Good omens || One shots

Ophidiophobia

Calm yourself, love

Third POV

It was a warm Sunday. In fact, more then warm, it was sweltering-  and Crowley was loving it, he basked in the heat, ate countless ice-lollies and lounged on his best friends sofa.

Aziraphale, however, was hating it. Now, as an angel, there's not much he could hate, but this weather just crossed a line for him. I mean, he had a Crowley stuck to his sofa all day, dripping sugary lollies onto it, and he hated the sickly-sweet smell of them too. Also, his clothes weren't made for this sort of weather, he wore lots of layers, thick layers at that. His coat was all sweaty and gross by the end of the day! However, worst of all was the animals. Supposedly, all angels were meant to love all creatures and view them as Gods achievements and stuff, but never, ever, had Aziraphale managed to like wasps and flies. I mean, they just flew around and irritated people! Sure they had their own place in the ecosystem but couldn't God have picked something a little (a lot) less annoying. They just buzzed around, getting in your face and on your food. Wasps just went around stinging people for the sake of it! Aziraphale thought it was outrageous. But all he could do was pull it together and bear through the day until the weather cooled. 

"Aziraphale!" Crowley called from the sofa, "It's too hot." he whinged.

"Really?" the angel responded sarcastically, "I was under the impression it was rather cool."

He could sense his friends eye roll from where he was standing. 

"I can't cope like this-" he heard his friend mutter before a strange crack rang out. 

"Crowley?" he questioned, but to no response. It was silent, "Anthony Crowley? What was that?" he attempted again. However, once more there was no response. Exasperated, Aziraphale popped his head around the corner only to see a great, big, black and red-

"SNAKE!" he yelled as he hopped onto the nearest table, "WHY IS THERE A SNAKE ON MY SOFA?". As though it could understand him, the reptile in question looked up at him, eyes strangely familiar, "ANTHONY J CROWLEY!" he shouted out -desperately- to wherever his demonic pal could be. Alongside various other reptiles, Aziraphale was petrified of snakes. With their evil, yellow eyes and their weird scales and how they can kill things with such ease. They were positively foul, in Aziraphales eyes, and now there is one, on his sofa, in his bookshop. 

Aziraphale scanned the room for his friend, Crowley was nowhere to be seen (or so he thought) sighing, Aziraphale looked back at the where the snake had been, however, all he found was an empty space. This, if course, sent a wave of panic shooting down the angels spine. A snake, roaming around in his living space - preposterous. 

'This.. is an outrage. This is your home and you can rid it of foul beings yourself.' Aziraphale thought determinedly to himself. He would defeat the snake, he would make it known that those things were completely and utterly unwelcome in his house. 

The angel hopped down from the table cautiously, looking around the floor with the deepest suspicion. Just as he was about to leave the room and search some more, the reptile slithered from underneath the table (right through Aziraphale's legs!) and turned to face him. The snake looked almost... smug- which was impossible, of course, it was a snake. But Aziraphale felt strangely allianced with the creature- like they were friends.

"W-what?" he sighed frustratedly, "Can you go away, please? I don't- I can't kill you it's completely against my morals!" 

He clambered past the snake and sank onto his sofa, strategically avoiding the sugary bits of melted ice lolly. He closed his eyes just for a second and then- crack - Aziraphale shot upright, snapping open his eyes. What was that? He looked around and sitting there, was Crowley. Relief flew through him in waves,

"Crowley! Where did you go? There was this snake in here! Goodness it was horrifying, it was all black and red and it's eyes were so- snakey. I don't think I've ever been so terrified in my own bookshop-"

"I'm making an effort not to be offended here, Angel." Crowley drawled.

Aziraphale paused, "Don't tell me-"

"Oh yes."

"That snake was you, Crowley!? Oh, oh of course it was," he groaned, "I'm sorry my dear, I wouldn't have- I mean I might've but really oughtn't have said- oh I don't know. I apologise."#

"Calm yourself, love, I'm not going to be angry, but why are you so afraid of snakes?"

Aziraphale let out a breath, "Well they're just so... so unpredictable I guess. They don't blink, they don't have expressions and they just go around and kill other things with such ease, it scares me. They're small, and when they are not, they can coil around themselves or camouflage or even hide under something so you never know where they are. It's just so terrifying to think how easily you can be killed, or, inconveniently discorperated in our case."

"I suppose that's logical, but I promise you this, angel. I will never, ever, hurt you or kill you any way. I mean, what would I do without you."

"Oh, thank you Crowley. You're the best."

"Of course I am."

-

Word count: 886

-

Sorry, I know this is bad. It's been sitting in my drafts forever so I just quickly finished it off because I haven't posted in at least a month and you all deserve something lmao. About the 'Don't Go' thing, I do plan to finish it I just don't exactly know where it's going or how to write it (if you have any suggestions feel free to comment or message me- preferably message or the others might get spoilers lol) anyway, thanks to everyone who reads these stories, it super cool how much support it gets ✌ anyways, I'm just waffling now, thanks and goodbye! 👌