new perspective

iv. COWARD

chapter four,

coward.

┠━━━━━━━━━━┦

[unedited] 4.

sometimes my mother had manners, and others, she doesn't. it was usually when she was intoxicated that she would interrupt me and cause a ruckus. currently, i couldn't tell if she was just intoxicated or high off of love. maybe both.

she didn't care to knock as she slammed open darryl's room door, smiling hazily, "thank god." she slurred, walking in and tracing the walls with her slender finger, "we thought you two were doin' somethin' else in here."

i sighed, "why are you here?" and moved a little closer to darryl. i could see him getting uncomfortable and extremely embarrassed, thanks to his pure red cheeks.

"oh!" she exclaimed, laughing under her breath, "well john's gone to get more drinks.. so he left me to supervise you!"

"he's drinking?" darryl immediately asked. my mother nodded, "..why do you look so confused? he said he's been doing it for years."

darryl now looked mad. furious. he looked like he could absolutely destroy me if he had to. his eyebrow was twitching and his usual smile was turned into a scowl, and again, i did notice him move closer. maybe this would be our turning point.

"are you okay?" i whispered to him, and only him. he shook his head, whispering back, "he said he stopped drinking two years ago."

oh, goodness. i felt my palms begin to grow sweaty. i don't know how to comfort people at all, what should i do? do i hug him? do i tell him it was going to be okay? what if it wasn't going to be okay? what if a hand hold wasn't enough?

i couldn't choose any, so i just sat there. when he needed someone. he needed someone to show him their love toward him, telling him that it would take time, but whatever you're worrying about won't matter soon. it will all fall in place. 

but i'm a coward. a big, ugly, coward. so i said nothing. 

my mother didn't seem to notice how piercing the air was as she continued, "well, you two seem to be getting along pretty well, don't you think? first getting coffee and now.." she dragged the 'ow' sound as she motioned toward our closeness, making me scoot away. i didn't see his face when i did.

"that's good, that's good." she whispered under her breath, "zak we're going to be coming here more. john said every night would be good. you're coming too. i don't care that you don't like darryl or something, you're coming."

"i never said that." aloud. i never said it aloud. i thought it, yes, and i do still think of the option of just knowing him and not being his friend, but i never said anything like that aloud. actually saying it would mean that it was true. that it was a solidified opinion. and i wasn't ready for that seriousness yet.

"that's how you think of me?" darryl asked, a heartbroken undertone laying under his words. i shook my head, "no, darryl. i don't. she's - she's - look at her!" my mother was now stumbling across his room to look out darryl's window. it faced our house. "she doesn't know what she's saying."

and thankfully, my mother doesn't comment. darryl got off his bed and wrapped his arms around each other, breathing in and out. "i need a moment." he said, and to a certain extent, i think he's being a little childish. not to his father drinking, at all. he has every right to be mad at him. but he was the one who slammed the door on me, it wasn't like i was going to love a person who did that. 

he was trying, though. trying his best to make me like him. it was working, but only i knew that. i still can't figure out why he was still attempting to make us friends. it won't happen, because i wasn't worth it, and darryl was worth too much. that's just how it would go.

he walked out of his room, leaving me breathing in his scent.

 ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

when he didn't come back for two minutes, i sat up from my spot on his bed and went to go look for him. after all, i did come here for him.

i thought this was a party? had they been partying with just two people, the whole time? that seemed lame. but there was probably more to this than what i'm only seeing.

i walked down the stairs and searched his kitchen. his house looked modern and perfectly fit darryl's personality. sweet.

he wasn't anywhere, and i began to get worried. where could he have gone in this short time? he couldn't have gone far.

i then open the door, and see him sitting on his porch, head in his hands. i close the door behind me and sit beside him on the stairs, wrapping my arms around my legs.

silent sobs were coming from him. i heard them. they made me feel shallow. with every vibrate of his chest i could feel how badly i wanted to hug him. not just say, "tell me what's happening."

what if he didn't want to tell me what was happening? what if he completely ignored me? what if he told me to go home, and that i meant nothing to him?

"i - i - i" he tried to get out, "i just.." he breathed, but his tears wouldn't halt. he finally looked up and i took in him. his face was red from crying, and his eyes looked tired. the urge to hug him was cutting through me. he made my heart swell. "he was - w-" 

"breathe." i told him. it's all i could think of. just breathe.

he listened. he quieted down, breathed slowly, closed his eyes. it seemed to help.

"he was an alcoholic. when my mom left, he went crazy and spent all of my money that i had saved for college -- on drinks. all of it. i had maybe one hundred dollars left in that savings account." he started, and jesus christ, he's about to confide in me. "then one day.. he passed out and ended up in the emergency room. i remember it so vividly. him in that bed.."

a tear slid down his cheek. he rolled it away. "he swore to never drink again, and to work hard to get that money back. he made a promise. a big promise. he got all the help he needed, and i started to work three jobs. it was crazy."

he shrugged, "i guess she saw the worst in both of us and decided she had enough. she ran before the storm hit. good for her."

i now understand the problem. "so.. now that your mom said - for years? i need to go check my account, god. he never stopped. he pretended to stop. where did he go when he said he was going to- i'm so stupid, oh my god." darryl was crying, again. i shook my head, "you're not stupid. at all. don't think that. he is the one who should feel stupid." 

"thank you." darryl whispered through his sobs. "thank you." 

how long had he been holding this in for? is that why he instantly let it all out? did he need somebody to support him? 

i would support him. in secret. it wasn't what i wanted, but what he needed. need was different than a want. darryl was different than the world.

but he deserved happiness. and that was something i don't think i can provide.

»↠ ≈☆≈ ↞«