Through Chaos and Order | Shota Aizawa

Fifteen

Sugar — strong.

At least three packets per cup.

With a splash of creamer.

That's how Shouta likes his coffee.

I know this because he could be seen many times a day within the teachers lounge, making himself some to override his seemingly-constant weariness. Yet, even with all of that sugar in his body, he still manages to sleep during his lecture's, consumed in his yellow sleeping bag.

It was also what I tasted when Chaos made me kiss him. I may have not of been in physical control but I can still perceive basic senses.

Taste.

Sound.

Touch.

And that's the problem; I can feel everything that Chaos does when she is in control. I felt his tense body as I was pressed against him. His rapid heart beat. His firm grip on my wrists. His surprisingly soft, and warm lips. Oh, god, those lips I once dreamed of enchanting when I was a young, hopeless romantic.

This is not how I imagined kissing him again. In saying that, I'd be lying if I said I didn't imagine such a scenario prior to that evening. Whenever I am around Shouta, I can't help but reminisce about the old days, and inwardly desire what we once had, but our relationship now, as adults, and coworkers, made me feel constantly under pressure about being strictly professional with him. This thought genuinely made me upset, like I want to date him again.

I say "like" as if there's a possibility I don't. That is also a lie. The feelings are obvious, yet disregarded most of the time.

So, now, as I watch Shouta sleep on my living room couch, and await him to wake up, I gaze at his features hopelessly, all my feelings coming forth. It was overwhelming. I was overwhelmed.

Order is still gone. I am in her form, but my body isn't healing. I have bags underneath my eyes, and my body aches as if I am covered in bruises. I gave up on asking why hours ago.

Chaos is also still. She granted her promise as soon as Shouta passed out from her quirk, transitioning back into Order willingly. When I was given control again, my memory of the day was vague, and all I can recall is that of the visit with Shouta. When reality hit, I drug him to the couch so he could rest comfortably. Now, Chaos may be silent, but her negative feelings are all I can perceive. Her sadness, and loneliness.

It's funny. I can't even refer to my stances as "I." It feels wrong even referring myself as a singular being. There is Order, and there is Chaos. There is no "I," or "me." Just them. It is a very lonely feeling.

Now that I think about it, as I gaze at Shouta's sleeping frame with despondency and rue, many would perceive this as harrowing, but when you care about someone as much as I find myself caring for him, it feels like if you look away for even a second, they could be gone. And I hate feeling alone, especially since Mom passed away.

I've been sitting here, in this kitchen chair, for so long I lost track quite a while ago. When Chaos kisses someone, she paralyzes them, but Shouta full-on blacked out. I assume it is because of his lack of rest. His body just couldn't handle her energy. Even so, I can feel her satisfaction of what she has done to him, and how easy it was to do it.

    You're my key to supremacy.

    Chaos was using Order to get to Shouta. Order loved Shouta, and found him dear. She was using my feelings against me. She simply couldn't handle the idea of someone owning her, and that is exactly what Shouta did with his skill level and quirk.