Tend Towards

[W] Final Resolution - January Free Write

Entry for the January Free-Write by Contests, herald_of_hell.

Evening fell slowly on the 31st, almost as if the decade was reluctant to end so soon. 

Many of us were of the same mind - we're not letting go, there are things left unsaid, and things left undone. 

I mentally recalled my Resolutions made a year ago, and delighted in the fact that I've managed to accomplish all of them except one. 

Perhaps I've over extended, but as I walk down the street of my childhood neighbourhood, I realise that even when I push myself and put my mind to it, I can achieve the impossible.

At first, it was difficult coping with the new schedule of a full-time job, then karate and then hockey in quick succession on Wednesdays and Fridays. Later, it became second nature.

Other ones were easier - I never really liked social media, and cutting off my toxic friends were easy - especially given my new schedule as an excuse.

But one item still remained: 

Spend my birthday with my father. 

The lights slowly flickered on as the early evening finally arrived, and I turned to the local cemetery. 

In the end, it was easier to cope with a new schedule and let go of life-long friends, but anger was a part of me. That was not easy to let go of. 

Hatred, and fear, and anguish were encoded in my bones, and to change that about myself would be to reconstruct me in a way that wasn't me. 

So I put it off for as long as I could. The final day of the year, and I'm celebrating the miracle of my own life with the death of the man who gave it to me. 

How utterly absurd.

Other ways to cope with anger and hatred - I've come to learn are euphemisms for regret and shame - were sport - karate, hockey. They didn't change who you were. 

But I suppose that forgiveness does. 

How incredibly, utterly, devastatingly preposterous.