Anthropophobia

⚘𝓸𝓱⚘

Chapter 8, Oh.
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You woke up to a discord call on your pc. You quickly trampled over your bed to get to your pc.
You saw who it was and immediately click accept.
"Hey Aussie fuck.." Eric groaned both of you had your cameras on and Eric looked like a mess.
You were no exception either because of your bed head. You went to rub your face and noticed you were still wearing Swags sweatshirt.
You slowly hugged yourself taking in the scent.
"Mornin' tinfoil man.. what fucking time is it Christ... Jesus's 3:30 am for me. Did you just get home?"
You heard him chuckle, "I took a quick 3-hour nap when I stepped inside, it's 8:30 am over here." He said yawning.
"Huehuehue..." You grabbed the bag of weed Swags left and danced with it in the camera to piss Eric off.
"Fucking Aussie cunt..." You smiled and grabbed some blunt paper and slowly wrapped the blunt.
"Your such a bitch..stealing my hoodie then smoking all my weed.." he stated.
"I'm gonna make brownies out of some." You smiled while struggling to light it. Once you did you laid back in your chair and wrapped the large sweatshirt around yourself puffing in and out.
"So what did you call me about Mr foil head?" You snickered.
"You told me to call you when I got home dumb dumb.." he sighed. "I'm in the mood to record a video care to join?"
"Fuck yeah!" You set the blunt in between your fingers and smoked in and out.
"Hmm let's play some 1v1 matches.." you suggested, obviously for CSGO.
"Alright I sent you an invite, let me start recording in 3...2...1..ok we are vibin." He stated
"Ooo let me do an intro for you!" You squealed. "Hey, tinfoil men welcome back to my gay ass channel today we're gonna be playing csgo with a stoned bitch! Now, remember to hit that like button and smash that subscribe button!" You said laughing.
Swagger nearly lost his shit and covered his mouth with his hand.
"I love it!" He stated.
The match started and everything was going amazing, you didn't even realize it was 9 am.
"Holy fuck swagger your channel has so many gay babies!!" You chuckled.
"I'm gonna stop recording and stream and introduce you to my chat." He stated as you both turned your cameras off.
You decided to do the same thing and the chats were wilding.
"Holy fuck guys calm down its just y/n.," Eric stated while both you and him went at it in CSGO.
"We should do another Q and A!!" You said happily as you blew one more puff outta the blunt before tossing it in the trash.
Your chat obviously freaked and so did swaggers with donations and more questions.
1.) How's life?
"It's been pretty good, we're finally moving into the new house and I just got back from Aussie Ville." Swagger stated sarcastically.
"Shut it you tinfoil man, but life's been pretty decent could be better but it's decent." You answered.
2.) What does the house look like/ what do you like about it?
"Well the house is very big, and we have about 4 rooms upstairs with 2-3 bathrooms? Can't remember but there is another one downstairs and we have a pool outside and it's a pretty decent house. I guess I like the upstairs living place..." swagger stated as you agreed with him.
3.) Where will everyone's rooms be! :)
"Swagger, me, Toby, Matt, and jay will all stay upstairs and Mason is gonna stay in the downstairs bedroom."  You answered, " Cameron and Ryan have their own houses so they won't be living with us."
4.) I thought you said there were only 4 bedrooms so who's sharing!? Ps love you❤️✨👋
You sighed realizing it's gonna come out sooner or later, "I and Swags are gonna share a room and each take different corners." You smiled as the chats immediately started asking more questions.
5.) Why did you decide to move in with the boys? And especially stay in a room with Swags?
You stared at the question for a minute before answering, ''I wanted to move in with the boys to experience new things, make more friends. Get stoned as fuck and not have people judge me.'' You smiled to yourself while looking at Swag's discord picture. ''...and secondly, I decided that id like to stay to share a room with swagger cause he doesn't invade my personal space and plus it would be simple to record videos together etc etc..." You said softly of corse the chat didn't take it as you both being good friends and took it as, 'oh yes we're dating so we're gonna share a room.'
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Eventually you and Eric were both high as fuck and had to stop streaming so you didn't violate anything.
After you both said bye to your chats you decided to chill and look at the time, 11:34 am. Shit..
"I hope you don't have anything planned today.." he sounded tired and his voice was getting deeper.
"Eh.. not much probably gonna sleep all day..smoke... fuck around." You sighed out laying back in your chair.
"You seem off after smoking weed you know y/n.." his voice sounded worried and you just shaked it off. "Your tone, actions.. I mean yeah people start acting different when their high but.."
"I just haven't smoked weed in a while and I'm getting used to it after all this shit..." you tried to not sound mad but on the inside you just really wanted to cry and let all your emotions out.
You missed him, you missed the way everything was before the incident, you missed going to parties, you missed living normally and not having to worry wether or not the men would come back for you.
"I just wish I could see the look on your face right now y/n.. your terrible at lying.." he tried to laugh it off but it turned more into a cough. "So what's really up.."
Please don't Eric..
"Nothing, I told you.."
Eric please stop.
"Please y/n tell me the truth."
You don't understand.
"You don't get it ok Eric?"
"I want to understand- no I need to understand so I can help you. I need to be able to help you heal. I hate seeing you upset.. so just..please.." his voice soften at the end.
It was quiet.
Uneasily silent.
"Just...I" You choked out in a stutter.
"I hate it. I hate it, Eric... I hate waking up and having the feeling of those guys touching me. I hate the fact that I can barely hug you and my brother without nearly spazzing out." You choked on your tears trying to hold them back.
"You know when I told you what happened to me I was almost for sure you were going to run and tell the guys and then dip. I was so sure you would have looked at me differently and in disgust. I hate the way you treat me so well because I just feel like your going to find someone better.. find some new person that's not all mentally and physically unstable as me." At this point you didn't care your tears and snot were basically covering swaggers hoodie you finally could let it all out.
"I hate you so fucking much you know that right!? I hate the fact you can treat me so perfectly fine even after all I've gone though. I hate myself for even going out that night and letting those men get me! I hate that I can't have friends because they'll have to find out I'm the dumb bitch who got herself raped-" you were cut off by swaggers tone.
"Don't fucking say that. Don't you DARE say that shit y/n. You can hate me all you want but don't ever fucking talk about yourself like that. Do you understand how much Cameron cares for you? And me? How much the boys care for you as well?"
You choked back.
"I don't understand why you still care about me. Why am I the one that has to go through all the painful shit and everyone else gets to have fun and live their lives?! Why am I the one where apparently the only time I can feel is when I'm smoking weed! Eric, explain to me why I'm the one for this shit?!" You nearly yelled. Anger, sadness, adrenaline and your tears were all pumping over you.
"Because your a strong person Y/n.." you could hear how hurt he was. His soft barely audible voice cracks made you flinch.
"You are being put though the most because you can handle it. You may not think right now that you can take it on but you can do this. Fuck all really happy people are fighting wars in their heads. How do you think we make people happy? We know what it's like so we try out best to help. I don't know what wars your fighting or what you are even thinking to yourself I know you do probably think that ending it right now would be the greatest option cause fuck I feel like that everyday. But it's people like you y/n, people like you that give other people a reason to stick around, a purpose to live on just so you won't upset them or let them down." His voice was patience and calm. He sounded terribly upset and like he was about to cry.
"I hate it Eric. I hate that no one can help me. I hate that when people try to help me they end up giving up and quitting on me. I hate the way you act like I'm perfect and I have no flaws. I hate the way you make me feel happy. I hate that you aren't here with me. I just want to be able to hug people again... have human contact. I miss it. I just.." You sobbed softly nearly a whisper. "I just hate it here..." you buried your face into your legs.
It was silent.
Nothing, not a word.
"I hate it here too..." he finally spoke up.
"That's why I have you and the boys to keep me going. That's why I try to keep you guys happy first and then my fans. I don't want anyone to lose their life because it's hard. I know it's hard and life will always and forever be hard. I don't know what it's like to go what you've been through but what I do know is I can at least put a smile on your face and others. That smiles gives me hope that they won't do any harm to themselves."
"Why me?" You croaked out. "Why should I give you a purpose when I can't even keep myself happy? Why can't you just leave me alone and find someone better?! I don't understand why you can't get it through your thick skull to just go and find some other girl without issues! Fuck... i don't understand why you keep choosing to help me and not leave me already. I fucking hate it..." you sobbed loudly shaking your head back and forth aggressively. Your hands were digging into the chair you were sitting in.
"Y/n.."
You tried to say what but nothing came out. You felt so weak and unable to do anything like that night and it fucked you up. You flinched when he said your name again.
"It's cause I want to be here in your life."
You shuttered at his words.
Eric please.
"Why..."
"Because you need someone to talk to y/n.. shit look at yourself right now. Is keeping everything bottled up going to help solve anything!? I want to help you heal, I wanna make fun of each other and live good and happy lives! I want to do dumb shit with you and the boys, y/n I want you in my life because I'm scared to! I don't know what the future is going to be like, fuck I don't even know if more bad shit is going to happen but I just know we will be able to get through hard times together."
You dug your hands into your messy hair.
Does he love me?
"I'm scared of loving you Eric. I'm scared to. I'm completely and utterly afraid of getting close to you, loving you and trusting you. I want to with every piece of my body but Im scared I'll go and fuck it up."
"Then we will get through this together."
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Finished: January 23rd, 8:22am
Next chapter: ⚘𝓬𝓱𝓪𝓷𝓰𝓮𝓼⚘
Words: 2140