HOPE

Chapter 28

My hands start to shake but I stay calm and read on with the letter. 

This letter is dated exactly 2 weeks ago. The Friday we first hung out, the Friday we first made love. This might be what he was doing when I came back after having dinner at my dad's. The thought that he knew he was going to leave in 2 weeks and still made me get closer to him angers me. Also the fact that he kept it hidden from me for this long. 

This is an acceptance letter from the Big C Supermarket in New York. He has to go to work there from Thursday next week. 

I keep the letter on the pile and take the registration letter. I'm dreading seeing this but I can't stop myself. My hands are shaking and I can feel myself losing control. 

This letter is actually a photocopy. It's dated yesterday. Did he already resign from Green Globe? 

My vision gets blurred and everything feels so heavy but I don't move. I can't move. Maybe it isn't true. Maybe this isn't what he is going to do. Hopefully this isn't real. 

I didn't hear Seth walking in. "Hey, baby? Why are you standing?" 

I turn around, still holding the registration letter to look at Seth. He doesn't notice the letter.

"Honey, I don't think you are okay. You are white as sheet and shaking as well." He started coming to my but he look down at my hands stop mid track, noticing the letter I'm holding. 

All color drain from his face and he doesn't move either. 

"H- Hope.... Let me- Please... give it to me." He holds his hands out but I don't move. "Why did you go through my things?" He sounded tired all of a sudden. 

Honestly even I regret seeing this. But I don't know if I'd even know before he had to leave. 

"When were you going to tell me?" That's what hurt the most. The fact that he didn't tell, that he is moving across the country and didn't even care to let me know. This explain why he covered his working papers whenever I came in for the last two weeks. 

"I couldn't tell you. I couldn't make up my mind to tell you." He walks towards the bad, more like drag his body and sits down heavily. I can feel tears rolling down my face. 

"You were going to leave anyway." I whisper. "You can leave but you can't tell me?"

He puts his head in his hands and just stay there like that. 

"A few months ago," He starts. "Before you came to work, my sister whose in New York,  told me about the vacancy. The job's good, closer to my sister's place, pay's good so I said okay and sent them an application. I've lost hope cause an answer didn't come for so long but-"

He takes a deep breath before continuing. "2 weeks ago, that came." 

"I didn't want to leave you hope. But I've made plans to go there even before you came. I've always wanted to go to New York. I made preparations even if I didn't get the job." He explains hurriedly. He is looking at me with small tears running down his face. 

Seeing him cry, hearing everything, it's just too much. 

"When do you have to leave?" I ask. 

"In 2 days." He whispers.

I shake my head. I can't believe this! He is going to leave in two days and I didn't even know about that? "Why didn't you tell me?" 

He looks up at me, exasperatedly. "Maybe because I'm terrified of losing you!"

We stare at each other, not saying anything. If he is going to leave me, then I won't stop him from going. 

I turn around to keep the letter back on the pile and take my phone from the charger. I went over to my bag and put my stuff in. 

He doesn't say anything but I can feel his eyes on me as I move around the room, fishing my stuff and stuffing them into the bag. 

When I'm done, I stand up straight and go over to him with new found strength. I don't even know where I got that from. 

I stand right in front of him with only a few feets between us. 

"You should go." I say. I know he was going to go anyway before I found out but still, I have to show him that he can still go. 

"What?" He asks looking up at me. He's not sure. Neither am I, actually. 

I don't want him to leave. I don't want anything to change between us. I like the way things were. But I don't want him to stay with his heart being somewhere else. It hurts to know that I became just another person he used to know in just a span of 2 minutes. 

I don't want him to regret giving up his job for me. I can't make him do that. I don't deserve it and I can't bear the thought that one day, he might hate me for it. 

So many people has left me over the years. But I never thought I would watch Seth leave me as well. I guess I just have to make peace with the idea that at least he is leaving for a better life than this. 

I can't believe I'm saying this. 

"It's a good job. Don't let me stand in the way of that." My heart starts to ache and with that my left ring finger. 

"I will only be a distraction to you." He doesn't move or say anything as he stare down at the ground. 

His silence only makes my heart ache even more. But I don't think I can bear to hear his voice right now. I won't be able to leave here, if I heard his voice. But maybe if I could hear him say my name just one last time.....

No. I can't do that to myself. I can't hear him say my name and then walk away from here, from him. I can't bear the pain. 

"If you ever come back to Seattle, call me." My voice breaks as tears roll down my cheek. I can't break down yet. Not yet. 

"I'll see myself out." I whisper. 

I take the bag from the floor and slung it over my shoulder. I turn towards the door to leave but at the least minute, turn around and walk over to Seth. 

He is just staring down at the ground so I get a hold of his chin and make him look up at me. 

One last moment of weakness.

"I love you, no matter what." I give a kiss on his forehead. 

Gathering all of my broken pieces in my arms, I get out of that room, out of that apartment and out of his life. 

Out in the streets, I can't even walk a few steps before I fall down on my knees as a fit of sobs attack me. I'm crying, in the middle of the sidewalk. I'm crying all my tears out. I'm crying and I don't even care if everyone sees me. 

If I had known that last night was the only night I get to hold him while I sleep, that it was the only night I could melt in his hug, I wouldn't have ever let him go. If I'd known it was the last time we kissed, I wouldn't have stopped it. 

I'd never leave him if I knew how hard this was going to be. 

It feels like my heart is breaking into millions of pieces. Like someone is stabbing me repeatedly into my heart. I can't stop the pain, I can't endure the pain as well. It's all just too much to handle. Too much pain. 

I never knew this could hurt this bad. I've never knows pain like this before, ever in my life. 

I don't want to feel this pain anymore, ever again.

And yet again, I ran away from home knowing I lost everything, all over again.