Hold Me Close (Sequel To Take Me Home and Keep Me Safe)

Chapter Eighteen

Niall sat on the bathroom floor with his back against the outside of the tub. His knees were pulled into his chest with his elbows looped around them, eyes staring straight ahead at the wall opposite him, glazed over as if they were looking right through. Into nothingness.

His phone was on the floor beside him, screen upright. He wasn't paying any attention to it, he was too caught up in his own thoughts.

He didn't feel much. It was weird; it seemed as if he had always constantly felt everything, dialled up to eleven. His feelings and emotions about every single thing had always been so strong, to the point where he couldn't ignore them - and that hadn't necessarily been a good thing, considering the amount of negative feelings he was often lumbered with.

But now? Nothing. It was as if a switch had been flipped.

He had tried to speak to his Dad earlier that morning. Papa was at work and he missed having him around because the man always made time to check in with him...and he had finally plucked up the courage to go to Liam and tell him he wasn't feeling quite right, but he had been on the phone and told Niall he couldn't talk right then.

And that had only made him feel like even more of a burden than he already did, so he had started to head back to his room, only Louis was in there so he changed his mind and came to the bathroom instead.

His brother hadn't spoken to him yet. He kept looking like he wanted to say something, but he never did and it left Niall feeling like he had done something wrong again. Maybe it was still about the crash. He wasn't sure, he just knew he had messed up a lot of things and he didn't really blame Louis for being mad at him. Hating him, even.

Now he felt all empty and the voices in his head were surprisingly silent. It was almost unsettling, because he'd grown so familiar with their presence. Still, it didn't take long for his own mind to fill the gaps they left behind.

You're so pathetic, get up and do something. Be normal, he thought to himself, gulping when he still didn't feel a thing.

He raised one hand to pinch harshly at the crook of his left elbow, twisting a little so it would sting more. "Be normal," he hissed in a whisper, glaring down at his hand as he pinched.

He let out a small sigh, flipping his hand over and pushing up his sleeve so that his bare wrist was exposed. He ran his index finger along the most visible vein gently, then did it against with more pressure, glaring at the skin still.

Then there was a knock at the door and he jumped, heart hammering momentarily as he heard his Dad's voice ring out.

"Ni, Cal's here," he called, and Niall suppressed a sigh. He had forgotten; it was a Saturday morning, he always had a session with Calum now. It wasn't a Quiet day either, he was able to speak...he just didn't want to. He knew that he wouldn't be able to skip out. He had no excuse to give.

He cleared his throat and stood up to unlock the door, pulling it open to see his father still speaking into his phone in the hallway. The man forced a tight smile at him as he stepped out of the bathroom, covering the microphone and whispering, "in the living room," before going back to his work call without another word.

Niall stared at his Dad's back for a moment before his shoulders slumped and he headed down the stairs without even looking into his bedroom where Louis presumably still was.

In the living room, Cal was sitting on a cushion on the floor on one side of the coffee table. Cooper was curled up on the armchair, and he lifted his head with spiked ears and a wagging tail when he saw Niall enter the room
Niall just walked straight past him and sat on the cushion opposite Cal at the table that had been set down for him.