DOUBLE EDGED A Harper's Book. (Book 10)

Did It This Time

What is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing this to Frankie? To myself? Why can't I just let go of my guilt and grief? Why is it so important that I punish myself for thing's beyond my control? Because I ruined my family. I am the reason for so much suffering. I don't deserve happiness or love. I deserve to be swallowed into the depths of hell then spit out like rotten food.

Looking out of the circular window of the plane, I could now see the lights of New York City below. The entire flight I beat myself up over the way I placed my hands on Frankie, the cruel word's I tossed at her and for my unbalanced mood swings towards her. I've screwed with that girl's head way too many time's. No wonder she claims to be done with me, hell I'm even done with me.

At least she has her freedom now, I seen to that when I had her escorted off the grounds. But freedom was what she wanted right? Maybe had I not received that heart wrenching phone call I would have handle our argument better but that call stabbed me through the heart. So many memories of that horrid night and the day's there after resurfaced. My guilt and blame was at an all time high and Frankie just kept pushing wanting me to open up to her and not blame myself and I cracked. I was hurting and wanted her to hurt too.

Even now I can't believe I told her about my mother's death. Never had I spoke to anyone about that. Maybe I'm scared because Frankie makes me feel all these strange feelings. I find myself wanting to talk to her, tell her my deepest fears and how much I hate myself and I don't like that. I don't like feeling vulnerable to her. I don't like how my heart speeds up from just her smile or how her sweet scent makes me want to hold her in my arm's. I hate how she can scramble my mind and tug at my emotions.

It doesn't matter anymore, it's over. The best thing I can do for her is to stay away. I'll only bring sadness to her life. I did her a favor by kicking her out. I shook my head as I recalled how close I came to admitting my feelings for her but Mizery put a stop to that. I can't help but wonder how Frankie would have reacted at hearing me confess my love to her. Would she have laughed and rejected me? Probably so, I couldn't blame her either, especially after my blow outs.

As the plane bumped along the runway confirming that the flight was at an end, I forced Frankie from my mind as best as I could. It was time to focus on this new development. This morning I received a call from Duel. He informed me that there was evidence that my mother was alive. Our conversation was brief but the message got across. As a matter of fact, Fuel should be waiting for me at the airport. As I exited the terminal my face broke open into a huge smile as I spotted Duel. There he stood dead center amongst the crowd holding a bright, colourful homemade sign. In bold, black letters it said. "Welcome home sister!! Congratulations on the sex change".

All of the bystanders were ogling me I'm guessing trying to figure out my true gender. Rushing toward him, I pounced on him and placed him in a head lock while scrubbing my knuckles over his head. "Come on shit head. We have thing's to take care of".

Duel laughed and tossed his sign in the trash. Once in his car I asked. "Any news".

" To put it lightly.... It's been a shit storm brewing. Marcus escaped, Mizery remembered what she saw plus came home engaged to Marietta so Cole busted a blood vessel or three and your own father revealed that he has had contact with your mother. Funny thing is that she's took shots at him. They are currently scouring the city searching for G Mama and Marcus".

I digested all of this information before I spoke. "Are we sure that this person is my mother? Could it be a look a like trying to wreck havoc on our emotions to make us weak?"

" I guess that is possible but your father is certain it's her".

"By the way, I hate that I missed Cole's shit show when he found out about the engagement" . I chuckled.

"I'm sure his tantrum isn't over yet. Just temporarily delayed due to the circumstances. Oh and guess who finally bagged Zoe" Duel said with a grin.

"Not you". I scoffed.

" Think again".

"She must have been drunk". I snorted.

Duel gave me a serious look. "How'd you know?"

" Really dude? You took advantage of her? "

"Not technically. She was wanting it so I gave it to her".

" I bet she went off on you the next morning? "

Duel shrugged. "Pretty much and has avoided me since but she can't keep denying this".

I laughed. "You're in denial Duel. Zoe hates you... Probably more so now."

" she'll come around. In the meantime I've been banging this chic and let me tell you...the bitch can swallow a cock".

I laughed and shook my head at him. "You're hopeless and all of this bed hopping is going to catch up with you one day".

We chatted about the family along with the new discoveries the remainder of the ride. Once at the Den I was briefed on the latest findings which left my Pape with a stab wound to the thigh. As my Pape spoke I could sense the anger and defeat in his voice. Even having heard straight from him that my mother was indeed alive was unbelievable. So many motions swooped down upon me but the guilt still remained. This could all have been prevented had I not insisted on coming to the city to celebrate my birthday.

At the mere thought of that suddenly Frankie floated back into my mind. I recalled the party she arranged for me and my less than stellar reaction. As I was lost in thought, I heard my name being called. Looking up I saw everyone's eye's upon me. "Are you with us son?"

" Oh, yes sure". I said sitting up.

They were now discussing new tactics to try and trap Marcus and locate mom. As we were trading idea's Demarco busted out in excitement. "I broke through. Our accounts are now free."

Pape nodded. "That's one less worry. Now we need to keep a watch out for any possible suspects" .

Hour's later we finally called a end to the meeting and decided to get some sleep even though the sun came up hour's ago. Before I knew it I had been there three day's and we were still at square one. We had no leads, no sightings, no nothing. It was if Marcus and my mother disappeared off the face of the earth. Needless to say, Frankie still haunted every fraction of my mind. After lunch I finally gave in. I had to hear her voice. I had to know that I was forgiven and that we would be okay. Hitting send I waited for the phone to ring but was surprised when a recording announced that this number was no longer in service. Sighing, I say my phone down and knew she never wanted to see me again if she went as far as to change numbers. Lighting up my laptop I begin my search but found no new number in her name. Shouldn't be shocking, she has so many fake identities to go with. Realizing that I had lost, I trudged my way down to the Den. As I passed by my Pape's door he called me in. "Who is she?"

" who is who? "

He chuckled. "Well you're walking around here sulking. You're spaced out alot. So who's the girl"

I shook my head. "No one. It doesn't matter now, it's over".

" not if you let it be". He said narrowing his eye's.

"Trust me, it is. I screwed it up".

" Give it time. Maybe she'll come around".

I nodded and made my exit. No, there was no coming back around this time.