Shaq's Day Out: Shadow of Torment

Insert Edgy Pun

This is the story of one man's kidnapping.

Kretmi's internal alarm clock rang with it's heavy chips as always. "Where the fuck am I, how did I get here?" asked Kretmi. "I already know why i'm a bald like caillou, and it's because of that bootleg Advil I bought for my back from the Philippines." Thought Kretmi. "GOOD MORNING KRUSTY KREW!" yelled Sheen. "Who are you?" asked Kretmi. "Part of the team I guess, just as you are." said Sheen. "Shit." said Kretmi, taking some Kretamine to ease the pain. "Don't touch anything while i'm gone or you'll get demoted to being the guy that cleans Sheen's pee off my shower. "MAN IT WOULD SUCK TO BE THAT GUY." said Sheen. Shadow then cloaked and scooted over to school again.

"Alright where is this Dutchy bloke." said Shadow, walking into school. "HEY! HEY YOU!" said a tiny dog. "Piss off." said Shadow. "I can tell you where you need to look, If you can find me this guy." said Scrappy Doo, holding up a poorly drawn picture in MS Pain t. "Is that supposed to be Mii King?" asked Shadow. "Look, I worked with what the public school systems gave me, now where is he?" asked Scrappy. "It's no business of mine, but I saw him flying towards City with a Name earlier. Where's Dutchy Flyman?" asked Shadow. "I think he's in gime class right now, pleasure doing business with you." said Scrappy, who was becoming noticeably buff.

The two walked their separate ways, and Shadow entered gime. "I have been to several Olympic games and I still hate gime." said Shadow. "DODGE THIS, FURRY!" yelled Jock Jockington, hurling a ball at Shadow. Shadow did as he was told and spot-dodge. He then pulled out his gun and shot Jock in the toe. "ZOOWEEMAMA THAT HURT OW!" said Jock. Man in a Kermit the Frog Suit caught a ball with his tongue which dislocated it, because Jorgan threw it at 9000 MPH. "3, 2, 1. EUGH!" said Vincent the Canon Cannon, firing several dodge balls at everyone. Shadow got down and deflated every ball by shooting them. He then shoved a pumpkin into Vincent the Canon Cannon, stunting his airflow massively.

"DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE TO GET INJURED BEFORE I FIND DUTCHY?" said Shadow. Claus then shot himself in the head. "Dutchy's in the locker room, you drama queef." said Harrybo. Shadow then ski'ed in and found Dutchy in an especially smelly corner of the room with Chris. "you like ponies, I LIKE PONIES!" said Dutchy. "I LOVE PONIES!" said Chris, ripping off his shirt to express his devotion to loving ponies. "Dutchy Flyman." said Shadow. "Can't you see i'm busy here?" said Dutchy. " This is more important." said Shadow. "Is it about tying knots? If knot, then it's certainly not more important." said Dutchy. Shadow then grabbed a vacuum cleaner and succed Dutchy to a more private corner.

"What's the big idea?! I was gonna shove that guy in Davy Jones' locker until I learned he liked ponies. This better be important, or i'm shoving you in there." said Dutchy. "You are joining this basketball team so I can bring back... Maria..." said Shadow. "Hate to break it to you, but if bringing people back to life was an option, do you think i'd still be a ghost? The answer is yes because being a ghost is awesome but that's besides the point." said Dutchy. "SHUT UP! JOIN US OR PERISH!" said Shadow. "Eh, sure why not. "AH, SO YOU HAVE CHOSEN- Wait you're serious?" asked Shadow. "Yeah, I love basketball!" said Dutchy. "Oh, cool." said Shadow. 

"...well I guess we can go back to my humble abode now." said Shadow. "WAIT! Can I bring my new buddy?" asked Dutchy. "Who, that chiseled looking guy over there? I don't see why not." said Shadow. "Swanky." said Chris, as Shadow skeleported them all back to the castle. "SHADOW YOU'RE BLACK!" said Sheen and Carl. "For the 400th time, SHUT UP." said Shadow. "Okay Mr. Edgy Wedgie Hedgie McMuffin." said Carl. "Nice place you got here." said Dutchy. "Can I hang up some pony posters?" asked Chris. "No." said Shadow. "So who is this Maria broad anyways?" asked Terry. "It's not important to someone like you." said Shadow. "Yeah, you're not a fellow edgelord like the Shadster and I." said Kretmi, using PK Fire to light his vape, causing it to explode in his face. 

"OOH OOH STORY TIME!" said Dutchy. "YEAH TELL US SHADOW!" said Sheen. "I wouldn't be very edgy If I told you everything immediately would I?" said Shadow. Everyone then booed Shadow. "Why you booing me, i'm right?" said Shadow. "If we guess it will you tell us?" asked Carl. "QUARTZ PARCHMENT SHEERS FOR IF YOU TELL US THE STORY COME ON!" said Kretmi. Shadow shot an expensive vase to silence the room. "You could cut the edge in this room with a knife." said the Rock. "Alright that's it, NEXT CHAPTER PLEASE!" said Shadow.