SPIDER-MAN One Shots

Peter's Last Fight 3

"JESUS CHRIST! YOU REALLY THINK I'M GONNA LET YOU TALK SMACK ABOUT ME?"

Everyone still had their mouths open in shock. May remained on the grass with mascara stained tears down her face. She bit on her lip to keep her from laughing at Peter's acting.

"Oh? OH! To hell? You think I don't know that you can't do that sh*t? Huh? I'm not an idiot, don't threaten me with that b*tch ass bullsh*t!"

Ned abruptly turned out the lights. Peter scoffed, secretly pleased that things were unfolding as expected.

"F*ck you too!" Peter looked up at the sky and exclaimed.

He faced the group and flashed a warm grin.

"Hey..."

In little time at all, everyone was yelling and talking over one another. Pepper took the lead and ordered everyone to be quiet.

"Thanks, Mrs. Pep!"

Pepper nodded and gestured for him to go on. Steve looked at him in horror.

"Son, what in God's name are you doing here?"

"Jesus said I was the drama. So he said he's going to–" Peter choked on a sob and began to 'hyperventilate'.

"I–I don't know what to do. I'm a good person, right, guys?"

Tony snapped out of his state of shock. "Yes, you're a good person yada yada. What does that have to do with anything? You've taken physical form–I'm seeing a ghost right now–is anyone else seeing this–is it just me?" Tony looked around, clearly not processing the last two minutes.

"I am here because Jesus has sent me back to Earth in order to obtain testimonials attesting to my good character. Otherwise I will- I will be sent to Hell."

Natasha scoffed, unfazed.

"What the fuck did you even do, Parker?" She asked, smirking.

"Your mom."

Tony rolled his eyes. "There it is. Did you make your mom jokes to Jesus Christ, Peter?"

"Mr. Stark why are you trying to antagonize me so much?? Do I mean nothing to you?" Peter wailed.

"Even while dead you call me 'Mr. Stark'," Tony sighed. "No, kid, I just think you should be able to rest in peace you little shit. After all you've been through–"

"Stop this! This is getting us nowhere." Pepper exclaimed. "Peter, what did you do that was so bad!?"

Peter looked down and scratched the back of his neck in embarrassment.

"Jesus' dog... Mrs. Snufflewiggles... I lost her." Peter admitted.

"Where? In the damn clouds?" Rhodey cried, throwing his hands up.

"It can't be that bad, son." Steve said in all his righteousness. "You're a good kid, we'll help you."

"Well, I have never heard of this Jesus fellow, but I will speak to him about his rash behavior." A loud voice bellowed.

"Thor, please. It's Jesus."

"Well, I think Jesus is right, losing His dog is an inexcusable crime."

"Guys it's worse." Peter cut in while flailing his arms.

A chorus of Why's!? and How's?! spread throughout the entire funeral procession.

"Spit it out, Peter, please."

"What's worse than me losing Jesus' dog?" Peter thought out loud.

He ripped his white robe off, while MJ and Ned walked out with the smoke machines and lights display.

"The freakin' Avengers being this stupid. I mean how did you guys get this far? Really?"

Silence. Absolute silence. Every single person held a different emotion on their face.

Suddenly, a spout of pure, unadultered, howling laughter resounded, echoing in everyone's ear. A serious of heads whipped towards the source of it. It being May, rolling around on the grass while clutching her stomach. Peter, Ned, and MJ looked at each other and joined in.

Five minutes of hysteria later, they settled down and took notice of the scene before them.

Tony with a hand over his face, scowling at Steve.

Both Rhodey and Clint's jaws hitting the ground in shock.

Steve shuffling his feet and averting his eyes away from Tony.

Natasha attempting to stifle a chuckle, her smile betraying her.

Bruce in utter disbelief.

Thor, laughing up a storm, pretending he knows what's going on.

As Peter prepared to continue, a single, slow clap echoed through the gathering.

An all-black suit-clad man with his hair gelled back walked to the center, maintaining his slow clapping rhythm.

"A near-perfect execution, child." He taunted with a Cheshire Cat grin on his face.

"Loki!?"

---

And that's it y'all. Wow, how long has it been? Idk what possessed me to just pop back in and write this but while AO3 was down I finally opened this godforsaken app. Trust me, I love good old Watty but my addiction was quite severe. I think it was the bright colors and flashy buttons that got me hooked.

Anyways, I was looking at old comments and saw a lot of them asking for a part three to Peter's Last Fight. Lemme be honest with y'all, I genuinely forgot what I even wrote for this. I had to sit for 10 minutes and reread the last two parts and somehow come up with this. I definitely made quite a few mistakes. And, I don't mean to toot my own horn, but... MAN WAS I FUNNY. The last two parts of this series got me clutching my stomach and shaking on the sofa. I confused the hell out of my mother.

Lowkey chugged this last part out like it was finals week, so hopefully it was up to par. Fun fact, I actually wrote the first three "paragraphs" a year or two ago. Can you tell the difference in writing? Please say yes, I need a win.

Also, 500 FREAKING THOUSAND VIEWS. I cannot believe something I started writing in 9th grade got this many damn views. I'm in genuine shock. Almost went into cardiac arrest, I swear. It was a nice surprise to open as a freshman in college now. Ahh, how the time flies. Hope these past few years have fared well for you guys too!

Love ya! <3

P.S. PLEASE comment some ideas for one shots!