broken ➳ destiel

ten

"i'm falling apart right in front of your eyes but you don't even see me." unknown

☁

As soon as John Winchester stepped out of that door, Dean immediately slouched down on the nearest wall and tilted his head back as he grabbed his knees. He felt free. Free like a bird, flying across the night sky. Nobody to dictate where he's going, just soaring and touching the clouds. He felt as if he was a day sky, forming and shining as the darkness came down and he illuminated brightly.

Ah, there's the unrealized similarity once again. They both loved being free. Cas felt free from his everlasting shackles that were attached to him, and Dean felt free from his grievances that were apart of him. 

Every minute that John was there it made Dean feel more stiff and melancholy. It wasn't necessarily sadness that he was feeling, but more around guilt and possibly worry. He felt as if he was walking on eggshells every time he was around him. He nitpicked every detail and insecurity about Dean.

There was one moment where Dean was drinking beer and John yelled at him for not opening the top of the bottle right. It was about a five minute lecture about how to open one and multiple beer bottles were used to demonstrate. The whole time Dean felt like an embarrassed child. Like, a mother going into their child's class and gives them an extra pair of underwear and calling them a weird nickname like 'honey bunchkins' or 'sweetie pie'  in front of their crush. 

He also didn't feel exactly like that, either, but he did feel embarrassed like that situation. Dean was thirty years old and he didn't need somebody to dictate his every move. Sure, there were life lessons he could learn. But, when John told Dean off for a tiny triviality it made Dean upset. There weren't life lessons involved by teaching your son how to open a beer bottle or apparently eat correctly. 

Dean had plenty of insecurities. Insecurities is such a weird word, however. It can range from hand shape to the weight on the scale. There are parts of the body that almost everybody is insecure about. But, most importantly, there were parts of the mind and heart that everybody is insecure about. Dean knew he was unhealthy, and that was the thing he hated about his body. But, he was fit and got exercise by hunting almost every day. 

Dean's mental insecurities were the way that he bottled up his emotions in one quick swig. Just pouring his sadness and anger into a glass and screwing it up tight, until it gets so full that it eventually explodes. Not a very proper way to store things, it is? No. It wasn't. Dean knew that. Dean didn't like being vulnerable and having chick-flick moments every time somebody hurt his feelings or something.

However, he trusted way too easily. He gives everybody his life story from a few days of meeting them. If they were a hunter, he poured everything on them. If they were attractive and they clicked, he gave his whole body to them. He gave himself up to other people with one quick movement. So, when he did have those accidental breakdowns and attacks, he beat himself up for being weak in front of people he trusted. People who thought the man was tough and insecure. But, in all reality, he wasn't. Dean hid behind a facade of his appearance.

Speaking of giving up his body easily... sure, he's had intercourse with probably over a hundred girls. He just recently had one with a girl named Cassie and he immediately regretted it. He felt dirty. But, there was one time where it wasn't a girl.

A man that Dean could never forget, in all honesty. He was the one man who made Dean question his sexuality in the first place. He was about twenty-one when he met him, and there was just something about the boy that Dean latched on to. Eventually, they had sex, and Dean loved it. He topped, too. It was so different yet lustful.