Daylight (Kaylor)

Diary entry (8.)

Dear diary,

I think its been three days since I've got here. I'm still not sure. They put me on a lot of meds so I'm always in and out of consciousness. I like it that way...I think. I miss my mom, she still hasn't come to see me. Nurses say she did while I was alseep but I think they're lying. My dad probably doesn't even know I'm here. Maybe he does but I don't expect him to come. He never does. Even if he came it would just mess up my mind again. I finally kinda managed to shut him out of my brain. Sometimes I even forget he exists. But then I remember. I miss my guitar and my black dog Bono the most. I thought I had nothing to loose. You know? When you're already on the ground how can you go any further? But I'm starting to think it could always be worse. I'm feeling much more better today and they might let me wonder around the ward if I stay stable for the whole day. Again I don't know what time it is. Maybe this is the whole point of my stay here. It doesn't matter what time it is. I have nowhere to go, nowhere to be. I feel like the time has stopped. I could get used to that.

I had a long anxiety attack when I woke up from my induced nap. My heart rate was over the moon high and I couldn't stop thinking and stressing so I was tranquilized again. I'm okay now. I mean I'm able to hold a pen and write kind of okay.

One silly song is in my mind and I don't know why. I keep singing the rhyme song of 50 states. Well there is nothing else to do here anyway. Except writing. I try to pour my feelings on paper to feel better but its hard. I have all sorts of feelings in me but I can't gather them when I grab the pen. It's like everything dissolves in little pieces I can't put back together.

It's so annoying. I'm really trying here but what the fuck?? Also I was thinking. You can't even die for free in this world. If I was sitting on my balcony and it collapsed and I died my mom would have to pay for all the damage that the house suffered and my funeral service. People can't even die without paying shit. That's bizarre.

About my dad...I say I don't miss him but I do. I don't miss the person he is. I miss the person I wish he was. Why does he have to be like that. Why does he hate me. He told me once the reason he can't stand me. He said I was a spitting image of my mother. I understand that I guess...the thing I don't understand is how can you "love" someone for 10 years and then suddenly hate them when they did nothing wrong. My mom loved him. Cared for him. And he was the cheating bastard who left. He should be apologizing to her, to us...yet hes acting like he was the victim. Hes sick. I know he has borderline personality disorder and that I inherited that from him. The only thing that we have in common. Yet I'm here,laying in hospital and he's outside playing stupid games and hurting people.

Life is just that way I guess. Whats sad is that because of the way he treated me and my mom I don't think I could ever trust someone completely. I always need reassurance that the person will stay. Usually I get too much for everyone and I become a liability. Then everyone leaves. I don't blame them. I am a liability. It's better for others if I stayed away from them.

Like my buddy...I haven't seen her since that night she came to wish me a happy birthday. I don't even know how is she. Okay thats a lie. I might have asked the nurse Irene to give me updates on Kar because she means so much to me. I know she's better and out of the ICU. I don't want to ruin her life anymore. I'd rather be alone and hurting then pulling her down with me. She deserves the world.

It will probably kill me...the loneliness. There is a big difference of being alone and being lonely. People often don't get it until they feel it. I don't wish that pain upon anyone.

Love, Taylor