broken ➳ destiel

twelve

"nothing always stays the same. you don't stay happy forever. you don't stay sad forever." cat zingano

☁

Dean had been taken aback by the words the ex-angel had just said. Thoughts of fear and panic swerved around his head like a car on a rainy road. He couldn't even fathom the thought of Cas being killed and taken away from him.

"What do you mean?" Dean's lips softly spoke. He was still standing while Cas was sitting on the backboard of the bed. 

"I know too much, and Lucifer, my eldest brother, is trying to kill me so I cannot tell anybody what I've seen." Cas still referred to Lucifer as his brother because when he was banished from heaven, Cas' heart was broken. He loved Lucifer and he couldn't disown him, no matter what he has done.

Rain started trickling and cascading down the side of the bunker. Droplets of rainwater made sounds like little footsteps that were jumping on the roof and singing tunes. Cas looked over, suddenly scared of the rain.

As an angel, Cas would watch the rain fall from the clouds when he was high up on a tree, watching people open up their umbrellas to prevent them from getting wet. He couldn't get wet because he technically wasn't physically there. However, when he did get a vessel, he could feel the moisture of the rain that fell from above. 

When he had his vessel, he could walk down the sidewalk and talk to people. He would pretend he was a real human. He would pretend to enjoy food, he would pretend to enjoy cinemas and movies, he would pretend to be like the people around him. But, his hopes couldn't last for long, because saving people from hell was the only reason he had been given a vessel.

He thought he could do it. He thought he could get his Father's attention by saving so many people from death. He thought he could get rewarded by the angels around him. But, he couldn't save as many people as he wanted to. Only five over the course of two years. His goal was hundreds, but one thing stopped him.

Being a human. 

Being a human had stopped his mission and he let all contact from anybody he spiritually knew go. His grace had opened, leaked out, and disappeared. He had tried so many times to fly away but he couldn't. It was all because of Dean.

Did Cas really want to be human? No, he didn't. Everyday was like slowly suffocating in a coffin that was six feet under. He knew he was going to die, but he couldn't die. All he had to do was suffer until somebody could save him. 

Possibly Lucifer was the one trying to save him. Maybe getting killed was the source to escape the coffin. Instead of escaping and living, he could suffocate and die. But, what happens when angels die? What happens when ex-angels die? 

Where do they go? Do they become a new angel, that doesn't remember anything from their past? Perhaps so. But, Cas didn't have time to think of it. Being a human, he only has a limited source of time to do things. He doesn't have millions of years, he has about thirty. He knew he wasn't going to last thirty, however.

He knew Gabriel couldn't save him this time.

He knew Dean couldn't save him either. Why would he? It's a waste of his own precious time. He knew Dean didn't have long either. To Dean it seemed long, but to Cas it wasn't. He knew he kept repeating his thoughts over and over, changing the meaning, but he needed to make sense of things. As an angel, Cas didn't necessarily have a depth of time. He would watch families grow and fall apart in a matter of his own minutes.

"Okay, well, we need to protect you, alright buddy?" Dean said. Immediately, he started working on painting sigils in Cas' room. He drew with red paint with different symbols that made Cas feel all fuzzy and he felt as if he had deja vu. He remembered studying those sigils and wardings. But, he couldn't quite put his finger on what they meant and what they were called.