broken ➳ destiel

fifteen

"things change. and friends leave. life doesn't stop for anybody." stephen chbosky 

☁

"I'll give you two options, Castiel." the man, who dubbed himself Balor proposed.

Castiel was absolutely terrorized out of his mind. He didn't know what to do. He felt absolutely helpless and all he wanted to do was fly out of the situation. His shoulder was aching with pain, and bruises starting forming around his face where Balor had compressed his hands up against it. Dean had no idea. Sam had no idea. Charlie had no idea.

Were they even remotely worried that the almost-angel had been in the bathroom for nearly twenty minutes? Castiel thought that they knew, but didn't care enough to save him. They were relieved that Castiel would finally die. Relieved from the weight on their shoulders that he gave them. They were relieved that they could go on hunts without worrying that he would burn the bunker down, or die and his blood would be on their hands. He thought that they wouldn't want that, so they let him die because of somebody else.

He couldn't die. Not right then. He had to be strong, he had to be courageous. He couldn't let some ignorant demon with poisonous eyes kill him. There were so many things about death that Castiel didn't understand, that he didn't want to understand. He didn't want to see what would happen certainly after he breathed his last. There was no way of knowing where he would go. He had tried reading books about it, but they were all in complex Enochian that only archangels could read. He had tried, but his little grace was far too weak. Even as a normal angel, he would be too weak. He had never asked Dean if he knew, because he didn't want him to go into lore and research it and work hard for no reason.

God, Cas wanted to save himself. To prove to the others that he was strong and not vulnerable, he wanted to be a Winchester. He wanted to be powerful like them, fighting off demons and using his powers to save the day.

"One, I can kill you right here in this bathroom, make it look like a suicide. All your precious Winchester friends will be the first to find you, your blood fucking staining the floor and your guts strewn out on the walls."

Castiel thought of all the memories he had with the Winchesters for the past month. First, being welcome into their bunker, their only home. Tasting the pleasantry of food, how fulfilling and delicious it was. The comforting, relaxing warmth of a real bed. Feeling what laughter was supposed to feel like, feeling what smiles were.

"Two, I'll bring you to Lucifer, and he'll torture you worse than any fallen angel had ever felt before."

The memories started to fade as bloodcurdling tears violently fell down his face. He didn't want to lose the memories. Feeling real, and not some flying angel who didn't know humanity. Every experience he felt up until this moment was pure and he loved every second of being real. The near-death experience that gave him rebirth. Rebirth as a human. Rebirth as a whole new person, a whole new entity. He was true, and he didn't want to lose it. He wanted to experience more of what being a human was like. He loved being a human. But his all-time favorite memory was being in love.

"So, what do you say, angel?" 

Being in love with Dean.

"Two. Please, two." Castiel spattered out. He needed to take the chance. He knew Dean would find him and he knew Dean could save him, will save him.

"Brave choice, darling. No broken angel had chosen that." Balor's voice was so petrifying that it made Castiel's blood curl with fear mixed with anger.

His hands were shaking faster than his heart was beating. Castiel couldn't tell what rate his heartbeat was going, but judging by the fact he could feel it thumping out of his chest, he knew he couldn't breathe. His throat was jerked with tears, it brought a stinging numbness to the inside of his throat that ached. He knew this simple pain wouldn't even compare to the tyrannies he would be lashed with later. Everything about the situation would make anybody, everybody terrorized.