The thing was, it became harder to say goodbye. Every time I watched Zayn disappear in the forest from my jeep, I could feel myself grow sombre, and I hated myself for it. Couldn’t stand being dependent on other people for my happiness. And even though it was probably a bad idea to get involved with Zayn, I kept going back, kept wanting more. But I stopped questioning it eventually, because if it made me happy, and if it felt right – I’d give myself this one thing.
We had been researching for weeks now, nearly a month. Not just research, though. I took Zayn over to my place so he could take a shower; I made him try new sweets that he hadn’t heard of yet; watched some films with him that made his eyes nearly pop out of his skull, and there were still many things we had to do. In between all the seriousness, we managed to have a tiny bit of fun, and saying goodbye was always the worst part of my day. So I made it my mission to make them as good as possible.
Today felt like a good day to start.
I had rolled to a stop at the forest edge, wheels sliding easily in the now deep imprints in the ground. Just shows how many times I had actually been in this exact same spot. Before Zayn had a chance to turn towards me to say his usual goodbyes, I got out of the jeep and walked over to his side, opening his door. He raised his eyebrows, giving me a questioning look.
‘’Thought I’d walk with you today,’’ I said calmly, shrugging to make it look more casual. In reality, I was kind of unsure of what I was doing, but we were friends now, and this was what friends did, right? Or at least I hoped we were. Zayn just smiled, but that was just how he was: showing things rather than actually saying something.
We walked in silence, the late afternoon sun peeking through the leaves while the last few birds sang their songs. There wasn’t really a path, but there were certain bits easier to navigate. Sometimes they were quite narrow, so our arms occasionally brushed together, making my stomach do somersaults. It was hard to believe how such a light touch could drive me crazier than when we were nearly pressed together on the couch. But then again, it was probably because it was just that – a light touch. The frustrating part was that there was never a promise of more. I was so close, but at the same time, not close enough. And if there seemed to be a certain tension in the air, he didn’t give anything away.
‘’So tomorrow… How about we just do something fun? No research,’’ Zayn quietly suggested, pushing a branch out of his way. We had reached the meadow, the sun casting a glow around Zayn that made my breath hitch. Moments like these made me question how far I was in, and if I would ever get out in one piece. I walked up to him, joining him at the edge.
‘’I’d like that,’’ I murmured, my eyes meeting Zayn’s. Right then, I could feel it. Some kind of connection, a pull that required all my willpower to stop myself from tunnelling into him, into his arms. But then he looked away and started walking towards the mansion. I caught up with him a moment later, stomach sinking already as we got closer to his front door.
‘’So, I’ll see you tomorrow, Harry,’’ he started, stopping in front of his door. This time it was my turn to remain silent, smiling weakly. I just didn’t know what to say, and suddenly my shoes were very interesting. A low chuckle caused me to look up, seeing Zayn’s eyes twinkle with amusement. And then it felt like something shifted – a change in the atmosphere. Zayn’s eyes softened, and before I knew it, his arms were wrapped around me, his head resting on my shoulder. I wasted no time in reciprocating, having to stop myself from inhaling his scent deeply, settling on hugging him tightly. Then, I felt hot breath against my ear.
‘’Don’t be late,’’ he whispered, the side of his face pressed against mine and his slight stubble scratching me as he pulled away. He went inside without looking back, leaving me standing there momentarily paralysed. It took me a few seconds to realise what happened, my lips turning up into a wide smile. I couldn’t exactly decipher what that was, but it felt like more.
***
Things were a bit rocky between my father and I. Even though we were sat close together on the couch, it felt like we were divided by a chasm. Keeping him in the dark put a strain on our relationship, but it was for his own safety. If only he knew.
‘’How are you doing, son?’’ he asked casually, turning towards me. He had tried this before: start off with light conversation before eventually diving into a discussion about my behaviour.
‘’Better,’’ I said. Telling him I was fine wouldn’t be credible, so I opted for the next best thing. He hummed, letting his fingers tap a rhythm on his leg. It was already late, my eyes itching with sleep.
‘’Well, alright,’’ he sighed before resuming his old position. I was slightly shocked from his reaction, but mostly from how easily he seemed to have given up. He was my father, it was in his nature to keep questioning, to make sure he wasn’t kept in the dark. So either my lies were too convincing, or he was starting to give up. I didn’t want him to give up.
‘’I’m off to bed, son. Night,’’ he grumbled, squeezing my shoulder when he walked past me on his way out of the living room. The thud of his bedroom door felt final, and seemed to copy the thud my stomach made. It felt like there was a big hole inside me, but the harder I tried to fill it, the more I pushed everyone away. Well, not everyone. Just my dad. He was all I had left. Whatever was going on with Zayn, I had to fix it quickly. Before it was too late.
***
Once again I found myself at the edge of the forest, lost in thought. It was funny how it seemed to represent my life at the moment: at the edge of things. Trying to balance the few things I had left in my life, every moment filled with near dread because I could feel the scales tipping, could feel things getting out of hand. Whatever I did, I didn’t know to which side I was adding.
One of the things that scared me most was that I could feel it changing. I could feel the shift in things happening, like ground disappearing from underneath your feet. But you couldn’t feel which way it went, couldn’t hope to stop it from happening, to keep it from getting worse. I wished I could change how empty my house felt, even with my father there. That bond of sharing a home, being a family had vanished, suddenly feeling like you’re living with a stranger. And now the only place I felt I belonged was with Zayn, because it was much easier to start from scratch than to rebuild the ruins. But maybe the relationship between my father and I had always been a ruin, only the recent happenings bringing that to light. My mum had been the foundation and ever since her death, things had crumbled. Slowly at first, but now all at once.
I finally managed to scramble out of my jeep, and with every step that I took towards Zayn, I felt the fog in my mind lifting. If it was too late to fix things with my dad, I would try my best not to disappoint Zayn as well. Because that was the problem, wasn’t it? I had let down my father too much, in so many different ways. I had fallen down hard after what happened, sinking under the weight of my own actions. And I had taken him down with me.
Oh, Harry.. poor boy needs a break, don't you think? The next chapter will be posted on Sunday! Who can guess what's going to happen? :)
Much love xxx <3
