This Is Not a Tragedy

36 | Treachery

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

As soon as Hitori wakes from sleep, I leave for work, honestly somewhat glad to get away. The night was long, and I realize that I'm a couple of days overdue for sleep. The tiredness weighs down my body and brain. It makes it that much more difficult to reason, which is why I avoid spending the morning with Hitori. It's also why my negotiation takes longer than usual.

"Are you alright?" Kyo asks after having to take over our final negotiation.

"Yeah. I'm fine."

We load into the van.

Ian sighs heavily. "Glad to be done!" He turns to me, his place in the vehicle now where Amelia's used to be. Her seat has moved to back for obvious reasons. "After the debriefing, we're going to go drinking. You're coming, right, Natsu? You promised."

I glance out of the window, still afraid to go back to the hotel where Hitori is waiting. I'm so scared, but I can't leave him by himself just because I'm weak. I don't want to hurt him physically, but I also don't want to hurt him emotionally.

"The legal drinking age is 20 here," I say in monotone. "I'm only 19."

"There's always a way around that," Ian says.

"I need to catch up on sleep."

"Natsu," Kyo's voice calls from the driver's seat. Then, for the first time since our meeting, he speaks Japanese. "Are you still suffering from yesterday?"

He must think it's the Code Black that has me so zombified. I hesitate before replying, "I'm fine. Tomorrow morning I go home."

Kyo gives me an 'If you say so, but I'm still suspicious' glance. I don't blame him.

After the debriefing, they drop me off at the hotel. "Take care," Kyo tells me in Japanese. Interestingly, the phrase can also be translated to 'Be careful.'

They pull off, and then I head inside. Finally reaching the door to my room, I take a deep, restrained breath before turning the handle. Hitori's scent is dull, and I'm glad for it.

I step around the corner and quickly realize why his scent is dull and why I haven't heard "お帰り" yet.

He's gone.

His bag, his sketchbook... all are gone.

In a state of numb shock, I walk around the room, revisiting every inch his feet saw. And as miserable as I was fighting my impulses, there's a hollowness I only recall feeling each time my mother would be hospitalized.

Something on the bed catches my eye. I snatch it up, quickly recognizing Hitori's scrawl on his thick sketchbook paper.

Natsu-senpai,

I'm sorry for leaving without saying goodbye properly. But I think it would have been too hard to say goodbye in person.

I'm leaving first. But it's okay. I've become strong, especially after seeing Natsu-senpai again. Senpai doesn't have to take care of me or worry about me. I'm going to make it on my own and become a real adult. And I will eat my vegetables and meat and grow tall.

Thank you for being my first friend, my first love, and my only hero.

From Hitori

It takes a second read for my numbness to fade and a mix of emotions to hit me all at once. First friend? First love? Only hero?

If I'm all those things, why did you leave? My jaw clenches paired with a heaviness in my chest. He's gone. Slipped through my fingers again. But what would I have done? I'm a danger to him. And even if I wasn't, I had no thought out plans. Was I supposed to kidnap him and take him back to the UK? Was I supposed to turn my back on Sergius and struggle to stay in Japan?