Divinity

Chapter 17

"How is she?" Was the first thing I asked, the second Noah returned. He looked tired, the way he was holding himself making it appear as though he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. 

"She'll be alright." He reassured me, though the tension I had been bearing did little to dissipate. "She's just in shock, none of us were expecting that."

"I'm sorry." I told him sincerely, hearing my voice wobble. "He was your brother."

"Yes." He agreed, closing the door behind him so that he could enter the threshold. "But there's nothing we can do now but accept it." 

He must be hurting. It was easier to focus on Jasmine, who had only just begun to profess her love when it had been so harshly ripped away from her. However, Travis had been Noah's best friend for a longer time than I could even fathom. He was family to him. 

Family was something I didn't have very much of - but it was unbearable to think of losing either one of my parents. Staying away from them these past few months had been torture, but it was for their own good. They were big enough targets on their own, they didn't need me making it worse.

Noah neared me slowly, as though uncertain of my response to him being so close. I didn't mind, not really. At least, not until he grew close enough that I could see the true depth of the pain in his eyes. Pain that I had caused. 

He traced his hand, gently, down the side of my face. He needed comfort right now, he needed someone to tell him everything was going to be okay... but how could I do that? How could I possibly look him in the eye and pretend I hadn't done what I had? I watched, as he began to lean in... but how could I let him? There was no way he would want to be with me... the one who was responsible for his brother's death. 

"I have to tell you something." I breathed out quickly. He faltered, and leaned back, confusion etched across his face. 

"What is it?" He asked, frowning. 

Was I really going to tell him? Could I stand to look at him, to see the disappointment that would surely appear, to see him leave, wanting nothing to do with me. 

On the other hand... how could I ever expect him to be honest with me, if I couldn't do the same. 

"It's my fault." 

"Emilia..." He was surprised at my words, that much was clear. "It isn't your fault. You found the sword by mistake, and Travis shouldn't have touched the blade. It is tragic, yes. We all should have been more careful, but it wasn't anybodies fault."

I shook my head. "You don't understand!" But... I hadn't considered before... if I had never gotten the sword in the first place, Travis would still be here. It truly was my fault... not just for altering the sword, but for even being selfish enough to have it in my possession. "Oh... no, you're... you're right. I am the one who found the sword. If I'd never had it... this wouldn't have happened..."

"What do you mean?" Noah frowned, "What were you talking about, if not you having the sword?"

I felt frozen, trapped. There seemed to be an endless list of reasons why Travis' death was my fault. So many decisions, had I chose differently, could have had such a different outcome. 

"Because... because I changed the sword." I admitted, feeling breathless.

"You... what?"

"Andrew was right, it did lose its ability to kill angels. And I gave it back." I spoke quickly, as though I were afraid that if I stopped then I would never be able to admit it again. 

"No... Emilia, that's not possible. How could you have possibly changed the sword?" 

"When Andrew touched the sword, it couldn't kill him because, well, it was holding a piece of me inside of it. My angel side."

"You think the sword is storing it?" He elaborated, confused.

"I know it was." 

"Was?" 

"My friend... you met him, Liam. He helped me translate the writing on the sword..."

"That's impossible." Noah shook his head. "It's a language only God knows."

"Well... Liam reckoned it was a mix of biblical Hebrew and Sanskrit. He translated it for me." I explained, Noah seemed unconvinced. "Half and half, the steel assents. Expulsion and admittance. Recompense, the graze of bruise."

"Did it work?" Noah frowned, concentrating on my words. 

"Did... did what work?" Didn't he need a moment to think about what that meant? Half and half... that clearly related to me. 

"Did the sword give you back your powers?" He asked. 

"I... you know what it means? That fast?"

"It's obvious. the sword must approve of the Nephilim. Your powers were removed, to get them back, you must gain the sword's approval and touch the sword to your wound. I assume that is what you did?" 

"Well... yeah, but... I don't know, we didn't figure it out so fast." It was strange how quickly Noah had understood, but perhaps what sounded like metaphors to us was a familiar form of speech for the angels. 

"Did it work?" He repeated, "You're... you're an angel again? You got it back from the sword?" 

I nodded. "I changed the sword."

"It's not your fault, you didn't know." 

"But I should have known." I shook my head in despair, "I'm such an idiot, how did it not occur to me..?"

"It's not your fault... but... let's go back a second... you're an angel again?" His brow furrowed, seemingly in confusion. 

"I think so."

"You think?" He queried. 

"Well I've not tested it yet but I mean... I feel... like I did, before." 

"Why didn't you tell us?" He asked.

I didn't know how to answer that. "I guess there was just... a lot going on."

"Come on, we should go tell the others." He placed a hand on my arm to tug me towards the door.

Instantly, his touch on my skin sent that familiar wave of energy flooding through my body, and I was filled with strength. Enough to stand my ground. 

"No." I said, firmly. "I'm not going to do that." 

"What? Why not? The sooner they know the sooner we can get you back to Heaven. You'll be safe again." 

I shook my head. "I'm safe anywhere - it's not like they can kill me. The others have enough to worry about without adding me into the mix. So much is changing... I don't want to make it worse." 

"They deserve to know the truth."

"I know. But please, Noah, I'm not ready to tell them yet." It wasn't the only reason I didn't want to tell them. I wasn't ready to face them, to see the way they would look at me when they knew I was responsible for the death of their brother. 

As though sensing what I was thinking, he continued "Emilia, what happened to Travis wasn't your fault. He shouldn't have risked touching the sword, ever. It was reckless of him, but it was his own decision. No one made him do it."

Noah was right, no one made him touch the sword. He made that choice himself. Despite that, I still felt responsible. If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't have ever had to even make that decision. 

I was the one who seemed to cause all problems for the angels. I wasn't supposed to exist, I was a fault in the system, unpredictable, unknowing of the harm I was causing. 

It should have been me.

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