DOUBLE EDGED A Harper's Book. (Book 10)

The Search

A lite moan escaped my lips as I stretched my well rested limbs and begin to stir. Opening my eye's I saw King nestled beside me sound asleep. I grinned and placed a quick peck to his cheek before scrambling out of the warmth of my bed. Trotting to the bathroom to relieve myself, my stomach made a very angry announcement. After a fast shower I made my way to the kitchen where I helped myself to a glass of juice while I waited for my toast to spring from the toaster.

Moment's later I sat at the table with grape jelly smeared perfectly over my toast. As I nibbled away my thoughts returned to my current condition. I was still in disbelief over the fact that a baby was growing in my womb. It all just seemed unreal. I now feel foolish for thinking the worst of King. Hearing him say that he would remain by my side and seeing the excitement on his face eased my heart. I realized that it wasn't King leaving that scared me so but the thought of turning out like my not there parent's. Let's just say that that hurt and scars run deep. Many never healing. I had assumed that I had forgotten and buried the pain deep inside but learning that I was going to be a new mommy opened the flood gates. All of my old anger and sadness resurfaced as I imagined my baby to be and the thought of tossing it away and I knew instantly that I could never do something like that. Already I felt a deep love like none other for this child and would take every measure to make sure it knows that it's loved everyday. I would never let my child feel the way I had felt. My baby will never know pain or the feeling of being unwanted.

I now understand that my unsure feelings of doubt are springing from my own insecurities and horrible childhood. However this only made me more determined to prove my parent's along with every foster parent I had wrong. I'm can be a better person. I can be a loving and caring mother. I've just got to fix me first. I've got to overcome the sadness and put my fears behind me. I need to know exactly where I came from in order to heal. I want to know who I look like, what traits I may have inherited but most importantly I wanted my questions answered. Questions I have carried around with me like the weight of a thousand men since I was a child. I want to know why? I want to look them in the eye and ask why they gave me away? Why they didn't love me? I want to know if they ever thought about me? Ever tried to find me or regretted their decision? Only then can I heal and just maybe I will allow them to know me, of course it will take a lot of time but I could ever forgive them.

Placing my plate in the sink, I grabbed up my laptop and began my search. People did this all the time right, search for their estranged parent's or a child they gave up. I've seen the shows on television but never thought of looking for them myself. Mostly because I wanted to hate them. Even if I find them I'm not saying that I'll have a relationship with them but I need my questions answered so I can move on with my life and focus on my child and King, my little family.

After nearly an hour of searching I had turned up nothing. There was no records to be found but how can you find someone you know nothing about. Assuming that they came from the same town where I was abandoned, I knew what I had to do. Going to my room, I retrieved my suitcase from the closet and begin to pack quietly so as not to disturb King. I had to return home, to the place I swore I'd never go back to. Once there I would go to the children's home where I was left. There had to be someone there who knew something or some records. "What are you doing?" Kong's groggy voice asked.

I was so engrossed in my packing I hadn't noticed him stir. Sitting on the bed I begin to explain. "It's time I faced my demons. I have so many unanswered questions and I'm tired of carrying this burden around with me. I'm going home, the place I came from. I'm searching for my parent's. I've got to do this so I can heal and overcome my past. I also need this especially now since I'm going to be a mother".

King sat up sharply and was suddenly wide awake. "Frankie I don't think that's a good idea".

" Why ever not? "

"Because your pregnant and don't need to put yourself or the baby under stress. I can have my men check into it".

Shaking my head no, I spoke. "No, I need to do this. I need to find them King. Please understand how important this is to me".

" I do Ginger Snap and trust me, I want nothing more than to see you healed but wait until after the baby. Just take care of you two right now".

Standing up I begin to pace. "No. I need to do this before the baby arrives. I promise I'll take it easy". I insisted.

King gave a frustrated with and shrugged his shoulders. "Fine but if I feel if it's too stressful I'll make you stop and wait. Understood?"

It wasn't long before we was on king's jet off in search of my parent's. However King seemed to be distant but I figured he was just worried about me. It wasn't long before I stood in front of the pale brick building where my parent's dumped me so many year's ago. Nothing had changed about the place. It still looked just as bleak and unwelcoming as it did all those year's ago. Fighting back tears, I started up the steep steps towards the double wooden doors. Placing my nervous hand on the tarnished door knob, I gripped Kings hand with my free one. "I need you more than ever right now". I gulped.

King didn't speak but he did give my hand a tight squeeze. I found the courage to open the door and step into my past.