How to act human for Dummies (and angels)

3 Good little soldier

After Dean had fled from the motel room, he had driven around aimlessly, searching for a quiet spot. He had found an empty parking lot next to a forest, gotten out of his car, and was now pacing around like a caged up tiger.

"He kissed me! Castiel kissed me! Kissed. Me! Nonononono, this is not possible! I must be dreaming. Or hallucinating. Or trapped by a djinn. Wait...a Djinn shows you what you desire. Oh god -"

Dean shook his head wildly. He slapped his cheeks with his palms, trying to shake away the thoughts plopping out of his mind.

"He kissed me! He fucking kissed me! On my mouth, what the hell!?"

Dean's breath quickened. So did his heartbeat. He ran his hands through his hair, clutching it tightly.

"Stupid angel watching porn in the middle of the day. And getting a boner! And, most importantly, why the hell did Cas suddenly press his lips on mine!?"

Dean put one finger on his mouth. He thought about the kiss again. Promptly, he felt his cheeks flush and his belly flip over. He came to a sudden halt.

"Oh. My. God. I'm in lo- No, nononono!"

Dean was breathing hard now. He started pacing again, hands tightened into fists, practically running.

"That can't be possible. I'm hetero. 100% straight as a ramp!" That was what he had been taught by his father. The words still rang in his head, told to him a hundred times:

"Be strong! Be brave! Protect your brother!"

Dean snatched a branch from the ground. He stomped to the nearest tree, his breath heaving. He gritted his teeth. Glared at the trunk like it was the devil himself. The grip around his makeshift club tightened.

"Be strong! Be brave! Protect your brother!"

Dean battered at the tree, splinters of wood shooting past him. He had tried, he had tried so hard. He had trained hard, had overcome his fears, buried his true feelings, built up a big massive wall around it. Because showing his true emotions made him vulnerable. Made him weak. And only the strongest survive in this line of work.

A sob juddered the hunter, his vision blurred. Dean thrashed at the tree even harder than before.

And then Cas came into his life. Castiel, the Angel of the Lord, who had gripped him tight and raised him from perdition. Castiel with his black messy hair, his growling voice and piercing blue eyes. Eyes that saw right through Dean's facade. Cas didn't even need a hammer to break his mental wall. And tonight, he had shattered it to pieces faster than the eye of Sauron after the ring's destruction.

The branch finally snapped in half. Powerlessly Dean let it slip out of his hand. He slumped down on a stump of a tree and hid his head in his palms. His shoulders trembled.

"Be strong! Be brave! Protect your brother!"

If his father could see him now, he would surely be disappointed. Tell Dean he was a failure of a hunter. Tell him to 'Stop whining and get a grip! To man the hell up!'

Dean wiped at his eyes furiously. Nobody could know about this. Maybe this feelings would pass. Maybe it had all been a misunderstanding. After all, Cas was an angel. He probably didn't even know what he had done back there. Yes, that had to be it.

'Cause no way in heaven or hell would Dean deserve to be loved by someone like Cas.