"What will it take?" I grabbed both his hands in mine and leaned against him. He has to be on stage in three minutes- I know but I don't care.
"Don't," he pushed me away again but not without giving me one last longing look.
...
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I wake up feeling like shit. But what's worse is, I wake up remembering everything.
Usually hungover me doesn't recall much from the previous night but this time was different. This time I wake up and I know. I know I made out with Colson in the back of a car. And I know I couldn't blame the alcohol. It was all me.
I opened my eyes a crack and groaned loudly. I turned so I was facing away from the window despite remembering kissing him I couldn't recall how I got back to my hotel room. Did he bring me up? Did he kiss me back?
"What the hell," I screamed into the pillow. What the hell was I doing? What the hell was happening?
There he was treating me like garbage and what was I doing? Running around like some hormonal psychopath kissing him.
He left me. He left me and never told me why. I needed to keep reminding myself that.
I'm jolted out of my thoughts when I hear my phone alarm ringing. Why had I set an alarm for today? I wondered what time it was. Had Ash somehow gotten to my phone and turned an alarm on so I could be up and on schedule? I tried to ignore the incessant beeping for a minute or so before giving in.
I staggered around the room trying to look for the damn thing when I finally found it under a heap of my clothes. I looked down at the blaring phone light- their were three baby emojis under the alarm.
I looked at it in confusion. Was it some baby's birthday? I didn't think I knew any babies- not ones I cared about anyway.
Out of nowhere it hit me. It was supposed to be today. I would've been giving birth today- that's what the doctor had told me.
Why had I saved the date? Why had I done this? I remembered coming home from the clinic on the cab I'd taken out my phone and set the alarm for nine months later so I could remember, so I could mourn.
I sank to the floor- feeling hollow. Imagining how amazing it would've been. I wouldn't have been alone anymore- I'd have a purpose. A child. None of this would've really mattered.
But instead here I was- alone, I deserved this. All the pain I feel. I deserved it. If only I had known- if only I'd payed attention, I could've taken better care of it. Of him or her.
I sat there in front of the beeping phone until it finally gave up beeping but I didn't get up. I couldn't get up. In my head I was back there in the doctor's office almost nine months ago. Him telling me I'd been pregnant. It wasn't just a heavy period. It was a miscarriage. The word sounded so strange to me- a miscarriage. I had miscarried. He said it wasn't just because I had been starving myself, it wasn't that simple but I hadn't really believed him. I knew he was trying to make me feel better, less guilty. But I was, I was guilty. I was responsible for killing my child- our child. Colson's child.
