I tried not to think about what my life had become, but the thought struck me when I was reading another book and found human skin listed in the ingredients. This wasn’t the way I usually spent my summer, nor would you ever find me reading books like this. It was very surreal, to say the least. And there was no way to prepare for change like this – it just happened and you let it happen until you no longer questioned it. When things no longer surprised you, that was when you realised you had changed. There used to be a time when even the mention of other certain ingredients would cause me to turn away gagging, but yet I didn’t seem all that disturbed. I had seen worse, and it pained me to admit it.
The library was now a familiar place for the both of us. With a stack of books on the table and our legs touching under it, I actually didn’t mind doing research. At least I was doing something, trying to take control of things. The false sense of security was enough to keep the underlying fear dormant. There was a time and place for that, but not here.
I took a deep breath, the smell of old books heavy in the air. What was funny was how we seem to associate smells with places, and feelings. Like how cinnamon reminded me of winter and baking with my mother, how flowers made me sad, and Zayn smelled like home. Precisely when I noticed that, I didn’t know. I didn’t even know home could be a person, much less be anything else than the place you grew up in. It almost made me feel bad and it would, if only I didn’t know that my dad stopped feeling at home as soon as my mum passed. Maybe it’s just the connection between two people and the familiarity of it, something you can feel miles away in your sleep.
Some nights I dreamt of Zayn, of his warm eyes and his smile. Other nights his eyes would flash red, like my subconscious was reminding me of the danger. Shining bright like a red light, it was telling me to stop. For what, I didn’t know. There was nothing my subconscious could know that I didn’t.
‘’Harry, look at this,’’ Zayn’s voice sounded, from far away at first, until I finally resurfaced to find him shoving a book in front of me. The pages were yellowing and it wasn’t even the original, thick black letters burning into my eyes. I quickly scanned over the required ingredients, finding that this didn’t sound bad. It would be difficult to acquire everything, but at least it didn’t involve anything illegal. The ritual itself was meant for cleansing, a way to rid yourself of bad energy – which could include many things. Of course it had to be done during a full moon, because of certain things being at their peak and whatnot.
‘’When’s the full moon?’’ I asked, lifting part of the book so I could see the name of the writer. Crowley, it spelled, making my stomach flutter nervously. Was this a sign?
‘’It’s in four days. This Friday,’’ he answered, taking the book from my hands to read the instructions again. I hummed, not sure whether I should be happy or scared that it was so soon already. It gave us just enough time to prepare.
‘’There’s a problem, though.’’ Zayn sounded hesitant, his hand touching the page as if he was trying to move around the letters so that they could say what he wanted them to. There was always a problem, but that was how things worked. You replaced a problem with a less inconvenient problem, something that was easier to live with. I raised my eyebrows questioningly, waiting while he seemed to look for words.
‘’The ritual – it has to happen when I’m turned,’’ he whispered, like it would soften the blow. I knew what that meant, what could happen. It didn’t matter, though. I just wanted it to be over, wanted to put this behind me and move on to the next chapter, whatever that would entail.
‘’I made it just fine last time, didn’t I? And that time I wasn’t even prepared,’’ I remarked, feeling sure of myself. For a moment, it genuinely felt like things were going to be alright, like I could make things happen my way by sheer force of will.
‘’Okay, but if there’s even the smallest indication it didn’t work: run. Please run,’’ he pleaded. The way he looked at me made me feel as if he was telling me to run now. To leave him for dead and save myself. I chose to ignore it.
‘’Friday,’’ I promised. And even if it felt like I should add something, say something more, I didn’t know what.
***
That night when I was on the sofa watching TV with my dad, it almost felt like one of those nights my mother’s death hung like a cloud over our heads. A heavy, pressing feeling of sadness. It almost felt like it, but not quite the same. There was an uneasy pressure in my stomach that had nothing to do with how I stuffed myself earlier, almost as if it was my last meal. My mind was still replaying the earlier conversation I had with Zayn, right at his front door.
*flashback*
‘’I’ll take care of all the ingredients. You’ve done enough,’’ Zayn said, his hand hovering over the doorknob. If there was something hidden in his words, I couldn’t find it. So I just nodded, strangely feeling like this was goodbye even if I would see him soon. Tomorrow, actually. If there was anything I still wanted to do or say, it would have to be within the next three to four days. Maybe I should write my dad a letter, just in case.
‘’What am I supposed to do, then?’’ I needed to be busy, couldn’t stand not helping.
‘’You’re already risking your life, I can’t ask more of you. Please don’t make me ask for more,’’ he whispered. More, there was that word that had been skipping through my head like a rock over water. Occasionally it would touch the surface, like Zayn would touch my skin. Brief, but with shocking impact. More. Only now it seemed funny how those two things coincided.
‘’It’s ok, you won’t have to.’’
*end flashback*
For a moment I wondered what kind of genre my life would fit into if it was a film. Or maybe it couldn’t be classified as one, maybe it would be one of those short films they made. Short but powerful, made to leave a lasting impression despite its length. They speed it up, double the amount of things happening and usually, the end is very much like the beginning. Or the other way around, actually.
Because every beginning is an end.
Things are speeding up and there are only 3 chapters left! I hope you're enjoying it so far? Let me know :). Next chapter on Monday!
Hope you have a lovely weekend xxx <3
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