All paths reached their destination. That was something you couldn’t avoid, not by wishing and not by putting things off. And when the day had finally come, when you’re tying up your shoelaces for maybe the last time, that was when the inevitable hit you. There would be a time before and after, there would be time regardless of the things you did. It did not slow down or pause for you, it simply kept going. Step after step, you got closer to your goal. Blink once, you were in your car. Blink twice, you were parked at the forest edge with the last rays of sunlight being filtered by the trees.
There had been a routine, something I had gotten used to over the time. Wait for my dad to leave for work, then go to Zayn. The remainder of the day would be spent doing research, but sometimes we had meaningful talks and we shared food over whatever thoughts were swarming in our heads. I learned a lot about him in a very short amount of time, and in return I had told him more about me than I ever had. More than my friends knew.
Their presence was still something I dearly missed, a dull ache that slowly kept throbbing until eventually, years into the future, it might hurt less. But I wasn’t alone, and that helped. Even if we never spoke of it, I knew that loss was something that tied Zayn and I together. Solving this would ease both our minds.
Finding a way to solve it hadn’t been easy. We had to be extremely careful, look for information in every nook and cranny, any source we could get our hands on. Weighing different options while we completely dismissed others. Until four days ago we had been surprised with something that gave us hope. But even if the signs were pointed in the right direction, I was afraid.
I was so afraid.
As I got out of my jeep, I was met with warm summer air smelling of fresh leaves and wood. It was exactly how Zayn smelled, and as my thoughts drifted off to him, I started to feel nauseous. Dizzying and painful. The kind that burned through your insides and made your heart pound while your hands grew damp and your legs felt like lead. But I breathed in deeply and marched on. Kept moving, like the first time I escaped, the first time I went back and now for what felt like the final time. One more time I walked past the trees, felt the branches brush against me and heard the birds sing their songs. The path I became so familiar with, something I followed without thinking. Another thing to miss. The bag that held the box of chalk and the book bumped against my leg, a steady rhythm that matched my pace.
There were many different ways I envisioned this day, but none of them were this simple. It was strangely ordinary. Me waiting for my dad to leave, the drive to the forest and then how the mansion loomed up as I finished the small climb. The sun was already low in the sky, threatening to set. My dad’s shift started a bit later this time and Zayn told me we both needed some extra rest. But no amount of rest could prepare me for this.
As I passed through the flowery meadow, I suddenly felt like stopping. The urge to drop down and pull out the flowers, anything to get rid of their scent. The scent that now reminded me of death and loss and the closed caskets and-
Breathe. I just had to breathe.
The door opened while I was halfway across the field, like Zayn could sense my approach. He never greeted me like this, always waited patiently. But as he slowly walked towards me I had to admit it felt right. It mostly felt right that at least something indicated today was different. At least it didn’t feel like the universe refused to acknowledge it anymore, like something had been set right. We embraced each other in silence, and when we parted the sun had sunk a little lower.
