Hold Me Close (Sequel To Take Me Home and Keep Me Safe)

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Christmas day came around, and it all felt different that year.

Niall wasn't sure it could feel much worse than the previous year - when the things that happened with Richard were still so recent and raw.

Only now...he felt as if he were to blame.

Like the eyes on him in the living room weren't judging him as the victim, but the perpetrator. He was the one who took a blade to his wrists, he was the one he chose to do that to himself.

He was to blame.
He was to blame and he wanted to scream and cry and lock himself in his room alone because the gazes of his grandparents were so heavy on his shoulders and the skin beneath his long sleeves burned and itched and he couldn't breathe, he couldn't breathe -

"Come on," a soft voice said, one careful hand hovering just behind his back and steering him out of the room with the Christmas tree and the music and the conversation.

With a blink, he realised that his Nana was in the midst of a deep conversation with his Dad and Papa, Gramps attempting to put together a skateboard that Louis had received as a gift for when his leg healed properly.

He swallowed thickly, glancing up at his big brother as the older boy smiled gently at him and lead him into the kitchen, away from the sounds and people.

He let out small sigh as soon as they reached the quieter room, eyes landing on Louis, who was sitting on the counter and mixing ingredients in a bowl.

Harry finally rested a hand in his shoulder and gave it a firm squeeze, one that didn't result in a flinch.

"You okay?" he asked softly, and Niall gave a mute nod without making eye contact with his older brother. "Overwhelmed?"

Niall sucks in a small breath then, nodding once more. "Yeah," he murmurs, voice catching in his throat a little.

Louis glanced up from the counter and offered Niall a smile. The two of them had been closer lately, and Niall was glad of it. They were the twins, and that was how it had been since they had been together - they looked out for one another and in all of that time before his attempt with the constant bickering and arguments, he had never felt so alone.

Now, with both of him brothers by his side, he didn't feel the same way. He felt a little better, a little stronger, a little more sure that he was meant to be alive.

"Hey Ni. We're making chocolate cake, 'cause Pops was meant to pick up pudding for today, last week, but he forgot," he explained, still stirring vigorously in a way that had Harry stepping forward to take the bowl away from the younger boy.

"Yeah, and we don't really want scrambled eggs in the mixture Lou," he said lightly, causing Louis to roll his eyes and hop off the counter.

He crossed the room to lean across the opposite countertop beside Niall, who subconsciously stepped a little closer to his brother.

He wasn't judged here. His family loved him and he knew deep down that they didn't blame him for anything that had happened, even the things he had done to himself.

But I blame me.
He couldn't rid his mind of that one remaining thought as much as he wanted to.

Harry went back to adding more to the mixture, and Louis glanced across at the smaller boy, nudging him with his elbow.

"Dad said you wanted to come back to school the term after this one," he murmured, and Niall gave a silent nod.

He didn't want to miss anymore time off of school, he was falling behind majorly and it reminded him of being seven years old all over again, unable to even write anything other than his own name. Obviously he hadn't fallen back that far, but it had been playing on his mind. He never wanted to be that stupid kid again.