Dying to Live

The breakdown

Ava 💛
December 23
10:15 a.m

I'm currently in my closet looking for the dress I bought to where for the concert tonight but for whatever reason I couldn't find it. I was beginning to get agitated about the whole situation so I just stopped.

Hearing my phone ringing, I looked over to see who it could be calling me this damn early. Seeing it was my mom, I hesitated before answering.

Heelloo??

Hi, honey. I'm calling to apologize for my behavior the other day and I also wanted to thank you for the gift you left me.

Cut the crap mom, what do you want? You only call me when you need something.

Well uhm, see I know its the holidays and all... but uhh my audiologist is out sick and I was wondering if you'd come work today??

No. If that's all then bye.

Girl, fuck you. I ask you to do this one little favor and your snobby ass can't do that. It's okay, but don't be surprised when me checks we send stop hitting your account.

"You lucky you my mom, cause I could never disrespect you in such ways. But with all do respect fuck you, and your money."

I then hung up the phone. Stupid ass bitch got me fucked all the way up. I was infuriated, I picked up the book that was on the night stand and threw it into the mirror. "Stupid ass bitch gone get enough for fucking playing with me. I'm fed the hell up with her shit."

Bop came rushing into the room not long after that. She didn't say anything, she knew not to. When I got like this I didn't like to be touched. I didn't want to be talked to, usually.

This time was different. I ran to her and I hugged her, while I broke down crying. I was just crying in her arms and it seems like the tears wouldn't stop.

"Have you been taking your medicine Ave?" She asked

"No, and you know I don't like how they make me feel." I told her

She simply just nodded her head and asked "Are you ok?" Those three words. Those three words, I did not know how to respond to. Am I ok? Honestly I don't know and I don't think I ever will be.

Regardless, I nodded my head yes. After I stepped back and told her I was about to take a nap. After she left, I lied down and let my thoughts take a hold of me. Realizing I wouldn't go to sleep, I walked into the bathroom and did something I hadn't done in a months.

I cut myself. Yes, I self harm. No, I am not suicidal. I cut for the same reasons people smoke weed, do drugs, and drink. I cut to numb the pain. This is how I cope and I don't give a damn if you all judge me.

After doing three cuts on my inner thigh, I cleaned myself and the bathroom up. Exiting the bathroom I went back into the room and let sleep takeover me.

Bop 🖤
1:00 pm

I walked to Avas room to check and see if she was ok. I didn't knock or anything, just walked right in. I noticed she was sleeping so, I walked back out.

Remembering she didn't eat this morning, I walked into the kitchen and prepared her and I a late lunch. I decided to be simple so I cooked cheeseburgers and decided to make some loaded fries. I knew those would cheer her up. Or at-least it used to when we were younger. For the loaded fries, I used ground beef, bacon, cheese, and jalapeños.