Stay Awake With Me [Destiel, College!AU]

10. Fight For It

It was Balthazar. Balthazar was kissing Castiel. 

Dean just stood there in shock. He had met Balthazar a few times. He'd never seemed particularly interested in Cas… Now Balthazar was kissing him. Dean hated him then… Him and his stupid V-necks. Dean stood there for what felt like hours, unable to move or to think of anything other than his Castiel kissing some English douche nozzle in a V neck.

"Dean what are you… oh…" Sam was standing by his side, following his gaze to Cas and Balthazar.

Dean turned away, grabbing his beer and stalking out of the gigantic house. His insides felt like they were boiling and tears were leaking from his eyes. He sucked in a breath through his teeth and doubled over in the driveway. A little part of him had been clinging on to the fact that maybe, just maybe, Cas was as miserable as him. Now it seemed that that wasn't true and that part of Dean broke.  He was alone in his misery. Cas didn't care. He didn't need Dean. Not as us much as Dean needed him. 

"Dean?" Sam was jogging up to him. He put a hand on his brother's back and frowned at him.

Dean stood up straight and turned his face to the sky. It was dark now, but he couldn't see the stars. He felt any hint of happiness draining away.

Sam was talking to him.

Dean couldn't hear what he was saying. He forced a small smile and practically ran down the path. He headed straight past his car and down the road, walking until he was in the park. It was right in the middle of everything, its bare tree towering over him, just starting to grow their leaves back.. Dean sat down under the pavilion and just stared off into space, trying to forget what he'd just seen, but the image of Balthazar and Cas kissing was seared onto his brain. He shivered and zipped up his greenish jacket. He wished it would get warmer already... It had been too cold for too long. He didn't like the cold. After a while, Dean saw his Impala through the tree. He saw Sam get out and start walking towards him.

"Dean, I'm sorry…" Sam said. "Are you okay?"

Dean got to his feet. "Sure. Why wouldn't I be?" he cleared his throat and tried to look as confident and tough as he could.

Sam glared at him.

Dean shrugged and pushed past him. If Sam knew that Dean wasn't okay, why did he ask in the first place? Dean looked at his car for a second. He looked at the pile of cassettes that sat on the back seat and debated driving away and not coming back. He thought momentarily about leaving this place behind… but he couldn't do that. No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't leave. Because as stupid as it was, Dean still believed that Castiel needed him. Dean walked up to the car and slid into the passenger side.

Sam drove them back to Dean's building and dragged his half unconscious brother up the flight of stairs. The half fell into the room and Sam scowled at Dean, who was making things difficult on purpose.

Dean shooed Sam away and sat down on the couch, yawning and stretching out his legs. He turned on the TV and tried not to care. He tried not to care about anything, but it all hurt too much. So when he finally gave up on trying, he closed his eyes and slept.

~~

Cas flipped out of the bed and raced around, searching desperately for his clothes.

Balthazar just smiled at him. "Good morning darling," he said, throwing the towel on the bed carelessly. He started walking towards Castiel.

"Stay away from me," Cas growled. His head was aching and he felt dizzy and sick. What did I do?! Cas was panicking. He pulled on his clothes as fast as he could and took one last horrified look at Balth before racing from the room. Once he was safely in his own room he leant against the door, eyes wide and heart thudding. He didn't remember doing what he'd obviously done. He'd been drunk. He hadn't been thinking. The thought of sleeping with Balthazar was repulsive. It scared him, actually. If he could do that, did that mean he was getting over Dean? Was he finally getting over him? No. He couldn't be. He'd been drunk. When Cas thought back to the previous night, he remembered seeing Dean's face. Had Dean… seen anything? What if he had? What if Dean was upset? No. He wouldn't care. You left him, he probably hates you, he reasoned with himself.

Are you talking to me? Cas texted Anna. He hadn't spoken with her in ages, and the last time he had, she'd been in a very bad mood

Perhaps… Why?

Because I think I just had sex with Balthazar and I need someone to talk to.

It took a good five minutes (which Cas spent banging his head against the wall) for Anna's reply to come through. BALTHAZAR!? 

Yes. I'm really grossed out right now and I seriously need help!

I guess I'll meet you in the park then?

Sure.

Cas got changed again, back into the fluffy black angel sweater and a comfortable pair of blue jeans. He opened the door a crack to make sure that Balth wasn't lurking around in the corridor before he made a dash for it. I pretty much sprinted down the street and crossed the road without looking for cars. He made his way to the seat where he always met Anna. She wasn't there yet and Cas used this time taking deep breaths and trying to scrub thoughts of naked Balthazar from his mind. He closed his eyes for a few second and when he opened them he saw a familiar face peering at him from a little way away.

Dean… Dean seemed to jump a little when he realised that he'd been spotted and looked down at the ground as he walked over. You can't just walk away and leave after you've been seen like that…

Cas fought the urge to run. To turn and hide behind a tree or something. The truth was  that Cas knew he'd been stupid. He'd been such an illogical idiot when he'd hurt Dean, but he'd still hurt him and he was too ashamed to crawl back and beg for forgiveness.

"Hello Dean…" He huffed, squinting as he looked anywhere but those green eyes.

"Hey... How are you?" Dean shuffled his feet awkwardly, focussing on the pattern of wings on Cas' chest.

"I'm better…"

"Yeah? Have you got a job or…?"

"No… Balthazar's been kind enough to help me out."

Dean looked like he was going to explode. He almost did, too. "Balthazar…" he whispered, his voice shaky and angry. "You wouldn't let me buy you sleeping pills!! But you let freaking Balthazar…." He cut off, clearly finding it difficult to contain his emotions.

Cas took a step back. "He didn't give me a choice," Cas sounded as though he was pleading, and he was. Pleading for Dean to understand, even if he didn't understand it himself. "He just kept showing up with food…"

"HE'S BEEN FEEDING YOU!?"

"Dean, I don't like it any more than you do!"

Dean pursed his lips and nodded his head slightly, eyes nearly bulging out of their sockets. "Sure. So you were making out with him against your will last night, where you?"

Cas didn't know what to say. He didn't remember doing that, so he couldn't exactly answer the question… But Drunk Castiel should never be responsible for his actions.

Dean laughed kind of hysterically and took a deep breath. He licked his lips and took a step forward. "Look at me, Cas."

Cas grimaced as he lifted his head up and stared straight into those painfully beautiful hazel-green eyes. "What?" He felt like crying.

"Are you sleeping with him?" He sounded so tired and hurt and he was looking at Cas with eyes completely devoid of happiness.

Cas' eyes flickered around at the trees as he tried to think of a response. "No…" he muttered.

Dean growled. "Look me in the eyes and tell me you haven't slept with him."

That was a different question… a question that was much more difficult to answer. Cas tried to keep his eyes locked on the green. He swallowed that huge lump in his throat and balled his hands into fists at his side. He couldn't do it. He looked down at Dean's boot clad feet.

Dean half gasped and half choked on air. He made a funny little whimpering sound and took a breath that was so shaky it was heart breaking. "Damn it Cas," he whispered, sounding utterly defeated. "We could have fixed it…"

Cas sniffed, pulling the sleeves of his sweater down over his hands. "I know," was all he said before Dean walked past him.

He looked as though his limbs were weighing him down, but it was really just his thoughts. His feet barely lifted up off the ground as he left.

Cas collapsed onto the seat, leaning his elbows on his knees and looking up at the sky. Perhaps God would help him… Perhaps he'd make things better… or at least give him some guidance. What am I supposed to do? He felt the tears trickling down his face and he brushed them away. He felt so lost and disgusted with himself that he wanted to tear at his hair and scream until his throat burnt. He didn't though… mostly because Anna was walking through the trees and shrubs towards him.

It seemed as though she was going to say something nasty, but she took one look at Castiel's face and obviously decided against it. She sat down next to him and took his hand in hers. Her eyebrows knitted together in concern. "What happened?"

Cas tried to get the words out, but it seemed as though they were stuck in his throat. So he just wrapped his arms around the redhead beside him and hugged her.

She made a little 'being strangled' sound and pushed at Cas half-heartedly.  "Is this about Balthazar?"

"A little," Cas managed to get out and he sat back, squeezing Anna's hand tightly. "Dean hates me. He really hates me…. And all because I was an idiot."

"You weren't an idiot… You were scared."

Cas smiled sadly and let his breathing slow. "I love you Anna," he murmured and planted a kiss on the top of her head.

"I know," she said. "Now… Balthazar?"

"I was drunk…"

"Aaahh… You let Drunk Castiel off the leash…" She nodded in understanding.

"Dean… Dean said he saw us kissing… I don't remember… All I know is that I woke up in Balthazar's bed with no clothes on!"

Anna stayed quiet for a while, thinking. "Avoid him for a bit then tell him you're not interested."

"Yeah… only, he's the only reason I haven't lost all of my money."

Anna smacked him on the head. "You idiot! You have me! I have a job! Cas, you have friends! Real friends!"

Cas seemed taken aback by this outburst and he didn't know what to say.

Anna continued. "A while ago you had Dean too…. And his family… "

Cas bit his lip and nodded. "What should I do?"

"You should get Dean back!"

"Anna, he hates me! He doesn't want me back!"

"My God, Cas! Grow some balls!" Anna put a hand to her head and shook it in despair. "Do you still love him?" She asked, looking back up.

Cas thought about it for a moment, though he really didn't need to. "Yes…"

"You want him back?"

"Yes…"

"If you want something, you have to fight to get it, right?"

Cas nodded.

"Then start fighting."