The Listening

no. 20: not just friends

What do you think of me?

Me and my constant back and forth,
leading you on and pulling back, over and over.

Do you resent me?
I would.
I would probably hate me.

But you see me and you smile, 
and it crinkles your eyes,
and you brush your hair behind your ear
as you look away.

You still laugh at my jokes,
and stare when you think I won't notice.

And your car smells like mine now,
and you know that my hands are cold
just like I know that you're always cold,
like I know you hate sitting in the sand.

Like I know that you're bad at some things
like handling your emotions,
or coping healthily.
Like how you know that I'm bad at it too.

Like I know you have room to grow,
like how I have room to grow.

Like how I know that I like you,
like I know how you like me,
you like me a lot and it hurts me
because nothing can ever happen,
but I've hurt you more with my back and forth.

Nothing can ever happen,
so I'm left with the knowledge
of the smile in your eyes
and your dislike of sand
and your love of morning runs.

And our moments will be left
in your car that smells like mine
in that iHop between classes
at the beach with my guitar,

and nothing will ever happen
because you have a man,
and I have a woman
who I love very dearly
and it would kill me to lose her,

but it still hurts
because I enjoy you,
I enjoy being around you
even if it's just friends,
but we can't just be friends.