his sleeve and starting to drag him away. "Come on," he said moving to hold the other man's hand.

Cas froze and pulled his hand back. He wiped it on his blue jeans as though Balth had sneezed on it.

Balth's face fell and re adjusted his sort of… well, velvet looking jacket. He coughed awkwardly and took hold of Castiel's sleeve again.

"Where are we going?" Cas asked.

"To a party."

"I don't…. really… like parties…"

"You don't get a say in this," Balthazar laughed and he began walking again. They went back to their dorm and Balthazar went in to Cas' room, opening the wardrobe and looking through the clothes inside.

"What are you doing?" Cas sat on his bed, pulling at a thread on his quilt.

"Finding you something more appropriate to wear…" He pulled out a pair of black jeans with a hole in one knee, a dark grey t shirt and one of Cas' button up shirts. It was a dark red

Cas looked at the clothes that had just been tossed at him. He avoided wearing these jeans because they were too tight. Not uncomfortably so, but they made him all self-conscious. He bit his lip and looked to his bedside table. There was a book sitting there that was just begging him to re-read it, but he didn't want to say no to Balthazar so he just sighed and changed.

Balth watched him the entire time; eye brows raised a wicked grin on his face. He picked up the button up shirt and handed it to Cas. "Keep it unbuttoned," he said.

Cas pulled it on and looked at himself in the mirror on the wall. He didn't look like himself. He didn't feel like himself…

Balthazar made a clicking sound with his tongue in appreciation. "Much better," he muttered to himself.

Cas tried to swallow the lump in his throat as Balth wrapped a hand around his wrist and dragged him from the room. "I'm not wearing shoes," Cas said and stopped.

Balthazar disappeared for a moment into his own room across the hall. He came back out with a pair of black converse chucks.

Cas slipped them on, but before he could tie them up, he was being dragged out the door.

Balthazar tried desperately to keep a conversation going as they sat in his car. "So Cas…. Have you had any more of those weird dreams about being an angel?" He asked.

Cas didn't like that question. Those dreams had been about Dean… but Balth wasn't asking about Dean, he was asking about the dreams, so Cas took a deep breath and shook his head. "The last one I had was before the first time I remembered a night terror…"

"What happened in it?"

Cas sighed. It hadn't been a pleasant dream. It had been closer to a nightmare…. "I was trying to be God," he whispered, thudding his head back against the head rest and closing his eyes.

"God," Balthazar repeated as if to confirm that he'd heard it correctly.

"Yes. I… I was doing what I thought God should be doing…. What God wasn't doing… And then I don't know," he scratched at his head. "I think I was dying or something… I remember apologizing to… Someone…." Cas had been apologizing to Dean in his dream, but he didn't want to say the name. "The last thing in the dream was like, all this light coming from my chest and this huge hole in a wall…. So I guess I died," Cas shrugged. "And then I started remembering the terrors… and the dreams stopped."

Balthazar obviously didn't know what to say and just sat there quietly until they pulled up out the front of a huge white house with a heap of massive glass windows and what looked like a jumping castle out the front. "This is going to be so much fun…" Balthazar grinned and pulled Cas from the car.

The rest of the night went by in a blur. Castiel could remember alcohol, dancing, loud music, bright lights and a bed rushing up towards him. He could remember seeing Dean's face from across the crowd and he remembered not caring. He didn't remember anything else. Not until he woke up in strange bed, in a strange room. It was all strange to him, and yet horribly familiar. It was the same furniture, the same wallpaper and basic design as his own room. Only this wasn't his room. His suspicions were confirmed when the bathroom door opened and someone very familiar stepped out. Stark naked, a towel slung over his arm.

Balthazar.

~~

Dean was sitting in the impala. He liked being in the car more than he did his apartment. Over two months since Cas had left his apartment and Dean was still hiding away from the world. He went out with Sam for drinks and he smiled, pretending to be okay, but his brother wasn't stupid. Dean couldn't fool him forever. For now though, fooling Sam was all he could do. He was blasting Eye of the Tiger when Sam tapped on the car door. Dean jumped and turned the radio off immediately, embarrassed that he'd been caught air drumming.

Sam smiled and shook his head. He opened the door. "Cas has the sweater back," he said.

Dean frowned. "I gave it to you like, a month ago…"

"Yes, and I forgot about it until this morning."

"So you just saw him?"

"Yes, but we're not going to talk about him. We're going to a party!"

Dean groaned. "Go by yourself, Sammy! Don't you have a girlfriend?" Dean had heard nothing but talk of Sam's new girlfriend for the last few weeks and it was getting annoying.

Sam nodded. "Jess is sick… Besides, you need to have some fun… Maybe you'll see a guy you like."

Dean just glared at him. "I'm not gay, Sam."

"But Castiel…"

"Yeah, he's a dude, but I'm not gay. It's not guys . It's just him. It was… It was only Cas…." Dean was still glaring. His eyes were lifeless and his hair was just sitting flat on his head. He'd almost started growing a beard thing too…. It was a mess of stubble that was just leaving the stubble faze and making its way towards being a proper beard. Dean knew that Cas wouldn't like it, but Cas was gone.

"Alright… Well, it'll be fun anyway! What do you say?"

Dean's first instinct was to say 'Cas doesn't like parties', but Cas was gone and that wasn't an excuse he could use anymore. He sighed and nodded, handing the car keys to his brother and stepping out of the car.

Sam seemed confused for a moment.

"You drive," was all Dean said as he opened Sam's door and pulled his brother out.

Sam always seemed surprised when Dean let him drive. He hardly let Sam touch his baby, let alone be in charge of keeping it in one piece.

Dean was holding onto his seat for dear life as Sam set off. He didn't really want to let Sam drive, but he felt as though he'd be less reliable on the road than he usually was. He couldn't stay focussed.

The party was massive. It was an unusual time of day (about 5 in the afternoon) for a party this big really, but Dean had no doubt that it would roll over into the early hours of the morning. 

Dean dragged his feet as he followed Sam into the crowded house. The curtains were drawn on the massive windows so pretty much everywhere was dark. He didn't want to be there and he immediately found a particularly dark corner to sit in with a beer. He sat with the chair facing the wall and refused to dance when Sam came over with a lovely young girl. Dean barely registered that she was pretty. 

Sam tried a few times without success, to get his older brother onto the dance floor. 

Dean didn't want his help. He stayed with his lonely beer bottle and sipped at it, letting the loud music flood his mind. When the beer ran out, Dean sighed. He'd have to leave his dark corner. He'd have to face the world. So he slid from his seat and walked over to grab another. That's when he saw him. A man, dressed in tight black jeans, a tight grey t shirt and a red button up shirt. A man with a mess of dark brown hair and kind, sad blue eyes that sparkled when the light hit them just right.

It was Castiel. Castiel wasn't dressed like himself. He was smiling stupidly at the ceiling and the glittering disco ball that hung from it. He was drunk… and dancing. He was swaying on the spot like he didn't have a care in the world. 
Then, just as Dean was thinking about tearing his gaze away, a man with short, dirty blond hair stepped forward, wrapped his hand around Cas' neck and kissed him right on the lips.