Daylight (Kaylor)

3.

Flashback 3 months ago

Karlie and I soon became best buddies. We were inseparable ever since that day she stood up for me. She never made fun of me in a mean way and I was so grateful for that.

She was always interested in my music and wanted to listen every single thing I wrote. I loved the look in her eyes, how they would glisten sincerely while she was listening to me sing. She always tells me how precious I am and how proud of me she is.

She loves coding and is a complete geek despite her model like looks. She really should be a model. Sometimes she will walk dowm the hallway of her house pretending to be on a runway and I would be sitting and clapping like a crazy person.

But even tho we goofed around we also talked about deep stuff. She was so tall and skinny but she would never admit that her vegan diet was not all about protecting the planet.

Until one day...

I poured my heart out to her. How my father left us when I was 12 , how he was physically and mentally abusing me for years until we finally stopped communicating. That whole thing affected my mental health...I had no father figure, no friends...nothing to be happy about. I only had my mom but I was always too protective of her and didn't want her to worry about me. I made walls around me and buried myself deep into my dark mind.
I picked up a lot of bad coping systems.
Dark mind really does crush dreams.

After a long talk she opened up to me. She indeed was starving herself. That was her coping system (mine too but not so extreme). She had troubles at her last school...I can't believe how could someone not love this literal sunshine. She is so kind and giving, not to mention extremely gorgeous. Just why would someone do that to her. Why would she do that to herself??

She asked me the same question.

Neither of us knew the answer.

We were just like that.

Broken.

She never told anyone any of my secrets and I never told any of hers. Not even to my mom.

It was almost Halloween...we were happy in our way. Trying to mend by helping each other.

That Halloween we dressed up like giraffe and koala...Kar was a giraffe and I was a koala. We had our own Halloween party alone in my room. Distanced from the world.

"Tay?" She whispered while we were watching Halloweentown.

"Hm" I just mumbled.

"Can we talk??" She said and I stopped the movie.

"Of course miss giraffe" I said trying to make her laugh but she just smiled a tired smile. Alarms in my paranoid brain went off.

"Do you think we will ever get better?? Will we ever find our place in the world and stop slowly killing ourselves. Will our minds ever shut up with bad ideas. Will we ever love ourselves?"

This brought me on the verge of tears. I am broken, but how could someone break the sunshine. How could they. This world. I hate it so much, we were truly misplaced. We did not belong here. Maybe I did. But she certainly didn't.

I caught a tear rolling down her cheek. Looking at her sunk face and bags under her eyes that matched mine...I felt a lump in my throat but I couldn't cry now. I have to give her hope.

"Hey buddy, dont cry...I can't promise you that this all will go away but what I can promise you is that I will always be by your side. No matter what. Even if you hate me I'll still love you. I know it's hard for you to speak about your feelings and I'm proud of you."

We sat there in silence, hugging each other for dear life. I felt her slow heartbeat under her ribs and the sting of fresh cuts on my wrists.

"I'll love you even if you don't love yourself...I'll try to help you love yourself and see yourself the way I do" I told her quietly.

She just sniffed and said
"Same goes for you...forever and always buddy"