The Queen

Chapter 10

The day Catherine returned home the king was out at the furthest part of the village and wouldn't be back until late. She took the day to rest from her travels and unpack her belongings. When night fell she took a warm bath and braided her hair in the way that shaped her face best and put on one of her beautiful French sewn nightgowns. While she waited for Hal to return she caught up on letters. Writing her father that her travels back were safe and catching up on the letters she had missed while she had been gone. Even one from Philippa:

"Dearest Catherine,

I am so glad to have met you and get to know you during our visit. I was so sorry you had to miss the last days of your party and I certainly hope your Father is doing better. Remember, I am always here if you need a friend. Please write back when you can.

Sincerely your sister,

Philippa

P.S. How could I forget! I heard what happened with that awful Governor Finick, it was all the talk amongst the ladies the next morning. I'm so sorry you had to go through that! My brother assures me that you are ok, that you were even more collected then he was! All the ladies talked about how brave you were and how disgusting that dreadful man is, (His poor wife!) Gladly things were smoothed over. I hope to hear from you soon!"

Catherine smiled at the thoughtful note and was drafting her response when she heard Cal go into his room next door. She waited patiently as she listened to him take his bath, and finally get ready for bed. She then grabbed the key he had given her on the day of their arrival in England and knocked on the door connecting their rooms.

With a hint of surprise in his voice, he responded, "Catherine? Please, come in."

She entered into his room which was humid and still smelled of soap. His hair was still wet and he was in his clothes for bed. He stood by the desk in his room where he usually worked and looked as if he were about to blow out the candle moments before if she hadn't knocked. She hadn't seen him in so many days and here he was in front of her again, she could feel her nerves dwindling.

He couldn't hide the surprise and happiness in his face upon seeing her, "Sorry, I was not here today when you arrived. There have been talks of revolt as families in the village run low on funds. I have been trying to show myself around the counties, make myself more available to the subjects as tensions rise." He stepped closer not sure if he should embrace her or not while he rambled on. He stopped short a few feet in front of her and really took her in for the first time since she entered his room. Why wasn't she speaking? "I expected you to be asleep, I hope I didn't wake you." He said hoping to get her to talk so he could hear her voice, which he had missed for so many days. She took a step closer, her hand behind her back, trying to shake the butterflies forming in her stomach from the way he had just scanned her body.

"No, I was waiting for you." She said looking into his eyes that were now dancing against the candlelight.

"For me?" Happy disbelief colored his face at her answer. Then he slowed down, "Yes. You must be wanting to tell me about your trip." That must be what she meant, he thought a little disappointed, but still happy to see her after so long, "How was your father, were you able to see your friends?"

Mention of her father from him caused her to stop, she wanted to tell him everything. About how her Father's mind had gotten worse, and what a deep sadness hollowed her now as she realized her last surviving family was already beginning to forget her. There was something about Hal's openness with his emotions and his always searching gaze that made her want to pour out everything to him. But she pushed the thoughts away, Bury your feelings, but do your duty. 

She stepped closer, almost seductively he thought, "Good. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow, I have... another reason for visiting you tonight." She was now close enough to him that he had to look down at her. This was new of her, he thought, to act this way around him. He held back what can only be described as excitement, as he waited for her to look up at him so he could search for answers in her eyes. While she may not always say what she felt (always what she thought but never what she felt), her eyes always gave her away. She then took his hand and made it so it was flat and outstretched between them. She then dropped an object into his hand and finally looked up at him, "To give this to you, so you can come and see me, whenever you like." She moved her hand away so he could see the key he had given her a few months ago. The key that would allow him entry into her room.

He looked down at her and put his free hand behind her head, holding her braid, his thumb on her cheek. "You want me to have this?" He spoke, silently pleading that she look at him, as she was still looking down at his outstretched hands. Her eyes finally met his and he didn't see what he had wanted or expected. Not a look of longing or trust, but rather almost one of sadness. Though she tried to hide it under a facade of seduction, he had seen it.

She spoke, "I think it's best, especially if you want an heir to the throne... don't you?" She smiled playfully and leaned up to go and kiss him.

While it felt that gravity itself was pulling him to her lips, he fought it and pulled a step away. "That's what you think....but what do you feel? Is that what you want?"

Was he rejecting her? All these months of her holding her ground and not submitting to him, she finally swallows her pride and he rejects her? She started to grow angry and hurt. "What I want? Feel? What do feelings matter at a time like this," she almost spat. "You need an heir and I need to cement the relationship of my people with England. We are married after all." He looked almost hurt by her words. How naive could he be? She thought. He had agreed to accept her hand as a way to end the war between their nations, did he really not think this was part of the plan?

He handed her the key back and took a couple more steps back, "Everything is strategic with you. I value your mind and intelligence, but don't you understand that some things need to be trusted to the heart rather than the mind?"

He WAS rejecting her! He wanted her to confess her feelings- just because he had! She grew more outraged, "Trusted to the heart? Don't forget I know of your reputation, your Majesty, did you care about 'feelings of the heart' with all the women you've been with before? And yet, here you stand before me asking me of my own feelings?"

He was stunned into silence. He blew out the candle at his table and started walking toward his bed, "You just don't get it. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I actually care about you. I'm not under the illusion that I am the man you would have chosen, and yet... I care for you. I don't want to be used by a person I care about, I've been used by too many people. Back in those days of which you refer- no one wanted anything from me. And all I wanted was a way to fill my own emptiness. But now? Now I feel like an actual person again. And I want, to feel. You may think me weak for wanting something so simple. But I've spent too much of my life not feeling anything." He said all of this with his back to her, but after a moment of hesitation, he finally turned around to face her from the other side of the room. With a tired face almost weak voice, "And right now.... what I feel... is exhausted. We've both had long days... I think it best we get some rest." This last part was said while getting into his bed and turning away from her.

She stood, frozen in her position for a few moments, a hurricane of emotions rushed in and out of her head. She gripped tightly onto the key in her hand, knuckles white, she finally turned on her heel, stomped out of the room, slammed the door behind her, and locked the door.

The next morning at breakfast she waited, per usual, for the king to join her. His servant came into the dining room and informed her that the king needed to rest longer and that she could start without him. As she ate in silence she pondered over the impossible situation she found herself in. She needed to provide an heir to the throne. She needed to keep her feelings for Hal guarded to protect herself and keep her loyalty with her people (she couldn't feel for a man who had her people killed could she? NO. She shouldn't, she wouldn't). Hal wouldn't be with her unless she spoke of her feelings for him. And, the last piece, she knows if she spoke of her feelings out loud to him, she wouldn't be able to keep that wall around her heart up anymore. Four seemingly immovable forces. Bury The feelings, but do your duty. Her mantra rang in her head. She would keep trying and see which force would give way first.