Serendipity

The colors of love

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘥 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘦.
𝘐𝘵'𝘴 𝘤𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘳𝘴 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘮 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘵𝘰𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘴 𝘮𝘺 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘴.
𝘐𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘺𝘮𝘱𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘤 𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦.
𝘊𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘦 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦 𝘮𝘺 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥?

It was a day in March of 2017, Natalie and I were eating lunch. We gossiped, we laughed, and also nearly choked. She was discussing school life and how it mostly sucked. I was too, but I had a strange feeling that day. Not the type that you know, I knew it wasn't sickness either. Later on, I probably would've wanted to stay home.

Back to the setting at lunch, we were just eating and laughing until right across from us was another table where the rest of our friends were sitting. We decided since it was almost the weekend to go sit with them for the remainder of lunch. At the table were some guys and some girls. All of us were having such a great conversation about "this dude banged this girl" or other sexual stuff that I don't wanna get into. It was all in good fun and yes it was very funny. The one thing you should know about me is that I find everything funny. I don't care how cringey it is I just find it funny for some reason. Yes, I was uncomfortable internally but at the same time, I was having fun and I found a bit of joy in this prison. Out of nowhere this guy, his name was Jiro, comments about my personality and he joked around with it a bit. Of course, he wasn't actually serious and you could tell because he is more like the type that gets in trouble a lot of the time. Jiro was the type to do unpredictable things and it wasn't too uncommon when he did. I didn't take his comment as my defeat and I exposed him after I saw him around with another girl that was already taken. The entire table was talking about all day afterward saying, "Yo this girl just exposed you big time!! Wow, you're gonna be in so much trouble when I tell." Jiro only replies with, "Hey it was only a hangout ok? Can't you see I'm failing all my classes here?" We were jabbing each other for a bit until I, unfortunately, had to get to my biology class. Probably one of the most boring classes I have to take.

Although when I got there, I didn't feel the same. Just to let you know, with all the guys I've ever talked to before, none were like this. I know it was only a funny conversation but every other conversation I've had with guys are pretty boring to be honest. I was busy taking notes on mitosis but then started daydreaming about him for some random reason. It was really weird. I was honestly confused at my self. Why was I thinking about this rebel again? What's so?- *bell rings*. I headed out for the buses and there in the middle of it all, I saw him. Suddenly the world became full of colors. It came like a wave and washed over me. I just stopped, staring, probably when a ton of people was trying to get through while I was just a block in the way. My friend Natalie yelled at me "Kali what the fuck are you doing?!?!" I snapped back to reality and ran for my bus. Natalie said, "Girl, the fuck was you staring at? You could have been left behind." I just replied "Uh it was nothing ok? Just leave me alone"

When I got off my bus, I ran home, locked the door, and sat down. My heart pounded at the idea, the idea that I most feared, love. I started to talk to myself "Wait, no, this can't be happening! You like a guy that is doing terrible at school and probably has bad habits! The fuck is wrong with you?? FUCK!!!" Suddenly I looked around, I thought I was looking through some-sort Instagram filter, honestly, it could have my glasses deceiving me. The room looked brighter and the outside looked cheerful. Maybe it was spring and it could have been that, but then how come before it was black and white? I felt so disappointed in myself but also... happy? What is life right now? It was really confusing to understand why this is happening to me. Why me? Why now?

As night fell, the answer became more clear. I started writing a journal about how today went and once I started reading I gradually and surely understood why. I guess the reason was that I liked his company and I thought he was fun to talk to. Although I've known Jiro for only a year now, I guess it's just starting to settle in that we might be really good friends but I felt something different. Now I have really low confidence in myself like I HATE myself. So, of course, my natural assumption would be "He'S NeveR gOnNa LikE mE" and all that crazy shit. I looked into the future about how I would be on dates or even as a girlfriend but to me, I don't think I would fit that role. Heck, I don't even know how to flirt or even if I did, I probably suck at it. As I finished writing, I realized that it was all too true, I had a crush on Jiro and it was probably the best and worst thing that could ever happen to me. At that point, I wanted to end me.

When I was done, it was time for me to sleep. Except I couldn't, all I could think about is that damn kid. " Ughh!! What am I gonna do? It's too early for me to do anything because I've only liked him for like, I don't know EIGHT HOURS? Plus I'm too chicken for that. I've never done anything like this before. I don't even know what to do. You know what? I'm just gonna leave this alone. I have more important things to think about then letting this guy consume my life"

Although I did say that, what I've learned is that the more you hide your true feelings from someone, the worse it gets and the harder you fall for them. I, unfortunately, I became that victim.