Tourmates

okay...hi

so uhhh hi. its been a minute. my mental health isnt exactly the best right now. i actually got a private message from someone asking if i was okay and i appreciate you asking. im doing better now. i kid you not, after me and the other guy broke up i was taking a break from dating. then i met my (ex) boyfriend. i thought i was in love. a few weeks into the relationship i began to get abused. he would assault me verbally and physically. i thought if i told someone that i would be the one to get in trouble because he always made it feel like it was my fault.  i was in love. i wanted to think that it was going to stop and it never did. 

we were on and off for a while. my mom had no idea where my bruises were coming from. i would hide them with a jacket or whatever i could find. i always thought i would use a turtle neck to cover a hickey but instead i was using it to cover the bruises he left from choking me because he got mad at something so small. it was a lot. especially for me. i didnt want to believe that he was going to keep abusing me. i wanted to see the best in him. 

i let it go on for three months..... i was finally over crying every night on face time with friends and even his friends were telling me to just let him go. i couldnt i was so in love but finally after talking to my guy best friend for a good 3 hours and telling him everything ive been hiding, he had told me i was too good to be treated the way i was being treated. he and i have been friends for YEARS and if i trust anyone more than family its him. he told me to leave him and talk to my mom and dad about it very seriously. and i did. because i love him and i trust him with everything.

i sat my mom down first and i went over everything. we both cried. she wanted me to understand that it wasnt okay for anyone to treat me that way and i shouldnt grow up thinking it was okay. she told me to never speak to him again and i was forced to file a report with the school. my mom is still worried about me. 'youre 15 almost 16 and you have already been in an abusive relationship, that is not okay' those were my moms words. it hurts to know that i let it go on for so long. 

she made me list all the things hes done to me. it was hard for both of us. hard for her because her daughter was abused and hard for me because i had to relive the moments. i told her about the time he choked me to the point where i almost passed out because i made a joke and he didnt like it. the joke was so stupid and it wasnt even that funny, he just didnt like it. i remember one time we were in the back corner of the class and he was talking to me about the work. he wanted the answers and when i told him no he yanked my hair and held it tight and punched me in my stomach. it was like that almost every single fucking day. i hated myself. i thought there was something wrong with me for the longest time. i thought it was me. 

after talking to my best friend and my mom they made me realize that i really am better and that i really should stop talking to him. so i did. i went through my stuff. i got all of his stuff. washed his jackets, all his shirts, i had made matching bracelets for us (mine said 'lover one' and his said 'lover two' ) so i put that in his jacket pocket, i put our promise rings in there, and i finally put all of our notes that we wrote each other in class in there with everything. i wrote him one final note that told him that i loved him but i wasnt going to tolerate the way he was treating me. it kills me because i asked him to stop and he never did. he said he would but never did. it hurts the most because not only did he say he would stop but he never once said he was sorry. that kills me the most.

an 'im sorry' never came out of his mouth. it hurts. but thats why i havent really been active on here. ive been going through a lot. i will continue the book soon but understand that i am not in the best mind set to be writing couply stuff after dealing with that type of relationship. i hope you guys understand. if you ever need me just ask me in private messages. im here for all of you guys. i love you all and i wish you the best until next update.

:)