Shaq's Day Out: Shadow of Torment

Waking up to the damned day

Shadow's edgy alarm clock rang with its damn chips as always. "Why are we still here? Just to suffer?" sulked Shadow. He got out of his bed and poked his knee on one of it's damn four sharp edges. "It's OK. The pain is nothing compared to how much I've suffered.." said Shadow, hopping in the shower to obliterate the stink lines radiating off his edgy forehead.

After Shadow had finished genocide all the germs on his forehead and foreskin, he walked outside and witnessed Bus Mufasa speed away at super sonic speed just to flex. "DAMN it all to HELL!" yelled Shadow. "I think i'll head inside and take out my frustration on some Lego Bionicles game for the Nintendo GameCube." said Shadow. He sat down and began playing the game which actually did take some of the stress away.

After 20 minutes, Shadow realized he had some spare coconut creme lodged in his ear drums from that Shower he had just taken, and had the Lego Bionicles game volume set to 'Ear Scrotching,' so he couldn't hear his when his pop-tarts were ready, thus causing them to burn, which made the fire alarm go off, thus alerting the fire department who couldn't get inside because Shadow liked to barricade the door with his collection of Monster energy drinks. "Tartar sauce." said Shadow, putting some sauce on the pop-tarts, as the magnitude of the situation didn't bother him.

Just then, his copy of the Lego Bionicles game exploded for no reason thus destroying everything he owned. Shadow quickly sorted through the barney rubble that was his house a few seconds ago, and found a small cliche locket in the shape of a heart. He shed a single tear as he opened it and saw a picture of expired hamburger meat. "What?" said Shadow. "Sorry about that neighbor, I believe that's mine." said Hugh Neutron, swiping the locket. He then found a slightly crispy picture frame with a picture of Maria inside. "Maria..." said Shadow, taking a bit out of the crispy chiccy tendy. "I give this a 100% on the chef-o-meter." Thought Shadow. "I wonder what the real thing would've tasted like.." he continued.

Suddenly the entire fire department showed up. "Shadow the Hedgehog? I've come to make an announcement." said Lenny. "Lenny? You're the entire fire department?" said Shadow. "Well duh, who else is really good at spraying moisture everywhere. I'm just so hot that they had to straight up make me the fire department." said Lenny. "Haha good one Lennster." said Oscar Carl, walking by. "HOLY SHIT! FIRE!" yelled Lenny, spraying a high pressured hose which launched him all the way to school.

"Well uh, you're a little late. My house already slow cooked and I have been taking bites out of it." said Shadow. "The true reason i'm here is because Mr. Cracker sent me to get you, and the TRUER reason i'm here was to see if there's any hot singles in-" "Not interested." said Shadow. "Shit." said Lenny, tossing a ball stretcher into a dumpster. "See you in class, Eye brow wiggle." said Lenny, while eyebrow wiggling. "See you there, Lenny." said Eye brow wiggle.

A strange man then walked over to the pile of rubble and sat down, causing Shadow to stand up. "What's the deal with you?" asked Shadow. "Oh wait, this isn't my pile of rubble." said the guy. "Get out." said Shadow. "Easy my spiky black friend." said the guy. "Oh fuck are you from the IRS? I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE-" said Shadow. "What? No. My name's Nolan, local faggot, junior at Cringe High. I couldn't help but over hear your edgy cliche back story about some girl?" said Nolan. "Maria?" said Shadow. "Yes! Mario! You know, with today's technological advances, one could bring her back, for a small fee indeed." said Nolan.

"wHAT?!" said Shadow, grabbing Nolan by the neck. "Don't screw with my you little weasel." said Shadow, nearly choking him to death. "I-IT'S TRUE! MONEY BACK GUARANTEED! I'll just need you to sign here, here, and here, and i'll need 3 kidney stones for now, but most importantly..." said Nolan, as Shadow slowly dropped him down the stairs which were still intact. "I need you to do me a favor... I need you to assemble a team for a basketball game that's happening in a few days. Just do that, and Mariachi is as good as yours." said Nolan. "You seem pretty sketchy, but as an old friend of mine once said; "WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG!" in the most obnoxious sounding way possible, it was fucking awful." Shadow stated. "GREAT! Gimmee a ring when it's done. Cya." said Nolan speeding away on his gay vespa.

"Well then, maybe I AM going to school today." said Shadow. "Oh, Hi Shadow! I heard you're not skipping today? I think that's great! And did you hear that in Pokemon Go I caught a Five Star Shiny Weedle!?" said Toby. "Toby. Make sure you come to school today, it'd be a shame if you stayed home." said Shadow, who obviously had a gun on his back. "I wouldn't miss a day of school if I had Ligma!" said Toby. "Wait that joke hasn't been invented yet, it's 2016." said Shadow.

Shadow then began speed boosting to school when he noticed a very muscular and shirtless man at the entrance. "Hey, you. Yeah you, the one with no shirt. Wanna join my new club?" said Shadow. "WHAT?" said Terry, as he didn't hear due to the fact that he was looking for dirt particles to waterboard in the depths of his armpits. "You should join my new basketball team, we have business cards." said Shadow, handing him one. "Oh that's great-" started Terry, before noticing Shadow had an AR-15 on his back. Terry opened his mouth and made a sentry sound effect before his muscles morphed into one and started attacking Shadow in order to protect the school.

"*Anime grunting noise* This guy's so good looking and smelling... If I get him on the team, I can get anyone!" Thought Shadow. "CHAOS CONTROL!" said Shadow, using the pointy ends of the Chaos Emeralds to try and give Terry a small boo boo. "BLOCK!" said Terry. "That's it. The gloves are coming off." said Shadow. "Oh god please don't show me your gross ass furry hanny pannys i'll just join your team jeez." said Terry. "Well that's one down." said Shadow, as s victory jingle played. "I don't really hate basketball anyways. Oh, if you're looking for other recruits, i'd ask that one kid, Shaquille. I hear he's really into it. Or was it Croquet? I don't remember." said Terry.

Shadow then made a face similar to that of someone who had just been hit by a submarine. "What's wrong, my furry companion." said Terry. "I hate furries. Also can you turn down your chesticles? Your lotion or whatever you use is blinding me. "SURE THING SHADOC." said Terry, twisting his nipples in circles until his chest wasn't as bright. "Alright, let's receed into Casa De Chadow." said Shadow, as he and Terry ran back to his house.