Bleed Into Your Mind

You Make It Seem So Easy

I got up early and spent the morning getting rid of a body and cleaning the basement. When I finally get done it's lunchtime, so I take a quick shower before fixing sandwiches for me and Lauren.

She's busy working in her office so I head upstairs with her plate.
Her office door is open so I walk on into the room.
"Hey, I made you a sandwich for lunch."
She looks up from her computer at the mention of food.
I walk over and sit the plate on her desk.
"Thanks princess."
"You're welcome. Do you need anything else?"
She nods and turns in her chair to face me.
"Yeah, I need a kiss."
With a smile I give her a kiss then head back down stairs to eat my own lunch.

As I'm eating my mind starts to wonder.
I'm not sure if there's a way to explain it so that someone, including Lauren could understand. But there are very few things in this world that mean something to me, and all of those things would seem ridiculous to almost everyone else. But these are the things that make me feel something.

Lauren is the main 'thing'. I never knew I could actually love another person or be loved in return.
She makes me feel things I never thought I could feel, she's the only person that can bring out the emotions that I thought didn't exist inside me. She makes me feel human.

Killing is another thing and it almost goes hand in hand with sex because they both get me off. It's also the only other time an actual person can make me feel something.
The first person I ever killed was my babysitter, my parents insisted that I still have one at sixteen.
Her name was Sarah, she had been my babysitter for a few years at that point, she wasn't much older than me only five years.

Death doesn't happen the same way movies or tv portray it. Slicing someone's throat isn't always an instant or fast kill and Sarah proved that for me. If I had dug the knife a little deeper she would have died faster but instead she bleed to death over the course of forty minutes. The moment I ran the knife across her neck was the moment I realized what being truly aroused felt like.
Before that moment yes I'd had sex—I'd been aroused and experienced a number of great orgasms, with the help of another person and through self pleasure. But hearing her try to scream, watching the blood dripping and the sound it made when it hit the floor... it's a sound I'll never be able to forget because it's the same exact sound a dripping faucet makes, when the water hits the sink.
Whenever I think of that moment or I hear a dripping faucet I have stop and compose myself.

Killing is an urge and a craving, but it's also something that makes me feel.
It's something that gets me off like sex but without the actual fucking... and I love it.

And sex is something I've loved since the first time I got myself off at twelve. I love all parts of sex, although I never truly understood or appreciated the softer more intimate sides until I met Lauren. It's something that makes me feel as well.
But Lauren is a combination all of the things that make me feel and so much more.

Also what's more fucked up, being self aware or blissfully ignorant..?
It not like it really matters though, both sides are equally fucked. And I'm fully aware of how fucked up I am, that what I do is 'wrong'. I spent my entire life being aware and feeling like I wasn't human because of it, like I didn't belong and I still feel that way.

Something is wrong with me and I know that. It's like I wasn't wired correctly when I was born.

But Lauren came into my life and accepted and loved every flawed fucked up part of me. All of the mazes and the madness in my mind, all of the demons and the darkness that plagues me.
She knows me and makes it seem so easy and effortless to love me. Though  I'm sure it's not as easy as she makes it look.

Lauren's-POV

I head downstairs to the kitchen, sitting my plate from lunch in the sink then follow the sound of the piano.

I quietly watch Camila play, it's been awhile since I've heard her singing or playing.

"Come here." She stops playing and pats the space beside her on the bench, walking on over I sit sideways to face her.
"Sing something for me?"
Her fingers move across the piano keys playing a song I don't recognize.

You really really know me
The future and the old me
All of the mazes and the madness in my mind
You really really love me
You know me and you love me
And it's the kinda thing I always hoped I'd find

As I listen I start to realize why I don't recognize the song.

Always thought I was hard to love till you made it seems so easy
Seem so easy
Always thought I was hard to love till you made it seem so easy
Seem so easy
Touch me till I find myself and I feel it
Tell me with your hands that you're never leaving

The song comes to an end and I feel like crying from how beautiful it was and how beautiful she sounded.
Hearing her sing never fails to amaze me especially when it's a song she wrote.
"How long have you been working on it?"
"Not long, did you like it?"
"No.. I-" Before I can actually say I loved it, I get distracted by her smile forming into a pout.
My heart melts at the adorable sight and I immediately kiss it away before reassuring her.
"I loved it, and I love you so much."
"Well you should love it since it's about you."
I wrap my arms around her and pull her against me.
"It was so beautiful and your voice is amazing. Still don't understand why you haven't pursued a music career."

"I already told you, it's just a hobby. It's also number four."
"Number four?"
"Mhm, on the list of things that make me feel. Food is the fifth and last thing."
The way she says it so causally, like it's normal to have a very short list of things that can make her feel, breaks my heart.
"What are the first three?"
"You're number one, you make me feel everything I never thought I could feel."
I hold her a little tighter and try not to cry.
"You can guess two and three is sex, specifically with you."
Two isn't hard to figure out and I appreciate the fact that she didn't say it out loud. I know and accept that part of her but I also don't particularly wanna hear or see it.