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18.3.20××, 00:15
I'm writing so early, what is this?
My little brother just went to bed, and I can't fall asleep on his hard couch.
I can stay at his place for a while, the little one still forces me to use all of my free time to look for a new apartment though.
You've started to look illegally good at school again, did you finally get over that girl? I mean, I still haven't gotten over Mark's death. His funeral is next week, I'm scared that I won't be able to attend.
My little brother doesn't want to attend either, he never liked Mark. He knows that Mark was the one who got me to start using alcohol.
I've stayed clear of all that recently, little bro doesn't let me out of his sight. I'm not going to say that it's easy, but I'm trying for ̴̸J̸̴̸̴̸i̸̴̸̴̸s̸̴̸̴̸u̸̴̸̴̸n̸̴̸̴̸g̸̴̸'s sake, I don't want that boy to see me drunk or in any other state.
Maybe I could secretly borrow his clothes. To look a little better at school. I'm still even sleeping in that same old black hoodie. Yeah, there are some eternal coffee stains on it, but it's still good. Tried and true.
Little bro, or as I better like to call him, my new roommate, cleared me a cabinet for storing my clothes. They are in his bedroom, so it's going to suck if my school day starts before his.
I don't even know what the point of these letters is anymore. I write as if you're going to answer me, even though you never will. You don't even know I exist. On the one hand, it's terrible, because one-sided love hurts, and on the other hand, it's good, because you would probably think that I am a massive loser.
If we think that Mark's death and me getting evicted from my apartment because I couldn't pay rent was my life's rock bottom, then am I going up if I got to live here? Maybe I should thank my little brother somehow.
But I don't know how to thank people, except when Mark offered drinks. Maybe I should learn. Maybe I should try to get up from here, from the bottom, and try to get closer to the sky. Even the silence is talking to me nowadays, I'm probably going crazy. Eighteen, life already ruined, could one be doing better? I doubt.
I'm jealous of your life. You have a lot of friends, good grades and probably lovely parents. Everything I don't have. I don't know about your mental health though, but I hope you're doing well. You deserve only good things in your life, Nana. I would give my everything to make you feel good. But you probably don't care about a hoodie that has been used as a cigarette receptacle or the feelings of a broken man.
I don't matter to you. That won't change even if I said hi to you. That won't change, even though you glanced at me at the hall yesterday.
Still, Na Jaemin,
I love you.
I'm trying to change so that I could maybe have a chance with you and a chance with a better life. Maybe Mark's death opened my eyes.
Dear Nana, I wish you everything good.
♡
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// In Finland, it's typical for funerals to be held several weeks, maybe even a month, after the person's death. I thought it would be important to explain this so that you won't be confused with the timeline.
Also, double update because I forgot to update yesterday!
