This Is Not a Tragedy

25 | 100 Fangs

Saturday, October 27, 2007

When evening arrives, Sergius makes two cups of tea and sits me down at the kitchen table. It's a change of setting from our usual exchanges in his office, and I wonder why but don't question it.

He sits across from me, cup in his hands, and elbows on the tabletop. "What did you think of the reading?"

I'm not sure what kind of answer he's expecting. "It was informative."

"Did your opinion of anything change? Is there anything you want to ask?"

I look down at the table. "I'm not sure. And no."

Sergius nods. "So... Do you still want to leave?"

Lifting my gaze, I confidently reply, "Yeah."

He silently stares off to the side for several seconds. "Why?"

I swallow, thinking of how to word my feelings. "It was informative. But, there's still a lot about myself I don't know. What kind of life I should live. Who I am. I want to leave... so I can learn about the world on my own. Learn who I am. What I want." With the life I was given, and all the sacrifices and secrets and stepping on others that went into it... For my mother. With this life I was given, I should do my best to make it worthwhile. To do that, I have to find myself. I look up to see Sergius gazing back at me with glistening eyes, and I shrink back. "Why the hell are you crying?"

"No," he says, then presses the backs of his hands to his sockets for a moment. "I should genuinely apologize. What's done is done. But I swear to not hide any more from you―unless it's for your safety."

Ha. That caveat.

He takes a deep breath and pulls back his shoulders. "So, you want to leave. You aren't yet in a position to support yourself financially. You never graduated high school, so finding a job that'll support you will be very difficult. As such, if you left, I'd be financially supporting you from afar. But I honestly don't think you're ready to be out on your own yet."

My eyes narrow in response. "What do you mean? I've been on my own for the past... seven years?" I reply bitterly.

Sergius winces momentarily before relaxing his expression and raising two fingers. "I'll give you two requirements." He puts one finger down. "The first: promise to start your A levels next Autumn."

"A levels?"

"They're tests that require you to go to school as preparation."

"I'm not going," I refuse immediately. School is a prison I've only just escaped; I'm not going back.

He gives a resigned frown as if he expected my response. "A-levels isn't like high school. You can study just subjects you have an interest in. English Literature, perhaps?"

That doesn't sound horrible, but school means people and people mean―Wait. It's different now. I don't have restrictions on my social interactions. I don't have to push people away while at the same time, be polite in order not to stand out more. And here, people are less likely to be interested in me. My looks alone don't stand out like they did in Japan. I'm apparently not the English girls' type. I have gotten remarks that I have good looks, but I don't have to fear anyone pursuing me because of it. I'll just be "that Asian guy." What are teenagers here like, though? I doubt they're all like Nina. I typically interact with adults.

This isn't something I can make a decision on right now. "I'll... think about it," I reluctantly tell Sergius.

He smiles. "That's all I need for now." His other finger goes up. "The second requirement is to do some work for the IVA."