ᴘɪᴄᴛᴜʀᴇsǫᴜᴇ. | ᴊɪᴋᴏᴏᴋ ✔️

39 | from memories of you, i found myself

He wants to leave.

He doesn't want to spend another second in the hospital, but in his current state there's not much Jeongguk can do to refute the doctors' orders.

And that's the worst part. Knowing he has no other option but to stay in bed until further notice, that is to say, whenever they deem it safe for him to be discharged.

He needs it to be now. He'll use a wheelchair, crawl if it's necessary, anything. The boy just feels suffocated in this hospital room now.

Now that he remembers.

Not everything at first, but enough.

Enough to know that the Jimin from his dreams is real. While the memories may not be, there's some connection to reality and Jeongguk knows it, he feels it in the depths of his aching heart.

It's still such a mess. Everything in his head, bits and pieces of whatever had been going through his mind while he was unconscious, all clashing, blending together. Bits and pieces. It's depressing, but he's not sure any of it actually happened.

Again, only connections. Perhaps reflections of reality, only twisted and altered before projecting itself to Jeongguk in a way that, at the time, felt so vivid and convincing.

Home-schooled. Only because of Taehyung mentioning it does Jeongguk begin to recall. Starting senior year, he never set foot in the school building he once attended along with Taehyung, and Yoongi, he remembers Yoongi, although with some questions present as to how close they were compared to how Jeongguk knows he is with Taehyung.

Hallucinations. A severe inability to focus in school, falling behind, making a fool of himself and driving his peers to believe something was worryingly wrong with him. Jeongguk starts to remember that, as well. His lack of popularity. His reputation around the school for his schizophrenic symptoms that made it an issue for him to function the way he used to in everyday situations.

In the end he remembers it being his own choice. Approaching his mother, asking to be withdrawn because he saw himself as a hazard on top of being physically and mentally unable to function in the school environment.

But it wasn't always that way. Once, Jeongguk remembers he used to blend in along with everyone else to the point where he managed to make some new friends aside from Taehyung, who he has thankfully known his whole life.

That's where some of those bits and pieces of false senior year memories came from, Jeongguk gathers. Driving himself and Taehyung to school, walking through the halls to their different classes, getting books from his locker, the normal, everyday schedule that never used to be such a struggle.

It clicks in Jeongguk's head.

He remembers vaguely from his dream, driving home one night and catching sight of someone suspicious watching him.

While the place he had been driving from may not have been the same as it was in reality, the aftereffects of that sighting were.

It kept him on edge. Turned the boy paranoid, quickly spiraling him into developing irrational beliefs and robbing Jeongguk of that casual lifestyle he once enjoyed. He stopped wanting to leave the house, instead choosing to haul himself up in his room most hours of the day, with the exception of sharing meals and occasional talks with his family. He could still manage that. And he was still a positive person. Jeongguk remembers that, too. He could still smile and interact with his family and Taehyung. He didn't completely seclude himself.

There was just this barrier of understanding that they couldn't reach with Jeongguk - naturally, because none of them suffered from symptoms of schizophrenia. And of course Jeongguk never wished that upon them.