Daylight (Kaylor)

4.

Next week at school was a disaster. Kar and I were always keeping our distance from everyone and everything there but people somehow managed to blame us for anything just because we were outcasts.

We weren't even taking the physics class yet we got in trouble. Ema and Antea were the schools mean girls. They were like Kirstee and Kaysee from bratz. Tweevils.

We were standing in a secluded corner and Kar went to bathroom. My anxiety jumped up immediately so I turned the music in my headphones as loud as I could and tried to imagine I was somewhere else. Next thing I knew those girls were in my face. I started shaking and turned off the music out of politeness.

"You are such a tattletale, are you so desperate for attention that you need to ruin other people's lives" the dumber one said to me. I just froze and mumbled "I didn't do anything"

At that moment Karlie came and she was immediately by my side. So they attacked her too. They accused us of tattletaling them to their physics teacher. They forged their exams and the professor figured it out. Although they had to put the blame on someone so they attacked us. I was so dumb I showed em my phone as a proof I had no pictures nor anything. Still they told everyone that Kar and me we're the meanest bitches and attention seekers.

I wanted to leave school and go home at that exact moment. But my conscience wouldn't let me do that. I never skipped school. I just looked at the floor and started crying as soon as the tweevils left us alone. Karlie was really uncomfortable but angry too.

"I wanna go" I whispered...she just took my hand and started walking fast towards the exit of the building. "Where are we going??" I asked her and she just answered "out of this hell hole". Suddenly I didn't feel like I was doing something bad, skipping school nor anything. Everything felt good when I was with my buddy.

I couldn't help but think why?? Why were people like this. Why do they have to make others miserable so they could feel good. I don't wanna be considered a human if thats what humans do. Human kind is the most dangerous on this planet. Yes sure we were broken and that was always in us, but people around us certainly didn't help. Some don't want to, some don't know how to. We only have each other...and maybe we will find more black sheep one day. Although I wouldn't mind if it was just us against the world. But then again...we're not strong enough. Yet.

We went to the park and sat down in the grass. Comfortable silence engulfing us. I didn't want to say anything. I'm usually pretty quiet but with Karlie I'm talking all the time. I'm scared I'll get too much for her too. I'm scared she will leave like everyone else even tho she told me she wouldn't. Still I'm scared.

I could tell she was over those girls attacking us by the way her eyes focused on a small flower in the grass. Looking at that flower reminded me of us. In the whole ocean of grass, one little flower stood alone.

It's funny how sometimes I can feel we're thinking avout the same things. Like we share a brain or something. I know people say "if you like a flower you pick it up, but if you love a flower you water it". This little flower was alone. And no one should feel alone. I guess Karlie thought the same because a moment later she picked that little flower up and gave it to me.

"Reminds me of you" she said. "Now its not alone anymore" she added with a small smile. I hugged her and I swear I could feel her weakness, sadness, emptiness, everything I felt too. We were so lost. So tired. And no one could help us. Unless we helped ourselves...and I thought, maybe there is hope, because we have each other.

We went home after couple of hours. She had to go to her house and I had to go to mine. Goodbyes are always hard but for us its always a 'see you later' or so I hoped every time we went separate ways.

When I came home I didn't wanna share todays events with my mom. I always tell her everything but I just didn't wanna think about that anymore. I just told her I wasn't feeling well and Karlie left with me to get some fresh air.

Walking into my room I felt safe. But also scared because my demons were the loudest here. I loved my den, but too many bad thoughts swirled around here. In and out of my mind. I always let it happen. I just don't wanna fight anymore...it's hard, especially when I'm alone in my room. The walls I built around myself were keeping me safe in my own world but they also locked my demons up inside with me.

Nothing special happened after the events at school. I taped the flower buddy gave me into my journal. I felt the demons coming and no one could save me from them.

Self harm was my way of coping...it was like drawing to me. I know I will hurt the people who care about me...but do they?? If they did they wouldn't scold me and leave me every time I hurt myself because they were hurt. I know that must be hard on them but still it's so selfish of them...of me too. I don't know. I don't know whats right, what's wrong, which of the voices in my head is mine??
One cut,two,three...and so it goes...

I'm sorry.