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1.3.20××, 3:33
That timestamp is frightening and I'm scared.
I'm scared that I might lose control of myself.
I don't know why I deal with my emotions by writing them down on these letters and then putting your address on them, please don't think I'm weird for knowing your address.
I just woke up. I went to sleep already at midnight, but I woke up.
I had a really scary nightmare.
In the nightmare, someone, probably an angel - or satan, satan has been an angel too, you know - came down from heaven. Or that's what I assume at least.
The being told me that something is going to happen. I'm further from heaven, further from good than I've ever been.
I've sunk. And I don't know why.
My emotions have been messed up recently. And school is as hard as ever.
I've tried to stay away from alcohol and other things because even though I'm already eighteen, I don't want to drink too much, even though it's legal now.
Mark, well, he hasn't been talking much. Sometimes he texts me, but even then it seems like he's drunk. I'm scared that he'll do something terrible.
Mark has always been a pretty shady person. I mean, he is nice and all, but the poor guy's life revolves around drugs and alcohol. Mark was the one who got me to drink for the first time, we always drank together. But I still haven't tried drugs, even though he has offered them too.
I would want to talk to Mark's big brother about his addiction, but Mark would probably kill me.
I'm losing control. School is going nowhere and I'm afraid of the future. Thinking about it makes me anxious. So, so anxious. I'm sorry if there are wet stains on the paper again, those are my tears.
Ever since I was young, I've been afraid of losing control in life, and I think I've come to that point now. Student loans aren't enough to pay for this apartment either.
I don't know where to go. I'm too afraid to go to Mark. I could go to my little brother, but who would want a pathetic loser like me in their home?
I guess I can still always try.
I have to stop before the whole paper soaks.
Nana, I know you don't care about my shitty life, but I think I've finally lost control. I was unsure of that in the first sentences of this letter. Now I'm certain.
