Serendipity

Break my heart again

𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨.
𝘈 𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘺
𝘵𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵, 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘵𝘸𝘪𝘤𝘦.
𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘱𝘶𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘥𝘨𝘦.
𝘔𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘨𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘴 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘬𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯.

It was freshman year in high school and as you probably guessed, I hated it. The amount of work that piled up each class honestly made me want to drop out. My friends that were with me during 8th grade were here with me now and I couldn't be happier. Except the same couldn't be said for Bradley who was in my current English and Biology class. That's right, we never got the chance to catch up if you thought I talked to him over summer.

As you know last year Bradley and I never really had an actual conversation. I never got to know him better other than he was an introverted and interesting person. This year I really wanted to talk to him and know more about him. The only problem was that even I got nervous around him and I could stutter a lot if I do. Then, it would become obvious and you don't want to do that when he's pretty smart himself. It even got to the point where I started posting cryptic poetry on my Instagram stories because I became so lonely and I didn't know to express my feelings. Honestly, I did regret posting them because I was always nervous that he would see it and assumed that I liked him. I didn't want to tell him yet because I wanted to tell him in person, not by text. Until my phone dinged...get ready for some feels!! *cries inside*
This was about one of the Instagram stories I posted earlier.

Bradley: What's this about?
Kali: What?
Bradley: Boys are not for me, from a girl's point of view. If a girl says boys are not for me, what does that mean?
Kali: it doesn't mean that
Bradley: what?
Kali: look at what I was trying to say is that I like someone ok? Get it now?
Bradley: Who? Who? Who? Who? Like seriously who? Is it Daniel? Sam? Zach? Paul?
Kali: No none of the above

Bradley proceeds to name a few other people while I kept denying.

Bradley: I never expected you to like anyone to be honest
Kali: me too but I got to go now bye

*phew* that was SCARY and a close one
I thought I was going to die

For the next couple of days including in-class, Bradley kept bothering me with trying to find out who I liked even though the truth was right in front of me. It was kind of fun for a while because I was teasing him and that was always fun. Oh but the next one I wouldn't find so funny. One text conversation I had with him revealed that he did like someone after I made stupidest mistake of asking what race she was. That's when I knew it wasn't me (well duh bitch!!). That is when my heart broke again. I did do this to myself once again. I guess I didn't learn my lesson. Every text conversation I had with him I let my feelings get to me. Until one day I gave him a description of who I liked. I honestly still question what was my logic behind that. I was truly a dumbass.

Kali: He's really cute, He's really smart, really funny and his smile just makes me want to love him more. Also his weirdness too.
Bradley: Ok. Is it someone I know?
Kali: yes
Bradley: is it Bradley?
Kali: there are a ton of people with that name. Good luck guessing

I was exhausted at that point like I could scream it out to the world. What was the point? I already gave out the name. He would figure it out eventually. I just wanted to let them know but I didn't think what it would do to our friendship at the time. This is where I let myself down into the spiral of nothingness.

Kali: do you want the truth?
Bradley: yea
Kali: Yes I do like you.
Yes, I do think you are cute.
But I want you to be happy as well
So if you don't have feelings for me that's fine with me.
I don't want to lie and say you do like me when you really don't because then you won't be happy.
What if your crush does like you?
What if she does have feelings for you?
I think if she does you should go on with her.

The only reason why I'm telling you this now is that I don't want to talk about it at school where everyone can hear. So I just want this to be over with.

Bradley: I don't know what to say right now, to be honest. I can't say anything right now. Let me have some time to think about it.

Kali: ok I understand

As the hours past by, I could feel a sense of relief but a sense of worry as well. "What was I thinking?, I said "I could've just held it in a bit longer but no I decided to tell him straight up. It could've been a good thing but it also could've been a bad thing. Oh my god, I just ruined my entire life" I was just questioning my entire existence at this point. Whose logic was to give out information like that?

A ding went off on my phone. *screams*
It was Bradley
And this time I wasn't happy or excited
I was just scared.

Bradley: Kali, you're an amazing girl who I think deserves better and I'm flattered. But right now, for me, this isn't the time for me to be dating, I'm sorry to let you down like this, I hope you can find someone else other than me. But I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship between us. Thanks.

Kali: Oh no that's fine I'm not devastated. Thx

I later found out that that text wasn't from him. That would be in the far future but needless to say, I fell for it.

Over the next few months, although I didn't realize it at the time, I became more annoying because I felt bad for confessing in the first place. I thought I would try to make it up to him but instead, I made things worse. Yes, I was that desperate.

I became friends with one of Bradley's best friends Raymond. He treated me like a joke after he found out that I liked Bradley. He mostly never took anything I said seriously and always swept over issues that I tried to talk about with him. Yes, I did cause some issues with Bradley after asking him a question that he could've said no to but didn't. That question ruined our friendship on all sides but in my defense, he could've just said no. On the other side, however, I should've never asked the question at all. I still apologized but I guess he still assumed something that wasn't important anymore. Bradley became more distant towards me and started to hate me. He thought I was getting too annoying and too distracting to handle. Now I understand why but back then I didn't. It wasn't until he blocked me on Instagram that things got worse more than it was already.