Daylight (Kaylor)

Christmas eve (10.)

Karlie and I continued to share a bed although we would separate in the morning before rounds. We didn't want to risk being reassigned to separate rooms. I started having this weird feeling every time I held her hand. Good but weird feeling I've never felt before. Every time she kissed my cheek I'd blush and she'd tease me...almost flirtatious I think. We were closer than ever...maybe it's because we only had each other...maybe its because we were here and trying to heal. The more I thought about it my confusion grew.

We were really close since day one. But I'm starting to think I don't want her like a best friend only. I want her. All of her. My mind was too damaged to process all of those thoughts but I couldn't help it. It was like sweet anxiety. I can't quite describe it. She is my buddy, my best friend. But are we acting like just best friends?? It was bugging me but I couldn't tell anyone until I figured it out. I know I love her. But I can't put her in a category because she is everywhere. She is my sister, my buddy, my person...hell I think I want her as my lover too. I can't help but stare every time she changes clothes. I can't stop looking at her gorgeous glistening ocean green eyes that sometimes turn blue in the morning light. The sound of her breathing is like my lullaby in the night. And everytime she touches me it's like I touched the sun, burning comfortable feeling stains my skin.
Seeing her look out the window longingly admiring the outside makes me want her to look at me like that, like I'm her favorite view. My heart already aches...what if she doesn't feel the same. I wouldn't blame her though. Who could ever stay with me.

She suddenly turned around and gave me that loving look and I swear my heart melted right there at that moment. I came closer and sat with her. She was looking out of the window and I was looking at her.

"Like what you see??" She suddenly said with a small grin. I panicked and I know she caught me staring and my cheeks were suddenly burning. "The yard I mean??"she added. The yard was covered in snow. Soft white snowflakes were slowly falling and the Christmas lights were glistening as the day slowly faded away. What a perfect Christmas eve I thought. "It's perfect" I answered. I didn't mean just the snow covered yard. I meant her...she is perfect. Looking at the snow covered yard I started thinking about my time here. Am I better then before?? Well I'd say yes but for all the wrong reasons. Here we're protected, put in a comfortable bubble we can't get out of and no one can come in. No school, no mean people at school, no bullying...I'm okay here, but I won't be okay outside. My therapist says that my stay here is like a vacation from life until I'm strong enough to face it again. But what if I'll never be. That scares me. And Karlie is okay here, at least she tells me so.

This morning the whole ward put a Christmas tree up together. And we decorated it...mostly Karlie and I did. She picked me off the ground so easily and I put an angel at the top of the tree. Like it was just us two. I could see sweet dreamy future but then reality hits me. I could daydream for the rest of my life.

"Let's go lay under the Christmas tree Tay" Karlie suddenly said.

"Lets go" I grabbed her hand and started to run. "No running" was yelled at us a couple of times but we were like little kids. I hope that never changes.

"It's so beautiful" I gushed, looking up at the Christmas tree and stealing glances at Karlie.

"It really is" she looked at me while saying those words. I blushed and the Christmas lights turned red as on cue.

We put a pillow under our heads for comfort and remained with our heads under the tree. The colors of light changing. It was just like that episode of greys when Meredith, Izzie and George lay under their Christmas tree. Meredith's monologue would suite this moment. But I got something better...

After a while Karlie reached for my hand...and we stayed like that. Usually we shouldn't be here this late but it was Christmas eve and most of the patients went home for Christmas so us who stayed had a privilege to look at the tree in the living room for as long as we wanted.

"My mom still hasn't come to see me" Karlie said still looking up, a slight frown on her face.

"She'll come, don't worry...she got scared for you. Hell, maybe and probably she's even blaming herself for not seeing how sick you were."

"I know...I know I messed up, but I miss her, I miss my mom so much and I feel like she gave up on me, I know it's hard...having a mentally sick child, but she's not helping me, I just feel abandoned."

"Don't say that Kar, you have me, and your mom loves you so much and you know that...this is just a hard time for all of us...remember my mom told us your mom will be homeschooling us next year...I'm sure she thinks about you all the time, maybe she's just not ready yet. I know thats not okay because you need her but give her a little more time." A lone tear rolled down her cheek and I felt my heart ache. I squeezed her hand three times like she would do when I got anxious.

"You're probably right Tay, I'll try not to think about family too much...at least we have each other." Karlie said and turned her head towards me...like she could feel my eyes on her. Like she had some superpower. She did tho...its not humanly possible to be so smart and gorgeous and kind and funny and just...her.

"I'm always here you know that" I whispered to her as we were so close to each other.

"Girls 10 minutes until midnight, then you must go to your room" the nurse told us.

"So...it's almost Christmas...what did you wish for??" I asked Karlie.

"I can't tell you, it won't come true then."

"Kar thats for birthday wishes or for I don't know wishes upon a star...tell me pleaseee." I pushed.

"Nooo this is the same, exactly at midnight a star will fall and we'll make our wishes then so it's basically a wish upon a star!...and for a regular wish like stuff you can buy for a person I don't want anything...I really don't..."

"Come on pleaseeee tell me what will you wish for at midnight...and for the general gift wish I don't believe you...but I don't want anything either so I have to let you go on that one."

"But you do have a midnight star wish??"
Karlie asked me dead serious.

"I do" I smiled slightly.

"Tell me yours and maybe I'll tell you mine"

"No way, plus your side is only a maybe, thats not fair." I whined.

"Shh Tay it's a minute to midnight" Karlie shushed my fake whining.

The clock stroke midnight and I closed my eyes and made my wish. ~us, together forever and ever~

Little did I know Karlie made the same wish.